No Turning Back

Coming Out

Heartbreak is quite similar to going through Hell. Or at least that's what it feels like in my case. First of all, I felt as if time was struggling to go by. The hours felt like days and the days felt like years. I didn't think they had time in Hell...or at least that's the idea that I've gotten from all the books I've read the discussed that subject. Second of all, I felt as if I was being tortured. My parents weren't really talking to me but that may be because they left two days after the photos came out. My dad was taking a business trip and my mother decided to accompany him. They took little Zac with them and left me in charge of Ashley. They didn't say much during that exchange. They didn't even tell me where they were going. It was merely a "Hey, we're leaving for a week or two. Take care of your sister." Then they walked out the door. I don't really think I minded though. I was going through enough emotional torture without them giving me any of their opinions or lectures.

The torture wasn't even about them though. Honestly, I was starting to care less about what they thought. I was turning my attention more towards my own feelings which were going crazy. Without Jayden around, I always felt empty or depressed or sad. Sometimes, I would wake up in the middle of the night and just stare up at the ceiling as I questioned how I could be so stupid as to let him go. I questioned why I didn't fight harder when I had him right there in my grasp. I questioned why I had to be such a little bitch. I wished I was stronger. I wished that I could just do one thing for my own sake and not for anyone else's. I wished that for once I could just be happy.

The day after the photo fiasco, I found my locker decorated with the words "Fag, homo, and queer" along with rainbow wrapping paper and other annoying stuff. It didn't bother me at first. I was still feeling to empty and upset about losing Jayden to really care. Besides, I could always take the stuff off of my locker. That wasn't really a problem. However, it was a different story, when some of the guys started to push me in the hallway and call me a faggot. I tried to ignore them at first until one of them told me that I probably carried HIV or AIDS. That's when I got a bit pissed off and started yelling back at the assholes. Melanie tried to shut me up plenty of times but I couldn't help it. They were starting to get on my nerves.

I dreaded going to eighth period that day but surprisingly Jayden wasn't there. I wondered what had happened to him until Ashley told me that he had punched some kid who tried to tease him. That would make a lot of sense. While I could try to tolerate the teasing, Jayden wasn't going to take it. I wasn't surprised when Ashley told me that he may have given the kid a black eye. That sounded like Jayden. He was aggressive sometimes. Whoever the teaser was should have known that. He should have expected that he was going to receive a nice left hook in response to whatever the hell he'd said. He probably deserved it.

The day after, another text was sent all around the school but this time it was about Bethany. Apparently, it was a big exposure thing about how she'd had sex with a bunch of guys and she was a prostitute or something like that. I knew Mia was behind the message but I hadn't thought that she'd strike out at Bethany like that. The other girl hadn't done anything to her. But then again, Mia had said that it was a silent war. Nothing too out there or crazy. Until recently anyway. The day that the message went out, Bethany and Mia had a huge fight in the cafeteria about it since apparently Bethany had been raped multiple times as a child. Mia had twisted up the words to make it seem like Bethany was some type of slut which a lot of the girls and boys now thought of her as. Bethany handled Mia though. She gave her a bloody nose, a black eye, and a busted lip. I was surprised Mia could even stand after Jayden pulled Bethany off of her. His best friend was going crazy but I understood her pain. Rape was a serious thing and to twist it up like that was terrible. My heart did feel for Bethany.

In eighth period, later that day, Jayden was in class but he didn't talk to me. We actually had a free period for once so I just caught up on some homework while he sat beside me and drew a picture in his notebook. I wanted to take a look but I didn't want to see the visible representation of how he was feeling inside. Especially if he felt the same way that I did. From his blank, emotionless expression, I could guess that he was concealing more than just whatever hurt was going on inside of him.