No Turning Back

Happiness at its Finest

It's kind of funny, ya know, the way you think you know something so well but it comes to turn out that you didn't know much about it at all. I used to think that I knew all about happiness – true, genuine happiness. I used to think that I was truly happy all the time. I thought I had found the one thing everyone tried so hard to find through my sports, my old girlfriends and my academic activities. I thought that I had been lucky to be so happy in doing things so simple. Yet, little did I know that the giddy feelings I used to get were nowhere near close to the true definition of true happiness. Those blissful emotions were nowhere near the amount of happiness that I felt now that Jayden was thrown into the mix of my life.

Before we had gotten together I will admit that I was happy with my life and my activities but I have to confess that I was nowhere near as happy as I had been since we'd started dating. Before, the basketball games I would play in didn't make me feel as excited or proud as I did when I look out at the bleachers now and see my boyfriend sitting there with his little sisters and his tiny smile on his face. My old girlfriends in the past never made me feel as warm and fuzzy and bashful when they were around like Jayden does – but he doesn't even have to be around to make me feel that way. I would get butterflies in my stomach just from the sight of a simple text from him. Even getting my perfect scores on test didn't make me feel as good as it does now when I get to tell Jayden and I get to see his emerald eyes shine with proud. Then, I would get rewarded with small dinner dates and movie nights with him all because of a good grade. Note that the dates would usually be often since I never fell off my game with studying and such.

Over the past couple of weeks, I could feel myself becoming a happier person. I could feel myself starting to feel comfortable as the mental suffocation faded away. I could feel myself falling in love...something of which I will admit that I am a bit shocked at. I'd never expected to have a relationship with Jayden or even being friends with him honestly. So, this whole new, stronger emotion that I felt growing for him felt a bit strange. I mean, I guess that's also because it was stronger than any other emotion I'd held for any of my girlfriends before. I will confess that I'd never really thought I'd been in love with anyone before so I didn't exactly know what falling in love or being in love felt like. So, when my emotions started to grow so strong and so rapidly, I was caught off guard. I knew that love was a strong, overpowering emotion that could be either a curse or a bless depending on the circumstances. I knew that love could hurt like hell if things were to end badly between two people. I knew that I would hurt more than just like hell if I let Jayden get too close to me. But, somehow, I didn't care about the hurt I was going to feel if we didn't work out. A part of me didn't even want to let that thought enter my mind. I was having so much fun with him and I wanted to enjoy the sensations he was giving me. I wanted to enjoy falling in love with him.

I wanted to keep getting lost in his emerald eyes. I wanted to keep getting butterflies from his tiny smile. I wanted to keep getting shivers down my spine whenever I heard his strongly accented voice. I wanted to keep being fascinated by the shape of his muscular body and his beautifully detailed tattoos. I wanted to keep molding him as perfect in my eyes. Jayden may think that he was far from perfect but to me he was exactly what I'd pictured it as. He was smart, kind, brave, funny, and very good looking. I could only wonder why he couldn't see that. I also couldn't help but wonder if he felt the same way about me.

I did remember when Jayden had kissed me for that second time and we had that small argument in the closet of his uncle's restaurant. I remember telling him that his feelings weren't that serious since he wasn't in love with me and I remember him replying that he was very close to being there though. Although that does feel like it was forever ago, it actually wasn't that long ago. A month or two maybe – not even that at my best bet. Anyway, I was kind of hoping that Jayden did reach that point that he was close to. Since he wasn't the most emotional guy I was expecting that I wouldn't really know how he felt for a while. I mean, even now he still has some of his ice wall up. He doesn't give off too much emotion nor does he like being vulnerable around me. I didn't feel hurt by it since I had to consider his background and the kind of person that he was. Just because we were dating didn't mean that he would be spilling his guts to me all the time. He wasn't the type of person to do that. Hell, he didn't even really like talking to me about his problems. He just hid his bruises from me and gave me fake smiles. While he may not be the guy who talked about everything going on in his life I could tell from his actions that he did really care about me and that's all that really mattered.