My not so ordinary life

Saint Minty

My arms get in the way as I am pushed through a dark foreboding hole in the ground. They trail behind me, dragging in the mud. I feel the slimy walls getting closer and closer, stalactites and stalagmites surround me, cackling as they rip through my clothes and stab my bare flesh. Ice cold water trickles down my neck, washing out the beautiful green colour in my hair and leaving it a disturbing bubblegum pink. The three women follow behind me, reassuring me that this is what the great god Jacob Sartorius would want. Finally, I reach the bottom and plunge into a piping hot lake of gravy.

"Welcome to Iceland" the woman with polka dot skin cries. Gracious! I've made it! The headquarters of the most famous religion in the World! Statues and paintings of Lord Sartorius are everywhere and groups of people are huddled in various corners worshipping Jacob shrines. A boy, around 484 years old runs up to me. "Hola fellow rjser!" he yells "look at me! Look at this piece of spit I gathered from Jacobs mouth and preserved" I gasped. It was so beautiful!

For the next few months I roam the caves, wondering at all the delights. Rolf Jacob Sartorius ers spend hours singing and praising the great lord. I learn all about the movement, all about love, acceptance and joy, all about the wonders of life. I have many vital life lessons, including how to sing 'Sweatshirt' in 37382.383 languages.

One day, a tall man approaches me. "Hey Jacobina666" he smirks (I changed my name to please the God) "How would you like a chance to see the leader of our religion, the king of kings in concert?"

I faint with astonishment.

43 days later I awaken and find myself in a dark space, being jolted up and down.

"JACOBBBBB" I scream "WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"

"Ssh puppybear" a high pitched squawky voice simpers. "We're going to see our baby! We're in a lorry in the way to Afghanistan!" It's really happening! I've been dreaming of this day for years, centuries! (Ok, I lowkey only heard of him a few months ago but don't tell anyone).

After an age, the lorry comes to a halt. It opens and hundreds of humans tumble out. Oh. I didn't realise I wasn't alone. Together, we march through the streets and line up. The queue stretches for ten miles, every single person in it chanting our Gods name. Finally I walk into the concert room and begin to dance. 'Baby' by Justin Beaver begins to play and everyone is up on their feet jiving along.

After about three hours and millions of songs (and some sort of frog who called himself DJ Froggy) the lights dim and a drumroll begins. Everyone loses it and begins to cry hysterically. "Oh my gibbety gosh!" a 3 year old next to me murmurs. "I've been waiting for this moment since 63 AD!" I laugh in return. "I didn't even know who he was until like yesterday!" The seemingly so innocent girl looks at me, her face contorts and she lets out a snarl.

"You.. you traitor!!" she screams and everyone around us joins in.. "traitor traitor traitor traitor TRAITOR!" they yell. They close in on me, surrounding me like I'm their prey and their sharp claws scratching my face and ripping through my clothes. I protest. "Just because I wasn't here since the beginning it doesn't mean I'm not a true fan!" I cry. "Hahah you wish you swine" the ringleader cackles. "You deserve to die a long and painful death!" She brings out a glow stick and starts to hit me with it. Her minions shout out in delight and chant "die fake fan die!!!"

Suddenly I see my escape. I jump up, fly through the ceiling and land on top of the roof. Below, the monkey slaves pull open the yellow velvet curtains and a kid appears. His hair is a luscious brown, his eyelashes long and luxurious and his nose nice and pointed. Millions of people begin to scream and the noise starts a fire. It rips through the crowd but nobody seems to care they are being burnt alive. They're so focused on the 12 year old on stage. Who even is that child? Why are they so excited to see him? I don't even remember why I'm here. Huh oh well. I slide down the building and land on a bouncy castle.

"Seize her!" a voice cries and duct tape is slapped over my mouth. "You're coming with me!" a gruff voice announces and my world goes black.