My not so ordinary life

Rudolph the Reindeer is a freak

The reindeer named Rudolph approaches me, a threatening glint in his eye and his annoyingly vibrant nose as red as the blood I cry every night

"u wanna fight' he quacks

I turn round looking for backup from my kangaroos but all I see is them hopping away as fast as the ants who gave birth to them! What traitors!

All of a sudden I feel myself being engulfed by a putrid aroma. Everything around me goes from black to like really really black. I feel as if my two feet are not on the ground anymore but instead are sliding around on a gravy coloured trampoline.. I try licking up the gravy but find it certainly isn't the juicy goodness i thought it was... instead it tasted almost like... like Santa Claus..

I shrieked! This could only mean one thing! It must mean .. that I.. was in the mouth of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer... he is the only one that would taste of Santa Claus as everyone knows the two are having an affair.

I decide the only thing to do is bite down on the beastly tongue but as soon my bright white fiends come into contact with the mouth-slug a surge of saliva is thrown in my face and I'm pushed down down down a long slide and find myself in a huge pit.

He swallowed me that hellion!

I hear very santa like sniggering outside and let out a wail. This whole situation is just so unjust!! Suddenly out the corner of my eye I see a lump, I venture forward and poke it.

It sinks its teeth into my leg. Yummy.

"oi bitch who the hell are you" it spits

Oh it talks!

"I'm maisy mouse" I reply (don't want to give him my real name as I don't want him hitting up snapchat maps and stalking me)

"golly gosh!" it drawls in a texan accent "Maisy! I used to have a crush on you! You don't look like you do on TV though... My name is Rango. I used to be a sheriff but got hovered up by this animal one day"

The creature emerges from the darkness. It looks like a frog/lizard but don't take my word on that I don't want to assume its species.

I shrug and lie down. It doesn't seem like we're going anywhere anytime and haven't slept in a 38.6721390 hours.

Several years later my eyelids are peeled open (with an actual peeler I know how arousing). This rango guy peers at me.

I screech in shock and leap backwards. Did this guy just.. just LOOK AT ME?! How utterly disrespectful! I was just sexually harassed! I whip out my phone and hit up 999 before realising it's probably unlikely that I'll ever get connection inside of a reindeer's stomach.

Ugh gosh! I hit up emergency services all day but they never hit me back!

All off a sudden there is a great rumble of thunder and a grape pops into the pit. How convenient! I grab it and squeeze it's juice at the criminal. It is a magical guava grape so of course it instantly kills him.

I cut off the frog/lizards tail and shove it into the reindeers flesh. After digging for several hundred hours I can finally see the light of day. I dive out the stomach and sprint off leaving the reindeer to die of blood loss.

The first thing I notice it that the sun is back in the freaking sky. Like who does that ?! I made it clear that our relationship was over but oh no he can't take the hint. Some people smh!

My head falls on the ground because I shook it so hard but don't worry I immediately click it back into place. 

I look around me to try and grasp where exactly I am. I appear to be in a field of corn. All of a sudden the sun grows legs and bolts out the sky. Ha! Good riddance! But then I glance up.. before me is a face I've thought of every night for my whole life and who has been the lock screen on my phone for like ever.

His hair is lush and slippery and his face looks exactly like mine.

I'm shook.

I slowly open my mouth and utter the word "b.. b.. brother?"

and kimmy of korea smiles right back at me.

"Hello sister..."