What More Could I Need (Book #2) AOT Fanfiction

Depression

Saichi Yamazaki

I had to cancel one of my book signings because I was summoned back to work for an emergency. Based on the things Nanabe told me over the phone, a call came in from a male who's friend had fallen ill. The symptoms were fever, sweating and the person lost consciousness at one point. Nanabe assumed it was withdrawal and the person is being brought in. It confused as to why I was specifically called in when there are hundreds of others on staff that can handle it. Now I see why.

The male that made the call was Hange and the person he called for was Levi. Ever since he got his memories back, Levi has less of an emotional capability to handle everything he has seen. He began taking suppressants to a point that his body became dependent on them. When he developed a tolerance, he continued to increase the doses. When he was told by his doctor to quit, his body went through immediate withdrawal. 

I'm at the front desk of the emergency room with Erwin, Mike, and Hange. Nanabe is behind the computer, putting Levi in the system. He's never come to a hospital for his problem, barely his own doctor. He received the medicine from Hange because he assumed it was to help him stay active for work and No Name. "It's been going on for years now," Hange explains. "He regained his memory very early. He started having nightmares, developed anxiety but he never showed to anyone. He convinced almost everyone he was just fine. Even at band practice, he's a bit weird with certain songs."

"You guys went to high together, right?" Nanabe asks.

"Yeah, we were only a year apart," I reply. "It was hard to go through my third year without him around. It's even sadder looking back. I wish I remembered everything at that time. I could have held on to him, even when he confessed his feelings." I slip my hands into my lab coat pockets and sigh. "I hope he's alright."

"Where is he now?" Mike asks me.

"They wanted to put him in the psych unit but I said there was no need. He'll be on watch until he's discharged. Even then, he'll be checked in on daily."

"I want you to put No Name on hold," I tell Mike and Hange. "That means no practices and performances until I clear him myself."

A nurse comes up behind me and smiles. "Doctor, Mr. Ackerman has woken up."

"Great, thank you."

I follow her to his bed behind a curtain. She moves it to let me in and closes it behind me. I sit in the chair by his bedside. His face has regained some kind of color. His left hand in connected to an IV and the dark bags under his eyes are only a bit faded. He glances over at me. "There you are. I thought I was dead because of these damn bright lights."

"You know I wouldn't let that happen, Levi." I reach over and dim the lights. "Why didn't you tell me you were suffering so much? I know I just got my memories but I would like to know everything that goes on with my guards."

"Why didn't you tell me the same thing?"

Our past. I was in so much pain leading the day of my death. I've been dreading this conversation. Even though it was decided that I wasn't going to be executed, it was only five years later that I decided to take my own life. I have no doubt in my mind that Levi was the one that found me. I slip off my glasses and rub my temple. "You know it was never a habit of mine to open myself up to people, that was including you. It had nothing to do with trust. It was just a bad trait."

"You went through a lot of physical pain. Why did you let go? How could you leave Suri behind like that?"

"Levi, my body was already broken. I had trouble standing and I could barely walk. All I could do was open my mouth."

"Why didn't I know?"

"Well, Erwin, Hange, and Nile knew. I'm sure the Elite Squad and many others might have noticed."

"Why didn't you just tell me? I could have probably helped you."

"It was distasteful, it hurt. I wanted to vent so badly but I endured for as long as I did. I wanted to cry and scream but my stupid pride wouldn't allow me to. I didn't tell you because I already felt like you spoiled me enough. I was coddled by you daily and began to lose my own independence. I almost resented you for it."

He is caught a little off guard. "What? Why?"

"I don't blame you at all for any of my pain or my death. I let go because I knew if I told you about everything, I would have clung to you and never let you go. Because I did want to live, Levi. I wanted to live with you and Suri. I wanted us to be a family." I reach over and take his hand, giving it a firm squeeze. "I'm sorry, Levi. I left you with some many painful memories, half of them weren't even your own. I'm so sorry for leaving you behind like that."

While Levi spends the night in the hospital, I decide to finally go back to work a shift at the bar I left Furlan in charge of while I tended to other things in my life. I've been so busy that I haven't been able to actually come and work. I allow Furlan to take the night off and I'll deal with the Friday night rush.

I recently renovated the bar to make it seem like a more formal place for businessmen to come after a long day of work. The floor is a soft red carpet without a single stain. The table and chairs are a clean and refurbished mahogany while the booths along the wall have red leather without a single tear or hole. The bar is shiny and reflects perfectly in the light. Behind it are shelves neatly filled with bottles and glasses. The chandelier in the center of the ceiling doesn't seem to have a spec of dust or blown light.

For this job, I dress in slim black pants, a crisp white blouse, a black vest and a black bow tie while my hair is tied back in a ponytail. As the rush is coming in, I serve drinks at the bar and conversate with customers to make them feel comfortable. I have to call a few cabs for those I don't believe are sober enough to navigate and I deal with a couple obnoxious drunks. By the end of the night, I have a headache and a bar to clean up.