My American Love

Chapter 11: Love Wins

I woke up late afternoon. Uhaw at gutom. Pero wala akong gana mag luto. Dahil kulang ako sa tulog. Kaya naman naligo lang ako at nag maneho papunta sa In N out. I know. It's fast food. It's a burger. Unhealthy. But I don't freaking care it taste so good. I ordered fries and two burgers. Umupo ako sa harap ng bintana at nagsimulang kumain. I'm waiting for my friend, Anthony. We will go to Trade's Joe to buy our food with his boyfriend.

Ganun kami eh. Weekly namimili. He's Mexican so like us Filipino's they want fresh. Vegetables, fruits, meat. Name it.

I sip in my Lemonade and think what happened last night. I was so upset that I didn't bothered texting Nicole and others. I was bombarded with their messages when I woke up but I didn't reply. Maybe they already knew, maybe they don't. I don't want to spill anything because I don't want to start a drama. I'll just let it pass. It's not a big deal at all. I'm a girl who loves having guy friends because I feel I can always be myself around them. I'm a little vulgar, brutally honest and I love to talk about sex and relationships. Most guys find me to be the perfect candidate for a female friend because they often come to me for practical advice on relationship issues.

I was like that to Jesse when he was still in a relationship. I'm the one who tells him like it is: that this girl is playing games with you, or how to gain back control in a relationship when no-good thots try to grab them by the balls. I also tell them when they have someone great I would let her be my friend and should do everything possible to hold on to her. But I didn't knew Jesse thinks or feels like their was something between us when I kissed him when we played spin the bottle with our other friends. That's was normal. Singles like us do that, flirt, hook up, especially here in the US. I know that. Because I've been here for three years. And Jesse was my friend since I came here.  He knows. I know. That's was a kiss for nothing, or maybe for the dare but still it wasn't mean anything.

"Belle."

"Huh?"

Kanina pa pala nila ko tinatawagan, sa harap ko lang sila nag park pero hindi ko sila napansin dahil malayo ang tingin ko at malalim ang iniisip ko kaya naman bumaba na si Anthony para tawagin ako. Habang naghinintay sa labas si Juan, yung boyfriend niya.

Pag dating namin sa Trader's Joe ay nakasunod lang ako sa kanilang mag boyfriend. They look so happy and in love. Pag tinignan mo sila, hindi yung kasarian nila ang makikita mo, mas mauuna mong mapansin yung 'relasyon' nila. They are decent gays kaya naman hindi mo sila huhusgahan pag nakita mo. They are like friends, they are not touchy, they don't hold hands. They are private. But public knows about them. They don't secret their relationship. Private and secret is both different word and meaning. They are proud, they are free and they are happy. Love really wins.

Habang tulak tulak ko yung cart ko ay tinanong ako ni Anthony kung bakit ako tulala kanina. I told him what happened in Tahoe. He know Jesse dahil kaibigan ko na sila ni Nicole nung nag trabaho ako sa Fast food noon.

"When a guy friend wants more from you, he begins seeing you as a sex object rather than as just a companion. Yes, maybe he sees you as both, but that only makes it worse, because now that the sexual aspect is involved."

Nasa Produce Area kami ng Trader's Joe hindi ko alam kung nasaan si Juan pero sigurado kaming nasa paligid lang to. Iisa lang ang cart nila ni Anthony. Si Juan ang nagluluto sa kanila. Noon kasi puro pre-heat ang mga pagkain ni Anthony. Pero nung naging boyfriend niya si Juan ay inalaagan siya at pinagsisilbihan. And Anthony appreciates him so much. I

"It's his fault. He wants more." I pushed my cart.

"It's not his fault. It's biology. When straight men see a beautiful and well-put together woman, they often want her." I look at Anthony, "When a guy already know that he have a mental connection with that woman, in their eyes, it's even better. This woman now becomes a potential girlfriend or mate. She's someone you already have fun with outside of the bedroom, so why not try to add on that extra dimension and take it to the next level?"

Naiintindihan ko ang gustong sabihin ni Anthony. Ngayon kasi, the era of the guys and girls friendship is no more. I called it disgusting because I truly find it so as humans we should have the self-control and mental capacity to rise above these primal urges in order to salvage something more meaningful and long-lasting: a genuine friendship where two minds meet for intellectual conversations di ba?

"I really want Jesse to be my friend. Just my friend. Stay as my friend. But if he still push for more I need to let him go as a friend."

"He said it. He wants you. He wants more. Guys are basically programmed to see girls as potential mates, not as potential friends."

I know.

Sometimes.

"Then why are we friends?"

He rolled his eyes at me, "Because I'm gay not a guy."

"There shouldn't always have to be a sexual component. If I were to enter a romantic relationship with him, it wouldn't work. I know how he is in relationships since I've witnessed them with his girlfriends. I've seen him how he is when he's alone. Truthfully, I'm a go-getter, and if I saw something within him that I wanted, I would have gotten it by now."

"I understand where he's coming from. I remember reading some advice columnist always tells you to make your feelings known you never know what could happen! And yes, that may have been sound advice when we were all young and sexual tensions were running high, where one stray pimple could ruin your whole week and maybe your friendship. Back then everyone was shy and the only way we knew how to interact with people of the opposite sex was by pretending to be friends with them until they got the courage to let their  true feelings be known-"

I cut him off, "But in our lives as young adults, this advice is the worst. We've moved past the faux-friendship charade and into the world of dating. Even if you're in one of those really awkward what-is-this relationships. I definitely know that the pure-friendship is no longer here I see that as the point of no return. Our friendship is over."