Finding My Way

Chapter 12

"Mrs.Hayes you get to go home some time today! I know you must be excited about that!"

I continued to stare straight ahead. Oh, I get to go back to Malcolm's house? Whoopty-muthafuckin'-do!

"Oh yeah. Mhm. Sure."

"You don't seem happy about getting out of here. After a week of being in here, I thought you'd be ecstatic to leave. I know I would be. Well, ya know, if I was a patient I would be ready to go."

Well excuse me if I'm not hyped up about going to an abusive, dumb ass man's house.

"I'm in pain and plus y'all put a muthafuckin' scar on my damn arm. Maybe that's why I'm not fuckin' happy."

See, there I go flipping out on her again. I bet she'll be glad when they let my rude ass leave. She hasn't done a single rude thing to me. I don't have any right to act this way towards her.

"Ma'am I'm so sorry. Here you are just trying to cheer me up and I'm cursing at you. I know it's wrong. I am just... I'm so tired. So, so tired. And I'm just not where I want to be in life. All I have to do is lay here and watch tv while I'm in this hospital room. When I leave I have to face all of my issues though. That isn't easy. I hate my fucking life." I shook my head and put my head in my hands. I tried my best to hold in my tears, but my palms started getting wet.

I felt her sit beside me and put her hand on my back.

"Sweetie, this is what you need. You need to let some of that hurt ease off your chest. Your emotions are everywhere, you don't know how to feel or how to handle them. That's why you keep lashing out at people. It's all so understandable. From what I have heard from the other nurses, you've been an emotional wreak. Whenever I wasn't your assigned nurse, I would check up on you. They couldn't tell me much due to patient confidentiality reasons, but they'd tell me a little bit."

I moved one of my hands to look at her with my blurry eyes. "Why would you do that? Why would anyone care enough to be worried about someone who's been nothing but a rude, nasty bitch to them?" I wiped my tears so I could try to see her better.

"I don't know you're whole situation, but let me tell you how mine was. I was a careless teen. Well, I wouldn't say careless, but I just didn't make the best decisions. The worst decision I ever made was getting with a guy just because he had clearly money. I liked how he looked, I liked his designer clothes and shoes. I liked his luxury car. I had no clue what his fucked up personality was like though. That man thought money made him more powerful than God. I was the puppet and he was the puppet master. I couldn't remember falling asleep most nights because he'd choke me to sleep. He would punch me, kick me, spit on me. He would sleep with other women in our home. Foolishly, I even aborted my first child because of him. Even if I didn't, he would've caused me to have a miscarriage. He did all of those evil things to me because I let him do those things to me. I may have been afraid of him, but I could have done something to free myself from him. One day I snapped out of it and I realized I didn't have to put up with his shit. I knew I had to do something about my situation. When I tried to leave him, things got hectic. I was in a coma for almost two years."

I sat there, just staring at her. It's crazy, I can relate to a good bit of what she just told me. I wouldn't get with a person just because they have designer shit though.

"I- That's awful. I don't really know what to say."

"I told you my story just to tell you that I survived my past. Things were crazy, but I survived. I now have a husband, three beautiful children, and the job that I've always wanted to do. Some women don't get to say that because they stayed with their abusive men and they ended up being murdered by him. They waited too late before they chose to do something about their situation. Now their families and friends have to mourn them because they stayed in that horrid situation. Even when you feel like nobody in the world loves you, just know that it's always at least one person who does."

She pulled a sticky note out her pocket and gave it to me. "It's almost time for me to get out of here, so I know I won't be here when you get ready to leave. I wanted to give you my number just in case you ever need me or want to talk."

I gave her a hug and started crying even more. It's crazy how a random lady can sit here and be more nice to me than my own damn mother.

She's right though. I love Qua, Tiffany, Grammy, and Raheem. I would hate for them to have to cry over me because Malcolm ended my life.

I don't want Malcolm to end my life. I don't want to wait until the second before he's about to blow my brains out to realize that I should have left him.

I'm afraid to go to the police, I'm afraid to do anything, but I'm gonna have to face my fears someday. I don't know how or when, but it needs to be sooner than later. I have to get away from Malcolm.