please dont say you love me // tracob au

0.1

June 15th

The warm and crisp early morning Californian air seeped though the small crack in the black curtains, giving the dark and mournful room a light yellow glow, the only other light in the room coming from the small green letters reading 5:39 am on the clock on the bedside table.

Those curtains have barely been opened in months.

The clock turns to 5:40 am on the nightstand and the room is met with a piercing ringtone coming from the phone on the bedside table. The sound was barely up halfway but with the amount of silence the room held, it might as well have been deafening. The body on the bed is all too used to this routine. Every morning at 5:40 am the same phone blares the same old ringtone at the same time signaling him to either make the decision to get up or to sleep the day away. Although the latter sounded like the best idea on the planet at this moment in time, Troye knew he had to get up. He hasn't left the house in three days and his mind was closing in on itself, as it had been doing for the past 92 days. But really, he's been going insane for over two years. He knew getting in his car and doing the thing he knew he should do might clear his head.

Troye rolled out of bed, shutting his alarm off as he rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and looked around the room. He gazed at everything as if to make sure that this was actually his life and he hadn't dreamt the past two years.

Nope. It's real.

He stretched his body and made his way to the bathroom to relieve himself and wash his face, hoping his vanilla scented face scrub would somehow wash the death from his face. He hoped it would magically remove the dark circles under his eyes that have been there so long he doesn't remember what he looks like without them. He hoped it would bring back the lightness of his eyes that everyone always commented about when they first met him.

Your eyes are like sparkling pools!

Your eyes sparkle more than the stars!

You have the eyes of your mother Troye!

He gave himself a half smile in the mirror at the memory of his mother. A specific time of when he was 6 and asked her how they had the same beautiful blue eyes popping into his mind. He didn't understand how genetics worked and he couldn't understand the concept of why his eyes seemed to sparkle more than hers. He said it wasn't fair. The image of his youthful and young mother was soon washed away by the last time he saw her. Her eyes no longer bright and youthful, but weak and tired. Her face fighting against her begging her to get some sleep, to stop crying so much. Her solemn expression matched Troye's as she was practically dragged out the door by Shaun, both of them getting in the cab they had called and driving away towards the airport.

But suddenly he couldn't see that anymore. He couldn't see the love and hopefulness in his eyes that he once knew he had. He stared at himself in the mirror for a few more moments before he had to tear his gaze away. He couldn't watch himself fall apart more than he already had. Troye walked back into his bedroom and changed out of his pajama pants and threw on a pair of skinny jeans, tight as can be and holes in the knees just how he liked them. Although this particular pair hung a little looser than they used to.

Troye pretended not to notice.

He left on his ratty tshirt and sweatshirt that he had slept in and walked over to his dresser, opening the top drawer. An array of beanies and bandanas and hats were haphazardly thrown in there. He picked up a navy beanie and was adjusting it on his head when he caught himself in the mirror for the second time this morning. He sighed and looked back down in the drawer, his eyes landing on his grey knit beanie, hiding under the rest, just peeking out and begging to be seen. He sighed as he took the navy one of his head and tossed it on the floor, not having a single thought about picking it up. He reached out for the grey one and let his fingers run over the fabric, his thumb grazing the edge. It was slightly dirty and pretty worn out but he loved it. This beanie has gotten lots of use out in its short lifespan. He gave the smallest of smiles to himself as he placed it on his head and fixed it until it felt like home on his head.