please dont say you love me // tracob au

0.2

Troye woke up to his alarm blaring at 5:40 am and slowly groaned as he started to sit up in bed. He felt ... different somehow. He felt lighter. He didn't feel the immense sadness that hit him every day when he realized where he was and who wasn't with him. He reached over to turn off his alarm and looked at the picture placed on his bedside table. It's the same one thats been there for over a year. A picture of Troye and Connor at a party not too far into their relationship. Connor's arms were around Troye like he was protecting him with everything he had with his lips pressed firmly against his cheek. He looked at the picture and smiled. Not feeling like he needed to burst into tears or punch a wall. But felt content in the thought of knowing that Connor was okay. He wasn't alive, but he was okay.

The light sound of rain hitting the window outside his bedroom brought him out of his nostalgic thoughts. He slowly got out of bed and walked over to the window. He carefully opened the blinds almost like he had forgotten how. He didn't open them all the way, just halfway to let some of the barely there light in since the sun had barely started rising. He watched as the dreary LA sky let out its emotions onto his window pane and he watched as the raindrops raced down the window until they couldn't be seen anymore, blending in with the water gathering at the bottom.

Troye always loved the rain. It felt like he could take comfort in the fact the sky had bad days too. Like he could walk outside and maybe his outsides would finally match how he feels on the inside. He remembers him and Connor would go for walks in the rain all the time. Connor enjoyed it just as much as Troye did. He enjoyed watching his boyfriend relish in the most innocent of things. They'd end up soaking wet at some random coffee shop downtown to warm up their insides while laughing about how fun their little adventure was while figuring out how they will get home.

Growing up in Australia and now living in LA, he's always in places where it barely rains which makes rare days like this all the more special. He knew he needed to make the most of today. He got ready for his day ahead and added an extra layer by throwing on his black raincoat and grabbed an umbrella and headed out.

The graveyard was even quieter on rainy days. After visiting Connor like usual, he decided to go for a walk. He walked between rows and rows of graves, wondering what their stories were. Who they left behind, how they died. He stopped in front of one small, newer looking grave in particular. He could barely read the name but could see the date. 2005 - 2014. He was only nine. He was nine and his life was ripped from him just like Connor's was. He swallowed the lump in his throat and found an old bench to sit on. It was soaking wet from the rain but he didn't care at the moment. He lowered himself on the bench and let the water soak his jeans. He looked up to the sky from under his umbrella and let the sky soak his face.

This felt like therapy.

He sat there for awhile, just taking in the atmosphere. An older man came walking up the path, holding tightly onto an umbrella and making his way to the back of the graveyard. He and Troye made eye contact for a long second, as if to say... I understand, without saying anything at all. After a few moments he got up and found his way back to the car. He sat in his car and as he heated up his body and let music play softly through the speakers, he put his hands on the steering wheel. And for the first time, he didn't feel like going home. He put the car in reverse and drove to the first place he could think of.

He walked into the grocery store with nothing specifically in mind, he still had a lot of the food Emma had purchased for him last week and was surviving off of that for the time being. It was before 7 am and so the store was quite empty. Mostly just busy business employees getting morning coffee and donuts for meetings. He spotted a few middle aged women, probably moms, getting their grocery shopping for the week out of the way while it was quiet. Troye looked down and for the first time realized how truly soaked he was. He very much looked like he could've just went down a slip-n-slide fully dressed. He rung out some of the water from his hair and adjusted his beanie to hide the frizziness that his hair seemed to be sporting this morning.