Against The Rules (Clexa)

Chapter 28

I tried something a little different in terms of writing, I'm not sure if you will notice or not but if you don't like it pls say, anyway sorry for the downer of a chapter

Lexa POV

*Trigger Warning: Self harm *

What the fuck is wrong with me, I have just had an amazing day and met a beautiful girl that I hope to soon be.........friends with, and my fucked-up brain won't shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut the fuck up. I begin to hit my temple with the palm of my hand, my bedroom walls begin to close in, I start to lose control of my breathing, I can't. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Fuck. I feel an urge and I'm too weak to resist, do I even want to resist? I walk to my desk and pull out a sharpener from my white desk draw, I then begin to slowly unscrew the blade from the sharpener casing, my hands are shaking so when the blade is free, it falls to the floor. My legs suddenly feel weak, I drop myself on to the floor beside the blade, I pick it up and pull up my sleeve. Wait, they'll see, they will notice, I then unbuckle my jeans and pull down my trousers, exposing my legs. I slowly move my hand along my upper thigh, feeling how smooth my skin it, I then take the blade and slowly drag it across the skin, I feel the pain, but it feels good, the cut is deep, I watch as the blood slowly moves down my thigh and onto the floor. The sight of blood is beautiful. I want to see and feel more, I drag the blade across my skin again. Again. Again. Again. Again. Fuck. The voices are quiet, I feel alive, I don't just exist, I'm bleeding, I feel, I'm alive, I'm in control. But like everything else in life, the feelings fade and I'm back with the shouting voice and the closing walls and feeling as if I am nothing. I grab a tissue and wipe away the blood, but I keep bleeding so I find my pyjama trousers and put them on in hopes that the fabric will stop it, as I pull up my trousers I feel the fabric drag itself against the fresh cuts I have made, it's painful, it's not the same as when I hurt myself, I don't want this pain. I don't get to control this pain. I want to have control.

As I make my way to my bed I look to my phone which is resting on the pillow, I pick it up and look to my hand, a smile creeps onto my face, I begin to enter the numbers into the phone. I then ready myself to send a texts

Hey, its café girl

No that's stupid, I erase the text

Yo, what's up guess who?

No that's creepy, I erase the text

Hi, its Lexa

Yeah that works, that will do, I look to the time. 2:00am. Shit never mind, I erase the text

I get into bed and place my phone on the table beside my bed. I rest my head on my pillow and wait. I'm tired, but I don't sleep, not for long anyway. I lay awake most nights, thoughts and voices never shutting up, but they keep my company, it's not good company but I find that silence can sometimes be scarier, lonelier.

Clarke POV

She's okay, thank god she's okay. But she's not there, like she's there physically but, she's not there. Something happened to her but I don't know what. She forgot me, she fucking forgot me. I can't stop thinking about how she has forgotten me, I know its for the best, is it? But to have someone you love to forget who you are it feels like a stab to the heart. Did I matter to her at all, obviously not enough for her to remember, but there are some elderly who forget their own children, that doesn't mean that the don't love them, right? Lexa still loves me, right? I guess you could say I have a second chance with her but, I don't want a second chance, our history made out relationship stronger and more meaningful, those nights under the stars where I learnt every detail about her, and noticed her habits, like when she clenches her jaw or glances to my lips when nervous.

As I walk home I keep checking my phone in case Lexa messaged me but no. nothing. I'm not sure if I should feel happy or sad, I have so many mixed feelings, for fuck sake Lexa why do you always have this effect on me. The thought of this makes me laugh little

"hey I know that laugh" I hear a familiar low voice say behind me, I turn to see who it is

"Bellemy, hey" shitshitshitshit