Nuit étoilée de la connerie

Please...

I'm so tired, knowing sleep won't fix that.
I'm so bored, knowing my passions cannot help.
I'm so lonely, yet knowing my friends won't let me alone.
I just feel empty, I can't even tell you how it feels not having that in your heart, always. Oh, I can be happy, I can smile, I can laugh, truly. But I know, whatever I do, there will still be this thing I can't even express with words - ironically, I express others' feelings while not being able of describing mine. I'm just so sorry, for all those who love me. I know they do, I know they didn't leave, and I know they won't. But that's the problem : there's a voice in my head telling me I'm not worth it, telling me they will go away from me, because they should, because some promises don't last forever, this voice which doesn't believe like I do, this voice which talks when I let silence fall, with her words I hate but I still listen to.
I'm so tired, knowing sleep won't fix that.
I'm so bored, knowing my passions cannot help.
I'm so lonely, yet knowing my friends won't let me alone.
Nobody can understand that even if I love them with all my heart, when I'm alone in my room, at night, sometimes, our memories are not enough, because I feel lonely, and nobody can help again that voice. I'm just so sorry, for all those who love me. But sometimes, all happiness seems to fade and I feel so damn broken, so damn worthless, so damn invisible. I feel like a burden to others, and I wonder how they could ever love me : nobody loves depressed, sad girls. I can't even love myself sometimes... So how could they do it ? I'm so tired of falling apart sometimes, of being laughing and, a second later, crying when no one is there, when no one can listen and hug me to frighten away the ghosts of my past, of my fears, not my family who's so far away, nor my friends. Damn I love them, damn I miss them, damn I fear to lose them... They're my everything, and I think they don't even know truly how special and beautiful they are. To my eyes, they're perfect, and right now I'm a little, imperfect, scared, miserable, hopeless and helpless fourteen-year-old teenage girl, far from the smiling, serious or mad girl they know, that girl who talks a lot, listens, too, had hard times but mostly got over it, that girl who's cute, caring and compassionate, sarcastic, serious and sweet, their friend, their little star, their angel of literature, their phantom of violin and so much more... I hate feeling so weak, I'm always hiding my emotions, my tears, but I just wish I did not have to do it anymore, I just wish I wasn't so broken.
I'm so tired, knowing sleep won't fix that.
I'm so bored, knowing my passions cannot help.
I'm so lonely, yet knowing my friends won' t let me alone.
I hate crying, I hate feeling, I hate asking myself how other people can be so happy and remember I'm not. I hate it, I hate it so much. Sometimes, I even hate myself. It will get better, it always gets better... But I'm tired. I wish they were here with me, I wish they could hug me and promise me I'm going to be okay when I can't. Please... I can't do this anymore. Please, make it stop. It doesn't happen often, but if you knew how it hurts... Please, make it stop. Please, don't leave. Please, I need you so much. Please, be here.

Bon, c'est pas un texte super joyeux, mais je pense que certains d'entre vous comprendront ? Si vous le comprenez pas, si vous l'avez jamais ressenti, je suis contente pour vous et je vous envie, j'espère que ça continuera ainsi. Vous inquiétez pas, ça va toujours mieux après, c'est simplement que sur le coup, j'ai besoin d'écrire, de lâcher tout ça et sur le coup, oui, ça fait vraiment mal. Mais ça va mieux, et la plupart du temps, je suis vraiment heureuse. Le reste du temps... Well, pas trop. Mais je me répète, la dernière chose dont j'ai besoin, c'est que vous vous inquiétiez pour moi, je m'en voudrais. Allez, le prochain truc sera un tag, et ça sera du n'importe quoi. :')
Jusqu'à la prochaine fois...
Spoilers ~