Heartbound

Heart 10: Hate

"Love is simply equal to death itself..."

AVERY

Dalawang araw na ang nakalipas sa aming paglalakbay. It's already nightfall. We have to take shelter. Bukas, mararating na namin ang kabundukan. Tiyak na mas mahihirapan akong gumalaw lalo na't wala akong nakikita. The trees will be all over me. I'm glad the stick is a bit helpful for checking and clearing my path.

They're preparing our tents and foods. I frowned because I can't even help them. Mas pinili ko na lang munang lumayo sa kanila at tumayo sa 'di kalayuan sa tulong ni Ayen. Iniwan din niya ako nang masiguradong kumportable na ako. I felt worthless but I don't want to let myself think that I will just get in the way. I will not let this negative thoughts eat me up.

Hinayaan ko na lang dumampi ang mabining hangin sa aking katawan. The cool breeze calmed me a bit. Hinawakan ko nang mahigpit ang kahoy na hawak ko. I traced it from its tip and every edges. It has the shape of a sword. The only difference is that it doesn't have a hilt and it has a dull edge.

Dinadala ng hangin ang mahaba kong buhok. I wonder how I look like now. I couldn't even check myself in the mirror. I don't even have any proper baths. Ayen is assisting me though. Well, it's not the time to worry about appearance. I have to worry about my sight. Wala pa ring pagbabago. Wala akong nararamdamang pagbabago.

Gumapang ang takot sa aking kalamnan. Paano na ako kung hindi na talaga bumalik ang paningin ko? Mariin kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko. Hindi ko maiwasan ang mga ganitong negatibong pag-iisip lalo na't puro kadiliman lang ang nakikita ko.

Napapagod na bumuntong-hininga ako. Hindi ako maaaring sumuko at mawalan ng pag-asa.

My neck is too stiff. I moved it to my left and right. I moved it in a circular motion, clockwise and counter-clockwise. I could hear the cracking of my bones. I closed my eyes and held my sword stick with two hands. I rested it in front of me as I focused on my surroundings.

I focused on the sound of the wind and the sand as they danced around me. I started my sword dance. I moved and slashed the wind and the sand. I imagined them as if they are trying to attack me and slip through my defenses. I slashed both of them without reservation and mercy. Slowly, their shadows started to materialize in front of me. I've been slashing and swinging my sword with accuracy and grace.

I already get used of the sound and somehow, my surroundings.

I lost track of time. I suddenly felt that I was lost in my own world. I pretended that this whole world is mine. Saka ko lang napansin ang mabigat kong paghinga nang maramdaman ang tumatagaktak kong pawis sa noo. And I could feel someone approaching my territory. He's walking towards my world.

And the scent is too familiar. Sinubukan kong magpanggap na hindi siya napapansin. I continued my sword dance. I continued the fight against the wind and the sand. Pinakikiramdaman ko siya. Naririnig ko ang tibok ng puso niya. Sa simula kalmado lang ito pero sa hindi ko mawaring dahilan ay unti-unti itong bumilis.

I could guess that he stopped walking. He stood still and froze. I could feel his gaze upon me. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang iniisip niya pero naririnig ko ang paghinga niya at ang pagtibok ng puso niya. Alam kong wala siyang balak na masama dahil sa naririnig ko mula sa kanya. His body betrayed him too much.