Memoirs of A Shinja: When My Future Unloved My Past

A Quarter of Holy Blood

It's already three months since I left the job that I love the most after five years with full of hardships and sacrifices due to paranoia of my former human boss's wife. Nevertheless, I learned legal administrations skills a lot esp. when it comes to government and judiciary transactions because I overused my brain a lot that makes my hair thinner than Christopher's yet, it was totally worthy.

Why do I say so?

My temporary seclusion family got benefited from it. My human mom and baby brother were able to visit my sister in United Kingdom thanks to my damn-effort UK visa assistance. My human dad got his social pension in three weeks which is faster than normal pensioners do. My human sister and cousin got married because of its marriage requirements.

There are the reasons that despite of its low salary, why did I never intend to leave but sadly, I have to do so for the sake of its peace on the part of my former boss's family so, by the end of this year, I finally left the job.

It's D.C. 19 and I started working in a large real estate company that sells condominiums especially one of its projects were started building near my hometown. It was an accidental job for me because by that time, I was suffering from separation anxiety especially when I registered myself as professional taxpayer at BIR RDO No. 25 in Sta. Maria, Bulacan that requires legal paperworks. The moment I realized that my body and soul says I missed the way I worked before. I am identified by most humans esp. Marvin as dedicated legal secretary other than property specialist or real estate agent due to my work background. Everytime I distribute flyers, I always told myself that it was not me who is too dedicating to work a lot as in workaholic.

What is more heartbreaking for me that upon learning from my successor, Maime, that my former boss says anything about me to her in a backstabbing way without any further appreciation from him... aside from various personalities of my fellow colleagues who are mostly younger than me and I don't feel anything from them.

Because of what my former boss's did aside from her wife and her stupid friends, my trust issues towards people become to questionable... despite of my hardwork as property specialist, I wasn't happy and definitely struggled by this horrible thing even I was supported from a group led by Mernino who wanted me to be his sibling and friend. In the end, I decided to enter a government job so, I could use my legal administration skills that I felt I was going into rust but sadly, when I complied its application process, I felt horrible and discouraged after I found out that it was a formality because they already hired a new employee before doing so.

Due to my being talkative about my former job, Mernino made a volunteer on helping me in order to move on because of his claim being a friend and brother which I find it too deceiving. On February 8th, he kept calling me to come in the office not only to borrow money but to talk with me while I was then in government office in order to secure my business permit for the motor parts business. However, due to my tiredness, I felt a lot of anger towards him as in my heart went outraged everytime he kept talking and making advice because he kept meddling on my life. He had no right to do so because he have no knowledge about my life and my background. I warned him that doing so would lead me into obsession towards him which almost happened.

The moment I realized that my feelings on him began to grow. I felt hurt when I hurt his feelings and reject his advices even I was angry on him. On February 11th, I took a call on him for 45 minutes stating that I am considering his words by following his advices. I decided not to collect his borrowed money on the 15th because I felt so concerned on him... in short, another Déjà vu in the making. I was thinking that I could able to move on as well as to survive in my current job by depending on him. The only struggle that I could felt is when the time I met Christopher about 19 years ago due to teasing nature which is happened on the 15th when one of our fellow colleague advised me in an abrasive way by saying stop bugging of him.

Because of her, my feeling towards Mernino went into outrage like a fire in Jigoku. For the nth time, trust issues keep arising and I felt I was backstabbed by him as I accused him that he told someone else anything negative about me towards him. As result, I took a lot of ranting post on Facebook in order to know how I felt and when he found out, we hurt each other's feelings esp. he compared me with those people in prison... worse when he asked me if I could trust him despite he is a true person and I replied him a big nope. Few days later, I apologized to him and asked him if we could be siblings and friends. He replied that we can be still friends but not as siblings and as result, for two days, I took a beer and capsules of melatonin food supplements in order to sleep from depression.

Due to its emotional stress I got from him, on February 22nd, I was nearly got a mild heart attack as I was diagnosed thru ECG as Sinus Tachycardia. He noticed me that I looked pale and nearly fainting. He wanted me to go home and said if I want to die, I have to drink a bottle or muriatic acid then he could come to my funeral. I replied that did I ever want you to come to my funeral. He replied that I am the only one who thinks too negative. He initiated his shake hands but I did without holding his hand. Sometimes, everytime we took an argument, my heart got easily palpitated due to my outrage. Worse, he told me to remove my feelings to him anymore.

The moment I realized that I'm not deserving to get help from him and I'm not even more deserving to be his sibling and friend due to his mysterious kindness which is unsure to be trusted or not. Upon learning about his life background, I'd rather say to fix his own life backyard than meddling my own life. While for me, when I took a three-day on-call duties to my former boss, I found out that there a lot of pending works to be done and I am the only one who able to do so. I realized that I am totally happy with this kind of job which is more compatible and dedicating... this reminds me of Marvin!

Then on March 5th, his daughter, Ysa, met me at Starbucks to have a snack then we went to a showroom in order to see the unit. I felt delighted with that kinda reunion along with two provincial prosecutors in my province.

From March 11 to 13, I made a three-day birthday party for two groups and Christopher's group. On March 11th, Mernino greeted me a happy birthday and we, along with his group, took some pictures. What makes me shocked that he consumed most of foods I brought and still happened on the following day. Later on, I made a call on Marvin and I missed him a lot because he is really brother to me for being supportive during my Civil Service Exam days as well as during former job days. He is the one who appreciates my work with full of dedication. He greeted me a happy birthday and we talked about his annulment case which we worried a lot so I assured him that I will keep following until the end. We felt a lot of ease!

There are some nasty parts during my birthday!

When I learned from my former boss that her wife questioned my presence during the grand launch of a new condominium project which makes me outraged again that I wanna see and confront her. This would make Mernino realized that his help is no longer important. His silent manner makes me feel even more heartbreaking so, I fully decided to end my contract this month because I heard from him that it is depend on myself whether to stay or not.

Then few minutes before the end of my birthday, I got a prank call from my groupmate, Kim, who introduced herself as a potential customer who is willing to meet up at showroom. I made a lot of sales talk but in the end, she was just asking for a mobile load and she keeps laughing. The following day, I felt ill and shaken by that incident. Mernino may be felt offended when he saw me hanging out with a Sun Cellular friend, Rica. Right now, I don't care with anyone else anymore.

In conclusion, working with a large real estate company may be blessing but I find it such a nightmare that I cannot be able to adjust anymore as I would never have any professional growth from them. I would never have any maturity from them especially I felt they are acting like in high school. They are acting mature to make me look immature. Once my contract have finally ended, I wanna start all over again by working something that I love the most... which is my passion... legal paperworks.

For Mernino, I deeply apologize for giving him a lot of harm and pain due to my struggles in life that even him cannot be to able helping to cope it. I wish I could never meet him anymore even in afterlife. I regret meeting him in a wrong time. So, best wishes on his advocacy for his own hometown as public servant!

Well for me, life goes on...