My not so ordinary life

The Great Miscarriage of Justice

I awaken and groggily become aware of a certain someone named Justin Bieber lying on top of me.

Ok, that may be a small embellishment of the truth.

I awaken and groggily become aware that a poster of the famous kpop artist JB is languishing on top of me.

"LOOK I've told you before I'm just not interested!" I holler at it and try to focus my thoughts. What... what happened last night ? I vaguely remember drifting through the air, the atoms of which I am made up of intertwining and colliding with the clouds. But where am I now ?

All of a sudden I notice a faint glow in the corner of the room. I smile, remembering the first time I saw that light - that time I got a bit close with that alligator in Mississippi, died and saw the light at the end of the tunnel which was in fact heaven.

I edge closer... was I finally going to be reunited with my good pal God?!

Quite out of nowhere the light begins to shake its booty and dance, making odd noises as it does so.

Cautiously, I prod it and the glow intensifies. I gasp as I realise it is coming from a mobile device. How rather refreshing!

I pick it up and cradle it as if I were Adele bidding her lover goodbye. I punch in the passcode and am greeted with a blaring yellow square simply begging for attention (clingy much?!).

I examine it and come to the conclusion that it is that app called Snapchat which all the oats in the porridge I ate the other day were going on about.

I'd never considered using social media to detail my various escapades before! Oh how jolly this shall be! I think about the millions that will surely hit that follow button as soon as they see my lurid locks and a shiver of excitement runs down my spine.

Now the average human would need some time to navigate this new app but obvs I've already mastered that.

So, I log on and the screen fills up with snaps some random acquaintances have sent me. I snigger. Why on earth do all these random people I've barely even bothered to glance at all of a sudden want to be connected online ?

I open one of the snaps I've received out of curiosity but.. but when it loads and I see what it contains I can no longer continue living as I have done all these years... I simply cannot function. I fall to the ground, my mouth resembling a gaping hole, a single tear trickling down my perfectly made up face.

Then I begin to shake uncontrollably. My teeth grind together and my nostrils flare as I try to contain my anger for.. for the unspeakable had just happened to me... I... I had received a streak.

And no, before you try and accuse me of being over dramatic this was not any kind of streak.. this was the the very worst sort.. the.. the black screen with a single, hastily drawn 's' on it.

FLY ON THE WALL POV

I watch in horror and I see the hope fade from the young girl's eyes. I look deep into her soul and see crushed dreams and the faith she once had in humanity slowly diminish and die. Her face is as pale as the skin of a ginger and she looks utterly sick to the stomach. All of a sudden, the ground begins to shake and I fear the worst -  has that infamous six foot spider finally come to claim my life ? The darkness all around me is shattered as a great flame leaps up from the girl. I watch, slightly concerned, as fire erupts from her ears and her eyes change from a seductive slime colour to angry pools of fiery red.  I back away, not wanting to be turned to toast. Speaking of which - did you know some people actually put flies on their toast ?! They mix us in with their jam. Quite disgusting really. Anyhoo, I slowly retreat and am aware of my surroundings becoming even darker and the air has suddenly turned rather... moist? I turn around and am met with the glimmering eye of the six foot spid.......

(APOLOGIES FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE BUT THIS POV COULD NOT BE CONTINUED. A FUND PAGE HAS BEEN SET UP TO SUPPORT THE WIFE AND CHILDREN OF THE FLY - DM ME FOR DETAILS REGARDING THAT. HE WILL BE REMEMBERED AND SHALL REMAIN IN OUR HEARTS FOR EVER MORE).

I am completely, utterly and totally SHOOKETH. What on earth would possess someone to do.. do THAT?! How has the human race been through evolution and thousands of years of progress just for someone to put that little effort into something??!

Action is required and immediate action at that. I quickly hit up snapchat maps and locate the imbecile who just disregarded my feelings in such a brutal manner. I fly out a nearby window and storm through the streets, the ground shuddering and quaking beneath me.

"She's.. she's on a rampage" one grass blade whispers to another.

Before the clock chimes twelve I reach the ramshackle gate which leads to the property of the delinquent.

He opens the door but before he can react I whip some eggs out from behind my ear which I had tucked away earlier.

I launch them at him, one at a time, smirking as the shells shatter on his skull and the yolks drip down his nose.

"Are you... quite sane..?" he stutters

"Me?? sANE?" a chortle escapes my lips "not since 1991 honeybun! But.. hang on a second you think you can question my sanity after committing such a heinous crime against me?? Who do you think you are ??! Do you truly believe, deep in your heart (if you have one), that sending a solitary 's' is acceptable?? Honestly, I don't know how you can get up every morning and live with yourself being just FINE spending less than a second on greeting people!! I EXPECT AT LEAST A GOOD MORNING!!! AM I YOUR 'FRIEND' MERELY FOR A BLANK SCREEN?! I THINK NOT BITCH. Like.. like I don't understand! I'm a person too!! - well not quite but let's not dwell on the details - I ain't no robot that needs to maintained! FURTHERMORE don't think I didn't see what you put on your story this morning BISH! I KNOW you put a black screen with the TIME of all things on it !!!! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! BIG BEN??? I can, idk, maybe look at a clock?? It's like putting the date on your story like ummm... I know the date!!! I ain't no landline after a powercut!!! And do you actually think people care about what time it is?? N O THAT SPELLS NO! Like putting 'omG guys look it's 4.26am and I'm still awake! Hahahahah!1!!1!1!1!' Just.. just why?! You're not quirky or funny or cool or whatever you're tryna be I COULD NOT CARE LESS ABOUT YOUR BED TIME BRUV stop forcing this information into me !!!!!!!! IT'S AN INVASION OF MY BODY! I bet God isn't gonna approve of your behaviour! Just you wait until I see you at the gates of heaven and you get rejected because you think sending people an 's' OR EVEN JUST A SQUIGGLE - in red pen as well like EW - is a morally correct thing to do! Like noooo honey I have enough snakes in my life I DON'T NEED NO MORE 'S'!!!!!"

and with that I get a needle and thread, sew the boy's lips together, smash his phone and proceed to exit the establishment.