if i fell | lennstarr ✅

eight

finally, the dream's over. the beatles are not peresnt anymore. it's past. the worst thing i'm afraid of is ritchie. i don't want him to be past.

i'm going to new york with yoko. we're married but unfortunately that kiddo didn't survive. but... now i wish i couldn't marry her. i would be free as a bird or so... but i can't change it.

i want to forget to ritchie but i don't want to. it's so complicated. i mean it's do hard. it's hard to pretend how wonderful and happy husband i am when inside of me is just jealous man who loves another man.

one thing i know is i'm not in love with yoko.

in the box there was another, the last letter. ringo took it. when he saw the date he didn't breathe for a moment. it was a day before that tragedy.

7th of december, 1980

christ, i've found this old box of my memories but well, it's mostly about richard strakey.

i've been reading these letters for two hours, laughing and crying over how stupid i was but well, i'm still, i think. it doesn't matter if i'm forty or twenty. i still love him so much.

i must admit one thing. i'm pretty good actor. i've never loved yoko and i'm so sorry for that. all of those love songs which should be about her was about ritchie.

when sean born i wanted him to be called richard but yoko disagreed. i wanted a son with that name, i really wanted.

i don't know if she knew about my bisexual, queer, ringo addiction thing. christ, i'm not addicted, it's only love.

if it was just a crush it wouldn't lasts almost twenty years. i know it's something deeper. i know.

i think i'm gonna give him this box. but i don't know when. i'm still afraid but i really don't know how would i look again into his eyes after that. beautiful eyes, by the way.

---

well, i'm gonna continue this thing... i said i'm a bi to yoko an hour ago or so. she's left me and she took sean too.

i don't know if it's good or not but i wasn't sad. or maybe yes? who knows but now i'm holding a bottle of whiskey in my hand. i know what i said before but... i just need that. whiskey or ritchie.

i think i'll send him a letter or his lovely postcard if he want to come over or something.

i'm listening to his wonderful silk voice now. i have all of his lps. i think they're great. he's great, the greatest one.

well, if you read this ritchie you should know one thing. i still love you and i will till my death. and if i die i'll love you anyway. you are the starr which makes my night bright.

with all my love, your john.

"you won't die, john. not now, not tomorrow, you'll be there for many years." ringo smiled at that letter. he had realised something. he loved him too. he wished so bad he could say him that. "i hope you'll be there for me." he whispered.

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this chapter is for BeatlesForever1968.