Alone again, Phil lets out a small groan and lays his head down on the desk. He closes his eyes and, in the quiet of the upstairs room, allows the daydreams and thoughts that have been plaguing him all morning to slowly creep back into his head. It's like being stuck between two lives. One is imperfect but still amazing. The other, the one responsible for his current distress, is now the only one he can picture himself living in anymore. He has constructed every scenario possible involving the two of them. His stomach churns painfully with the realization that he is going to have to pick an outcome and attempt to make it happen. He finally admits to himself what he knew all along, but was too afraid to accept it: He loves Dan.
His fantasy life is seeping into his real life with increasing speed. It was fine at first when he was just admiring the way Dan looks. An extra peek here and there when Dan would come out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist, a lingering look when he was concentrating and chewing on his bottom lip. After all, who wouldn't? The once solid platonic dividing line between the two is now blurry and unsure of itself. For the first time in 10 years, Phil feels the weight of time pressing down on him.
He lifts his head from the desk and stares blankly ahead at the computer screen. He glances sideways at the empty seat and the void that Dan left behind after he worked his way back down the steps. Without thinking, he reaches out and lays his hand on the still warm place on the once occupied chair. With his decision made, his head is clear or the first time in quite a while. Apparently, making life altering decisions does wonders for your concentration he thinks miserably. He turns his attention back to the computer. He clicks on the first video and their faces suddenly fill the screen.
By this time in his YouTube career, Phil can practically edit their videos with his eyes closed. What used to be a painstakingly slow process, is now second nature. But this time, he's looking for something specific in their videos. He feels sort of foolish and leans over to push the door almost all the way shut, not wanting to get caught. He hits play and leans back in the chair again to watch the raw footage from their last Sims 4 recording.
Over the years, he has seen thousands of comments about the way Dan supposedly looks at him. He's always just brushed them off and never cared enough to notice if the fans were correct or not, but recently, it has started to matter to him. A lot. He had never breached the subject with Dan, partially because Dan would always just brush it off when someone brought up 'heart-eyed Howell' during one of the live shows. But what if there was some truth to it?
He had to know.
YOU ARE READING
24 Hours - Phan
FanfictionLiving a life in the public eye is hard, but it becomes almost impossible when you have to pretend you aren't in love. There gets to be a point when friendship, secret glances, and fantasizing just aren't enough anymore. So what do you do when your...
