Finding My Way

Chapter 18

(A/N: I just realized I messed up on her dad's name. At first in like chapter 5 it was like Cedrick or something, but it'll be Raymond. Sorry for those that caught on to that, and if you didn't, disregard this. Lol.)

Who am I?
I don't know
Used to keep all my emotions bottled up, but now they outright show
How could she do that shit?
How could she be that slick?
Sayin', "I love you boo," then later you on another man's dick?
Nah, that shit ain't right, you just a selfish bitch
Fuckin' with no remorse
Don't give a fuck about nobody else, you made ya own choice
But I'm the one hurt, shouldn't even be on this fuckin' Earth
My whole life ain't nothin' but a lie
Wish I didn't know why
Wish my hurt wouldn't steadily multiply
Some days I wish I'd die
Who'd care?
Some days I feel like pulling out my hair
Who'd care?
Some days I want to scream and shout, but I'd still be hurting, no doubt
Hurting deeply in my heart since you neglected to tell me the truth from the start
Because of your actions I am the one that has to suffer
You wanna know what, I hate you muthafucker

"Would you like something to eat Adrianna?"

As I sat out on the patio, Raheem came outside. He has been nothing but good to me the past two days, and I feel bad for the way I've been treating him. This man let me come into his home no questions asked. This man is planning on letting me live with him, no questions asked. He'd do any and everything he could possibly do for me. I just don't really know how to control my emotions. I feel so hurt and confused. Well, I'm not really all that confused, but I don't want to know what I know to be true.

I continued to stare at the ground with my blurry eyes.

He came over and sat beside me. He pulled me into his lap. I tried to get off of him but he put his arms around my waist.

"Raheem, put me down. I'm probably really heavy."

"Starving yourself won't solve anything baby girl. You aren't hurting the ones you're mad at, you just hurtin' your own body. You don't have to do that Adrianna." He completely ignored my previous statement.

"I may as well starve my damn self. I'm not wanted or needed anywhere." More tears spewed out on my cheeks. I don't have an appetite anyway, I haven't had one in days.

"Well I wouldn't say that. I want you here. I hate seeing you like this Adrianna. You keep filling your head with a bunch of nonsense. This thing you're going through, it's called an identity crisis."

I put one of my hands on my face. "I'm not even suppose to be sittin' here with you right now Raheem. I'm not suppose to be alive right now. Had my mom been faithful to my dad I wouldn't even be alive. I sh-" I put my hand over my mouth. "I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be alive. I'm no Mangham. I am just a little dumb bastard child. I am a mistake. I'm probably just a broken condom or a skipped birth control pill."

He made me lay my head on his shoulder as he rubbed my back and held me like a baby. That's what I've been crying like, a newborn.

"Adrianna, you said you wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but hearing you speak so lowly of yourself hurts. I do not want to hear you ever talk about yourself like that anymore. That shit is unacceptable. You are so much more than the harsh things you want to label yourself as. Stop doing that. I want you to get all of those things out of your mind."

"How can I stop when those things are true? Raymond is not my father. I am not a Mangham. I am not suppose to be here!"

"I can call him Raymond, you really shouldn't. You wanna know why? That's still the man you've loved for nineteen years. He doesn't have to be your biological father, he is your father regardless. You keep bringing up your last name. It doesn't matter if you are a Mangham or a Ridgeway, you are Raymond's daughter. And you keep saying you aren't suppose to be here. When you think about it, most children are conceived through unprotected, unplanned sex."

He deeply exhaled.

"There's something that... I never really talked about with anyone but my family. It isn't necessarily a secret, it's just something that I think is pointless to talk about. I am adopted."

I lifted my head off his shoulder to look at him with a shocked look on my face. "Wh- huh? You're... adopted?! How is that pointless to talk about?"

"Adrianna, I was not born with Ridgeway as my last name. It was Milner. I went the first eighteen years of my life not knowing that I was adopted. One of my older sisters just randomly asked them if she was adopted. That's when they told us that me, her, and my brother was adopted. Had she not asked, we'd never know. My mom is Hispanic and my dad is black. I didn't really think much of that, though, because I just thought I looked more like my dad. I was upset about it, because I felt like they left out an important aspect of my life. I was unsure of myself too. I felt out of place. I went through the phase you're going through, but one day, I just snapped out of it. They did what my biological parents didn't want to or couldn't do.They chose to give me up instead of keeping a kid they didn't want. My life could've ended up completely different had they chose to keep me."

I just stared at him, unsure of what to say. What would be an appropriate thing to say to something like that? I thought I've been through a lot, but clearly he has! I met his dad before and I could've sworn I seen similarities in the two. I would have never known that he was adopted. Dang. I want to ask him something, but I know I shouldn't.

"I told you my story just to tell you that you are not alone. You have to go through this and you have to deal with your pain the best way you know how. I have always called my parents mom and dad, even after I found out they aren't my biological parents. They are my parents because they are the ones who have been here to take care of me and to support me throughout my life.  Blood couldn't make our bond any stronger. Raymond is your father, okay? Don't try and block him out of your life, because you know you still have a lot of love for him. That's why you're so disappointed right now. That man still loves you though Adrianna. If he didn't want anything to do with you anymore, he would not have reached out to you like he did."

"Uhm." I rubbed my face. "I'm so sorry Raheem. I know I been actin' like a total bitch. You have your own things to deal with. I just... I wish things could be better in my life. I am so sick of getting hurt by the people I thought loved me the most. I feel like you, Tiff, and Qua are the only ones that haven't hurt me."

Raheem kissed my head then he chuckled.

"No Dri, you haven't been acting like a bitch, you're just hurt. I can understand that." He laid his head against mine. "Just know that you'll always have me."

I really hope that's true.

"I love you Raheem. And I really mean it."

"I love you too Adrianna."