My not so ordinary life

My New 'Best Friend'

I peel my eyes open. I'm in some sort of cellar. The pungent smell of chicken wafts through the walls. Ew this is against my beliefs - I'm a vegan!! I have been for a whole hour! I oink and pound my fists against the walls (did I ever mention I'm half pig?) I scream "you animal killerz! You utter swine!" A guy appears in the doorway so I grab the chair out my pocket and swing it at him.

"Woah calm down my little chocolate angel delight!"

"Chocolate???!" I snarl "Do I look like I'm chocolate? Do I? Do I?" I get right up in his face and spit on him. "I'm quite obviously mint flavoured."

He licks up the spit and says "ahh yes you are as well. Anyhoo I've got a job for you."

"Do I get paid?" I sing.

"Yes you will earn 0.0264 p a year."

"Omigosh!" I cry "I'm going to be minted!"

He tells me to follow him so I do. We enter a kitchen. I gasp. The walls are plated in gold and the oven is 10 feet tall.

"Now Minty Moo" my captor continues,
I interrupt "HOW DID YOU KNOW MY MIDDLE NAME YOU FREAK?!" He ignores me. "I kidnapped you as I have a daughter of the same age who desperately needs a friend. Nobody likes her at school you see. Her name is Smanthia. She is obsessed with chicken as you can probably tell by the smell."

At that moment, the ugliest girl I've ever seen walks into the room. She has caramel flavoured hair, earrings obviously stolen from someone else and is wearing the same knickers as the girl from 50 shades of grey. Her eyes are glued to her phone and every so often she lets out a peal of laughter and murmurs things to herself. Ugh she's reading some Wattpad story. What a loser! Who reads Wattpad?! Her backpack has spikes on and seems to be embedded into her back - she never takes it off!

"Who are you, you stup?!" She snorts.

"Ah smanthia! This is your new best friend, Minty. She'll be living with you. Please don't kill her like the last one!"

"Whatever daddy. Where is my chicken dinner??" She replies, sounding bored.

"Right here. Share it with Minty!"

The two girls troop upstairs. They enter Smanthia's room. The room has got graffiti all over the wall and giant Nathan Triska posters are stuck up with plasters.

She gobbles down all the chicken without offering me any. "Villain, I have done thy mother!" I cry in indignation.

She stands up. "I'm going to the library to read my book with my imaginary friend Tydia!" she cackles and off she goes.

I jump into her bed and fall asleep.

After 2 years, I finally awaken and no smanthia is to be found. I find a note. "Cash me ousside" it reads. I meow and change into a an outfit from her wardrobe. It's a floral jumpsuit and a grey cardigan with black stars on. Vile. I jump out the window and there stands Smanthia, on the pavement, doing warm up exercises.

"Oh here comes the sleeping beauty" she sniggers. "You slept in MY bed for two years you hoe! I had to sleep on the trampoline. I'm gonna beat you up!"

She comes closer. Her fist is four times the size of her head. It comes into contact with my nose, which falls off. Very relaxing! I sigh and let my eyes close and I am stamped on. The pain flows through me like a cool summer breeze. This is heaven.

Suddenly I am bored. I flick Smanthia with my little fingernail and she falls backward, screaming. "You poisonous bunch-backed toad!" she cries and launches herself at me. I dodge, pick her up and throw her across the street. I then pick up my nose, attach it back onto my face with superglue and am on my merry way.

I decide to step back inside Smanthia's house and rob her. I melt down all the gold plated walls and stuff them in a backpack. I really am going to be a rich kid! Whilst I am dismantling her huge oven her father walks in. "Minty! What on earth..." then he sees my backpack.

"You're robbing us! I'm so proud of you! You are way braver than my piggish daughter I love you please let me marry you..!"

"Umm I'm an independent woman thank you very much! I don't need no man!" I reply.

His pleading eyes turn red and two horns plus a tail emerge. He spits out a ball of fire and a pitchfork appears out of nowhere.

Oh dear I've annoyed the devil.

"Minty," he roars "I am your father. You will do as I say! Marry me!"

I laugh. "My dad was half-werewolf half-pig you fake! You are neither. Keep on dreaming though honeybun" and with that I fly out the window.