24 Hours - Phan

7:00am

Phil tries to shake his thoughts away and looks up, surprised at how far he has walked. Less than a block away now and he can clearly see the white painted door that led upstairs to their flat. Around him, everything is familiar and filled with memories again, which is both comforting and terrifying at the same time.

He stands motionless on the stoop. He looks up to see that the windows on the second floor of the narrow brick building are still open from the day before. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. Dan always insisted on having them open at night. He says it makes him feel less guilty for staying inside all day. They're usually closed by now, which makes him wonder if Dan is even there. That thought feels like a twenty-pound weight has just been lowered onto his shoulders. He never really thought about the possibility that Dan wouldn't be here when he got back. Of course, he wasn't planning on wandering around London all night by himself either. Maybe Dan is back in bed and sleeping. Phil has a fleeting thought about just crawling back in bed with him and pretending the argument never happened. He takes out his phone to see if maybe Dan has called or texted, but he sighs when he sees that it is dead.

But right now, this is happening. It is real. He prays that Dan is still on the other side of that door. Phil puts his hands on either side of the doorway and leans forward, his eyes closed, until his forehead touches the rough wood. He can feel and hear the people on the busy London sidewalk behind him as he continues to face the door. Their voices blend together, snippets of conversation about jobs and families drift his way. In this moment, even though his life is paused, theirs continue on seamlessly. His tall, still figure balances in the doorway, somehow remaining unseen to them. But isn't that what everyone wants in the end? he thinks. To really be seen by someone?

After one more deep breath, he reaches forward, puts his key in the lock, turns the scuffed brass doorknob, and slowly pushes open the door with a shaking hand. The steep stairway looms in front of him. Holding the railing, he puts his foot on the first wooden stair and starts his long ascent. Miraculously, he makes it to the top without a creaking step making his presence known. The staircase opens up into the far corner of the living room, so when he quietly steps into the room, his presence goes momentarily unnoticed by the boy curled up in a ball in the middle of the brown couch.

Relief floods Phil's entire body, making his knees feel all wobbly. Dan is still here, he thinks. He stands in the doorway and observes him discreetly, just as he always does. Even after 9 years, each time Phil looks at him, he's completely unprepared for the emotions he feels. Despite the black clothes and his now internet famous existential crises and dark soul, Dan is his sun. In one way or another, he will always orbit around him. The fact that Dan is completely oblivious to that fact makes Phil just want to pull his wobbly orbit in a little closer. He is the satellite to Dan's burning star and needs him in order to even exist.

As Phil shifts his weight, a slight creak from the floorboards catches Dan's attention and his eyes immediately snap open. Seeing Phil standing across the room, he unfolds from his spot on the couch and stands wordlessly, struggling to keep his balance. His eyes search Phil's face in silent intensity, trying to read his thoughts and intentions, bracing himself for the possibility that his world is getting ready to crash down around him and shatter in pieces.

Phil feels a pang in his heart as his eyes take Dan in. All of the worries and doubts that plagued him in the doorway flee his mind like scared birds in that moment. With a weary gaze, Dan takes a single cautious step forward out of the shadows and then stops almost as if he's changed his mind. The light from the dawn creeping in through the window is now illuminating his face.

Seeing Dan in the daylight, causes the tears to start to pool in Phil's eyes, threatening to spill over. The pained look Dan wears tells Phil the true depth of the wounds they inflicted on each other last night. His once perfect skin is mottled and tear stained. Sorrow and a deep hollowness surrounds him like a thick fog. But despite all of this, somehow he's even more beautiful by virtue of suffering. A wave of guilt and shame washes over Phil as he realizes all of Dan's pain is due to his actions and selfishness. He feels horrible having left Dan like that, despite him begging Phil to stay. Phil tries not to wonder how close Dan had become to being completely consumed by his sorrow during the night while he was gone. Seeing him makes Phil realize that he was mistaken in his thinking that some sort of answer about their future was something he could find while wandering around the streets of London by himself in the middle of the night.

Before Phil can say anything, Dan silently walks toward him, stopping about a foot away from where Phil is standing. His chaotic brown eyes drop to the floor between them and it's all Phil can do to keep from grabbing him and pulling him into an embrace. Dan trembles as he carefully picks his words.

"It's not enough anymore."

He says it so quietly that I question if the words really left his lips.

"Ever since you kissed me, what we had before isn't enough." His eyes lift and find mine again. "We can't go back, and I don't want to. I'm not perfect, Phil, but I love you and want to be with you, if you'll still have me," he says softly.