please dont say you love me // tracob au

1.4

It was a surreal feeling, being awake in the morning. It was a quiet but also a sad kind of peace. No one except the really early risers were really awake yet, and the sun hasn't risen yet, leaving an eerie feeling in the air. Troye was scared that the sound of the mugs clinking together in the cabinet or the mere rumbling of the coffee maker rumbling would disturb it somehow. After all, he found comfort in it. He enjoyed the silence, the loneliness and the quiet. It was as if he could just sit with his thoughts and be peacefully sad. No one expected anything from him. He didn't have people blowing up his phone and asking how he is or if he needs anything (but occasionally even that was disrupted as well, because 5 am in LA meant it was late evening in Melbourne and sometimes he got some worried/concerned/please just respond to us text messages from his family). 

He usually ignored them. 

While it was true he enjoyed the silence, he could very much tell he was growing increasingly comfortable having the big tall man who was currently still sleeping soundly in bed, next to him at any given moment. Next to him and laughing with that big loud laugh that somehow made him want to crawl inside of it and only hear that sound for the rest of his life. He was getting fond of seeing him scramble to get ready in the morning when he had an early grocery store shift, gathering his socks and jeans and brushing his teeth with the toothbrush he had next to Troye's sink. He had been bringing it in a bag with other toiletries every time he came over just incase he stayed over (which he usually did), but one time he left it by accident and it was with a shy and small voice that Troye suggested that he should just leave it there...if he wants to. On those early mornings, he usually tried not to wake Troye up, but sometimes Jacob was just the littlest bit too loud. But Troye didn't mind in the slightest. 

Troye hated to admit that he was becoming used to expecting Jacob to text him the second his shift was over and when he was on his way to school for his classes. He hated to think about the way sometimes Jacob would text while he was driving because Troye was just too important. He makes a mental note to tell Jacob to not do that anymore. He thinks about all the pizza's Jacob has brought him and all the coffee Jacob has made him. 

Always Hazelnut. 

He knew he now appreciated Jacob's presence more than the terrifying quiet his life has been plagued with in recent. He was in love with him. What can he expect? 

Troye wrapped his thin and cold hand tighter around his coffee mug and lifted it up to his lips, taking a big long sip and placing it back down on the table. He placed his other hand around the other side to feel the warmth coming from the mug seep into his hands. He was sat at the table, with his knees pulled up onto the chair and pressed closely against his chest, making himself as small as could be. 

He fell asleep last night with a happy, carefree smile on his face and a tummy filled with good food from their nice meal out, but this morning Troye awoke with a somber feeling in his heart and a worry plaguing his mind. His hands haven't stopped shaking since nearly 4:30 am. He clicked the home button on his phone which was sat next to him on the table, and checked the time. 

It was now 5:12 am. The sunrise was in less than 45 minutes. And his hands still couldn't stop shaking. 

He tried to not think about it. He tried to think about Jacob, the man he finally admitted he was in love with, the man who accepted the love with open arms and told Troye how much he meant to him. Who told Troye with a serious face to make sure not to give more than he was capable of letting go, because he needed to be his own #1 priority. 

He tried to think about how Jacob has been the most patient person in the whole entire world with all of this. How when Troye left without any explanation and went to the other side of the world all he had to say was I love you and I hope you're okay and text me if you need me. No What the fuck or Why can't you get your shit together or even a I can't do this anymore. Sorry.