please dont say you love me // tracob au

2.0

Troye gazed out onto the road just as a car passed by, the tires on the car gliding straight through a puddle, nearly hydroplaning for a mere second. He listened to the sound of the water spray across the street and the fading sound of the car's tires on the wet road. The rain wasn't nearly as bad as yesterday and the day before, just a few drizzles here and there but to Los Angeles, it was as if there was a hurricane coming. He could sense a quietness throughout the entire city, even from his standing position on his small porch in front of his small apartment in West Hollywood. It was a dreary day, and it somehow made Troye feel happier than someone in his position probably should be. He observed the street as another car grazed by. There were puddles of rainwater everywhere and the sun hadn't yet come out today from its place hidden behind the mass of grey clouds in the sky. It was chillier than usual, making Troye put on a sweater before he snuck outside. He was standing in very loose hanging sweats (that were most definitely Jacobs) and a t-shirt, with his thin greyish/dirty purple sweater on top that went nearly all the way down to his calves. It was practically a cape, and made him feel sort of like a model. Or a superhero.

His eyes felt sort of heavy. He wasn't overly sleepy but just- subdued. Jacob said he'd probably still be affected from the hospital medicine and that the feeling should go away soon, after getting a proper amount of rest and lots of nutrients. He sighed as he leaned against the wooden column that was on top of the steps. His left shoulder was nearly going numb from leaning on it for so long but he didn't seem to care. He was rubbing his fingers together as he held out his hand slightly so he could feel the drops of water fall from the roof onto his hand. It's like the water falling into his hand was holy water or something. It was mesmerizing. It felt calming to his mind that he was trying his best to so desperately slow down.

Jacob has been walking around him on eggshells all morning. It was a mutual agreement that Troye wasn't okay without Troye having to say anything, as swallowing half a bottle of pills is kind of a clear cut sign that he wasn't. He felt kind of like he was drowning, but also like he was stuck inside a clear plastic box, with no way out, and he was banging loudly on the inside trying to get someone to listen to his cries and pleas of help and none of the outside passersby's could hear him. He feels like the past nearly three years of his life he's gone though the spectrum of human emotions. He felt shocked and sad and out of control when Connor was diagnosed, and then he was hopeful and determined when they started treatment. Day in and day out he was running on autopilot with no time to feel sad, always putting Connor's needs before his own. He was mentally exhausted and physically worn out. Yet he had no time to be somber because he wasn't the one dying. He couldn't. And then as Connor starting dying he lost that hope and started filling himself with sadness and regret. He felt happy for the first time in a long time when he realized he loved Jacob. And he thought that maybe Jacob was his answer. He wasn't going to be sad anymore and Jacob would give him everything he needed. By some miracle Jacob found his way into his life and he was here to fix him. But that only lasted for so long before he realized he was still sad. And he felt sad for so long and now he feels that maybe he wore himself out of sadness and now he's just left with emptiness. Now he doesn't necessarily feel like he's drowning, but floating. And floating away from everything he knows and cares about. And he can't control where he's going.

He didn't know exactly what he was supposed to feel in this moment. He wanted to fight Jacob at every moment about how he would be fine, but he genuinely couldn't tell if he was being honest about that anymore because he himself didn't know. He couldn't tell Jacob he'd be fine because for the first time he didn't feel like lying. Or fighting. He felt like laying back and taking whatever beating the world would give him. But he also knew the beating would be the exact opposite because at the moment, Jacob was his world and Jacob was nothing but love and gentle and forgiveness and kindness.