My not so ordinary life

The Noble Minty Bubble

"I don't need assistance from a junior minister! What an absurd proposition!!" I drone in my newly adopted high and mighty voice.

I glance around the chamber and have to hold in a hyena laugh that's threatening to bubble up my throat. I can't believe these people! Posh old men in posh old suits sitting around absorbing every single word I say and nodding as if it makes sense.

I've been prime minister for two point three days now, ever since escaping from the devil and standing in a snap election. It was pretty easy to rig the votes (let's just say dear old Vlad is a good pal) so here I am, in charge of the country!

After announcing another new law the chamber was in uproar, all heartily agreeing with whatever nonsense I had just spouted. Some peasant thought they could help me calm things down by yelling at everyone to shut up. Like, excuse me?! I can manage on my own just fine!

I cough and all eyes swivel towards where I'm standing. "Law 383.6" I announce,

"it is now illegal to hold a salmon in a suspicious manner"

My proclamation is met with a cheer of approval. I am good at this job! After another hour and a few thousand more new laws I retire to my office. I'm lying on a handy hammock, sipping champagne (all paid for by the tax payer of course) when I get the call.

"They want to meet you honourable Minty!" an overly enthusiastic voice cries "The people who voted for you want to see their new leader and hear all about your wonderful party called MintChocChip4Ever!" I groan internally. Why would I want to meet all the average joes and susans of Great Britain?! I don't care about what they want!

Without giving me time to say no, the receiver is put down and before I know it my office is stuffed full of ordinaries. "What are your plans about housing?" one shouts "and what about transport?" another cries "it took my 23 days to get from Brighton to London on that stupid southern rail last month!" I sigh. This isn't going to be simple.

"Look forget all that.." I announce  "FREE ICE CREAM FOR ALL!" 

Shouts of joy come from every corner of the room. An old lady, with tears of pure happiness spilling down her cheeks, comes up to me. "You're perfect Minty!" She simpers "all these years we didn't need no nuclear weapons or trade deals we needed free ice cream!"

"All in a days work" I smirk.

I spend the rest of the day reading fascinating articles on snapchat. How to kill someone using a potato? My gosh, that's must-know knowledge! My team of elves do all my work for me, nobody can tell the difference! One even pretends to be me at a TV interview and no questions are raised.

I am engrossed in a passage regarding how one would go about making vodka from a potato when I am interrupted (yet again smh!)

"Honourable gentlewoman noble minty moo" an elf with especially pointy ears lisps, "there is uproar! Riots are happening in the streets! The cows are not producing enough ice cream to satisfy the needs of Britain!"

Ice cream is running out? Golly gosh! This is the first crisis I've had to deal with at parliament so far and by George, it's a serious one!

I gasp and spring to my feet. (My chair is stuck on my behind but let's not dwell on the details).

"I must visit the ice-cream cows!" I declare, "I must inspire them to produce more slippery goodness!"

With that I break down my office door and find myself outside, in a field of lush green grass, filled with cows as far as the eye can see.

I begin my speech:

"We are gathered here today to mourn the loss of the sanity of the British people..." I say in a solemn, serious tone. "And why I hear you ask is that? Well little cows IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU! You are not producing ice cream fast enough to keep up with demand and people are dying because of it! I promised free ice cream for all yet the good citizens of the United Kingdom are in lines as long as snakes waiting for their liquidy heaven. Is this really what you want? Do you really want people to give up their free time to wait for ice cream?! The answer is NO folks!! You must produce more more more! There will never be enough! Do you really want to have caused the collapse of civilisation? Well, you will be to blame if you carry on in this pathetic and despicable manner! You are all utter DISGRACES! You need to produce 63833 gallons a second or I will personally rip off your tails!"

With that I storm back into parliament. I'm so glad I don't identify as a cow! Imagine being the cause of something so terrible as a lack of ice cream!

A little while later I am told the situation has improved and the cows are behaving. Shame. It would have been quite relaxing to pull off a few tails.

I squeeze some cookie dough flavoured delight out my own personal cow and pour it down my throat. Who knew that being in charge of everyone and everything would be this easy!

As I slurp up the last of the cows supply and throws its shrivelled skin out the window my telephone rings yet again. I groan and reluctantly pick it up.

"Oi you slut" says a gruff voice on the other end. "You stole my elves! How very dare you!! I'm coming for you, you hoe!"

"Who is this?" I screech

"Only the most loved and appreciated man in the World. Santa Claus." and with that the line went dead.