My not so ordinary life

The Dessert in the Desert

"HEAVENS ABOVE!" I scream "THE GREAT HO HO HO IS COMING FOR ME!"

I have to hide. I have to hide. I have to hide.

I tear out of my office and handily there are cameras everywhere, broadcasting live on TV. I grab some guys microphone and scream into it "I RESIGN!!! I HATE YOU ALL!" before launching into a passing bus. I sit on top and watch everyone around gasp at me in pure shock and horror. I snarl at them. What is their problem? Like, have they never seen a prime minister with wolfish tendencies before?!

I make the bus driver drive to Dover and all of a sudden he says he can go no further! "No further?!" I cry "Make your bus grow wings and fly me to the Sahara Desert!" Obviously he does as I say and two seconds later he quite literally drops me down in the desert.

I snicker to myself. Ha! Santa will never find me here! I decide the best thing to do under these stressful circumstances is to get a tan so I lie down and allow the sun's rays to caress my face. I don't put any sun cream on of course as I am not a big fan of the flavour of it. Ten hours later I awaken. Golly! I must have dozed off! The sun is still lingering in the sky, but only just.

"MR. SUUUUN!" I screech "Don't you dare ditch me like this! I thought we were in a relationship! Do husbands just vanish from their wives lives when they feel like it?! Ummmm no! Think of our children!" I plead but that idiot ignores me and continues to sink lower and lower in the sky.

Enough is enough I think to myself and flex my long arms. I reach out a hand and poke the sun in it's eye. "Ha! How do you like that Mr. Sun?" I taunt "Do you regret trying to leave me yet?!" I get all up in his face and ponder for just a second about what I should do to him to punish him before slapping him straight out the sky.

I watch as he falls, silent screams pouring out his vindictive little mouth. I chuckle to myself as he spirals deep into the unknown, into the crevices of the universe, never to be seen again.

"Let that be a warning!" I inform all the other planets and moons who are watching me in awe. "I am the great Minty Bubble and if you mess with me there will be consequences!" I suddenly realise everything around me is black and the temperature has dropped. Weird. To my great suprise I look around to find I am no longer situated on the ground either. I glance up to see a kangaroo has taken me in it's arms. I relax. Kangaroos are pretty hot. Anywhere they are, I want to be too!

A little while later me and Mr. Kanga reach his lair. All the other kangas gather round and I can't help but admire their six packs. "Mint Choc Chip" one speaks in a scarily seductive voice. "We have kidnapped you because our master, the great grinch, needs you to help destroy Santa Claus". I gasp. The grinch wants my help! What an honour! "Of course! Anything to help my grinchy groo!" I stammer.

Another kangaroo steps forward. "Did you know the oh-so-great-and-good saint nick is really nothing more than a slut?" he questions and I gaze at him in astonishment (I won't specify what part of him I'm staring at) "when he comes down chimneys  he goes ho ho ho" the beast continues "and he is not being festive! He is actually just asking if there are any hoes about that he can get with!".

"What a good idea!" I begin but stop when I see the kanga's shocked face. "I mean... umm.. I have a good idea! Let's lure him here by making his favourite dessert and leaving it outside. That way we can beat him up!"

"Yassss Minty!" the kanga says "But what is his favourite pudding?!"

"Easy as pie! Well.. it is pie! Vinegar pie to be exact."

And together, the kangas and I work together all night and all day to produce the most pleasing and provocative pie around. Finally we are done. "It's time!" I yell and carefully, oh so carefully I lay the pie outside the den, ready to lure santa.

I scurry back to safety and within seconds there is a thud outside. "The great enemy has arrived!" one kanga whispers and the whole kangaroo army advances, armed with cactii, ready to pounce.

We peek outside and almost faint in shock. There is Santa Claus, with vinegar dripping down his beard, devouring the pie as if there were no tomorrow, but behind him are the creatures that are feared most in this part of the World... creatures that well will have to fight if we want to ensure the downfall of the great tyrant that is santa...

Reindeer...