From The Ashes We Rise

Chp 12: Grievance

~2 years later, 2014~

3rd Person POV

2 years have passed and many things have changed. Ashley's mum was admitted to hospital yet again when she collapsed during her usual gym session. She was there for a few months before her heartbeat went flat. Ashley and Nick were the only ones to witness her death. It was painful for the family but her death hit Ashley the hardest; she was the main reason he carried on fighting and surviving all the bullying. She was also there to console him when he needed it the most.

Nick had also graduated from high school and has been admitted to a college in Wisconsin, away from their hometown in Minnesota. He had to stay in a dormitory there, leaving Ashley alone with his dad, who had started going to the club more often. This led to Ashley spending his days alone and unsupervised. Sammi had recovered fully and is out of her cast. That day, June 16 2014, was the funeral.

Ashley's POV

The funeral wasn't really as long as I had expected to be. That's what happens when you thought too much about whether your life was worth it. Sammi was sitting beside me in the church and we were waiting for our turn to pay our last respects to mum. While waiting, I heard a song playing softly in the background. I didn't know what song it was, but I kept hearing the lyrics 'so long and goodnight'. I just ignored it and stayed silent throughout the session.

Sammi and I didn't really talk as much as we used to that day; we were too sad to think of anything. We sat in silence and waited for the queue to shorten slightly. The wait was gruelling for us.

A few minutes later, Sammi got up to join the queue, followed by me. We paid our respects, with me being the last one to do so. When I looked into the casket, I saw my mum sleeping in a peaceful, eternal rest. She was clad in a beautiful white and black dress with her hands clasped over her chest. Her skin was even paler than when I last saw her in the hospital. I touched her body. It was cold, really cold. I guess it's just her body doing stuff. I shed a few tears and left the casket, sitting next to Sammi again.

"I don't really know what to do now...she's always been giving me emotional support. I-I really don't think I can handle my life now," I finally spoke.

"Don't worry Ash. Nick and I are here for you. We'll help you the best we can," Sammi consoled me. Surely she's got a point but I felt like another part of me was gone. I won't be looking forward to the future.

The next few days after the funeral was really hard for me. I started waking up and dreading life entirely; I just couldn't cope with the loss of a loved one. I didn't do much for a while, I mostly read some comics, drew or did some studying. Sometimes I'd watch TV but there wasn't really anything interesting on. Nick tried to spend the remaining time he had left with me before leaving for college in a week or so. He accompanied me when I was alone in the backyard and tried to crack jokes. Some worked on me but I rarely laughed at anything now. 

After a while, Nick stopped trying to make jokes as he realised how lame they were. He made horrible puns too. I spent time with him in his room most of the day; I even took a nap beside him on his bed. I had to cherish the last moments I had with my brother before he left.

I started eating less as I wouldn't feel that hungry. I'd spend the remaining days of summer in my room sulking around and finding possible ways to alleviate the pain but to no avail.

One day I was just lying in my bed when the door burst open. I heard the familiar drunken voice of my dad commanding me to make him some dinner. Oh, right. It was 5 pm. Like as if I'd do it. But if I didn't, he would beat me with that beer bottle he would be holding. That's what happened after mum's passing; dad would take this opportunity to boss me around like some slave. He's instructed me to obey everything he says and if I didn't, he'll probably abuse me or hit me with a beer bottle. He did this when in a drunken state, which would be most of the time. I doubt he knew what he's doing at all.

Anyway, he told me to make him something different for dinner and not some stupid salad. As if I could cook that well. I stared at him for a few seconds and just as he was about to raise his empty beer bottle at me, I zoomed out my room and stumbled into the kitchen. Once there, I grabbed a recipe book mum always used and browsed for a suitable dish to feed my drunken father.

"Hurry up, you dumb fuck!" my dad yelled from upstairs. I grumbled a little before yelling back.

"Yeah yeah, I haven't even started yet!"

"Then start, you fucking dick!"

I huffed and continued reading the recipe. I looked for the ingredients stated and lay them on the counter. Then, I prepared the dish, which was some lasagna. My mum had a liking for Italian food. At that point, I really didn't care what my dad liked; as long as I had prepared his food, he wouldn't hit me. I've suffered too many bruises and cuts for the past few days.

I finished preparing the lasagna after an hour and my dad decided to come down. I placed the food on the table and went back up to my room to sleep. Dad didn't really care about me anymore now; he wouldn't ask how I was doing or even give me any helpful advice. He's so drunk all the time that he barely thought straight.

I flopped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I exhaled and closed my eyes. Life without mum was severely different. It's even worse when Nick, the only one left who could give me support, was gonna leave me for college. I get that education was important but my well-being was on the line. There's nothing I could do about it so I had to face all my problems head-on from then onwards.

Summer was ending soon, I could feel it. I couldn't wait to get back to school and spend my time studying again. It's boring right now; even my mobile games weren't helping. I shifted slightly on my bed such that I could see my Panic! At The Disco poster. My wall hadn't been decorated fully with posters yet; I've never had the chance to buy any magazines because of the fact that I was too scared to go out.

After thinking deeply in my room, I went downstairs again to check on my dad. As expected, he's out cold from all that alcohol. His face was in his half-eaten lasagna and his breathing was so shallow that it was unnoticeable. I couldn't help myself; I took my phone out from my pocket and quickly snapped a picture of him. I sent it to Sammi just for laughs.

I didn't want to see him in that state so I adjusted him until he's sitting upright again. I left his face as it is but moved the plate away. I didn't feel like eating as much now so I just left the plate on the dinner table for dad to finish eating later.

I got out a packet of chips and went out to the backyard to watch nature. In the backyard there was this small tree which I could climb easily; its branches were low enough to step on. I climbed to the top of the tree and sat there while eating my chips. I usually do bird watching up there. It's quite fun.

Unfortunately, I couldn't stop thinking about mum. She's impacted my life in so many ways I couldn't even count. It sucked to lose her when I was barely a teen. I still needed her support now. I've visited her grave a few times this week and placed petunias, her favourite flower, on each visit. I usually sat there and just confided in her; I didn't care if I was talking to a gravestone, I just wanted her company, even if she's gone. I shed some tears thinking about it. I stopped eating my chips and climbed down.

By the time I went indoors, it was already 7:30 pm. Dad was finally awake and eating his food that already went cold. I rolled my eyes at my dad eating sloppily and climbed groggily up the stairs. I've been grieving for a bit too long for my liking. Maybe my studies would take my mind off it.