Let Art Be Our Weapon: Frerard/Killjoys Epic

Fading Away

          "Gerard? Gerard, hey, wake up." I strain my eyes and after a moment and a few more shakes to the shoulder, I open my eyes. Helena kneels next to me with Luke. "Gerard? Can you hear me?" Helena asks.
I try sitting up but let out a groan. "Hey, easy. You just got out of paralysis," Luke says.
I look around. Frank is still out. Melanie and Addison weekly sit next to him. Ray is a few feet over with Mikey, both sitting up. It's just us 8. No, not just us 8. Dozens of shot up white suits. Korse isn't here and neither is Grace-Jeanette. "Gerard?" Helena asks again.
I face her. "She's gone," I croak. Helena looks down. Running away from the car and hiding her in the ditch, I never thought they'd get her there. I thought I could fight them all of and keep her safe but I didn't. I let them take her away, drag her back to the Unit or the Society. They hurt her and will brainwash her. God knows what else.
I slowly sit up and Luke helps me up, holding onto me for balance. My legs tremble but it's not from the paralysis. "It's okay, Gerard," he tells me.
I shake my head. "No, no it's not and it won't be." I lean on the tree I took cover behind and dig my palms into the rough bark. They took her alive. Korse has her. She's a little girl. She's scared and all alone. I let them take her."
"It wasn't your fault," Helena says.
"But that's the thing, it is my fault. Hell, I didn't have to bring her with. She would have been safer at the base."
"Gerard," Luke speaks, his voice cracking, "the base had been compromised. It wouldn't have been much safer."
"But that's the thing," I wheeze. "I took her out of the car, I could have left her and told her to stay hidden. I brought her closer to danger."
"He easily could have found her in the car," Luke points out.
"Look, I made the worst of the situation. Anything else would have been better. I fucked up," I mutter. I bang my head against the tree repeatedly.
Helena grabs my face and pulls me away from the tree. "Gerard Way!" she cries out. She stares at me hard, her eyes vacant and stained with tears. She hates herself for losing Grace and letting Korse get away but there's something else. She hates seeing me take it out on myself so harshly. She doesn't need to say or do anything else. Her eyes, the look on my friend's eyes is enough to break me.
I close my eyes and she pulls me close to her for a hug. Her shoulders shake and her jaw trembles. "I'm sorry," I mutter. Helena just shakes her head. Slowly, she steps away and wipes her tears with her hand. I rest back against the tree. The thought of Grace-Jeanette gone starts eating me up more and more. I can't even stand anymore. I sink down to the ground and fall in the dirt.
"I-I need to check the others," Luke says shuffling away.
Helena joins me on the ground. Her eyes fixate on the horizon. "She reminded me of Caleb," she whispers. "Just a girl and 2 years younger. Other than that, they're the same." I nod listening to her talk about her brother. I don't want to say anything so I let her. It helps keep me level, holding onto something and not let my demons eat me up. My car is in good condition just needs new front tires. The others connect Kemia to Luke's van and we decide to return to the base. It's not that late but it is already getting dark. It's early sunsets over wherever we are. Luke, Melanie, and Helena sit in the front. The rest of us sit in the back in silence. Frank lies in my lap and I hold onto him tightly. He doesn't say anything but I'm certain I was holding him tight enough to cause bruises. I needed something to grip to keep me refrain from screaming and something to hold to stop me from throwing myself out of the moving van.
Luke makes it to the base but none of us want to get out. We all just sit for minutes, waiting for something. Mason finally comes around and slides open the door. "You all sleeping in here?" he jokes. None of us laugh. "Tough crowd or that worn out from Korse?" Still silence. "Guys?" Mason asks now concerned. Exchanging looks, we still can't bear to say it. We failed. We got fucked over good. I let them take Grace-Jeanette and Korse escape. Slowly, Mason comes to the realization that something is dearly wrong. He scans every one of us, looking for a sign of something. I avoid looking him in the eyes. I stare at the ground, at my boots. Mason looks over all of us again before it dawns on him we're one person short. He doesn't bother to ask, he just knows. "Oh my god," he blurts out, his jaw hangs open and he drops his tool. It falls to the ground and clatters on the garage floor.
We all sink our heads low. Mason stands frozen, unsure to be angry, sad, or just numb. A mixture of all three plays out and he shuffles back and sits on a stool. We have to get out at some point and Luke knows this as well. He opens his door and reluctantly steps out of the van. Melanie starts following him and Helena gets out on her side. Ray steps out and the rest of us follow him inside the diner. We each pass Mason and he sits immobilize still at the realization that his niece is gone.
By the time we reached back here, it's definitely passed midnight. Most of the Killjoys are in their bunks. We can go another day without having to bare admit we lost her. Luke and Melanie stay in the diner for a little bit and the rest of us go downstairs.
"You guys go to sleep, I.. I need a moment," Mikey awkwardly croaks before heading off to a different part of the base.
I give Addison a glance. "Keep him company," I tell her. She gives a nod and follows after him. He sees her but doesn't send her back. Of course, he, wouldn't
The four of us quietly go downstairs and find our bunks. Ray's is taken so he goes over to Helena's and sleeps on the lower mattress. Frank and I go to our spot on the left but the top is taken. I take Frank's hand and guide him with me to share the lower mattress. It's large enough. We take off our holster, belts, masks, and jackets just leaving them on the floor hastily.
Frank curls up next to me and I wrap my arms around him. His tears soak up in my shirt and muffled sobs escape his mouth. The sound of him so sad, as sad as I am, only kills me more inside, if there's anything left alive and I'm not already dead inside. His body shakes violently and I rub his back to calm him. I do a better job at crying silently. Frank rarely cries, only when he can no longer stay strong. I find myself crying ever night and not once have I disturbed anyone with my nonsense troubles. I guess I have more practice as being quiet then he does.
I do my best to comfort Frank while discreetly mourn myself. If he sees my crying, it only make it worse for his sake. Frank starts getting hiccups and I tell him to breathe. He does his best to calm down. I run his hair out of his face and kiss his forehead. He holds onto my wrists and I wipe his tears away with my thumbs. "Breathe in, baby. Just breathe, focus on that," I whisper.
He gives a weak inhale and a shaking exhale. Turning on his side, he clings to me closer. "Thank you, Gee. I love you more than words could ever say," he murmurs then exhaling again. I lost track of time. It's got to be closer to dawn than to midnight by now. Frank tilts his head up and meets my lips. He gives a lingering kiss before drifting off. I continue to rub his bank and tangle my fingers in my hair. Slowly, I become more distraught with myself. Frank stirs but doesn't wake up. Soon, he turns away from me and I no longer have him to hold onto. I lie still but all I think of is Grace-Jeanette and Korse. I can't sleep. I can't even lie down anymore.
I sit up and hang my feet over the bed. Staring at the ground, my eyes fixate on my jacket then wander to my holster. My eyes lock on the canary yellow gun, my gun and a chill rushes through me, causing me to physically shudder. I reach down but my hand stops, hovering over it. What is it? I have picked up and held my blaster a thousand times before. That is the same gun I got when I came here as a kid. That's the same blaster I use to defend myself and protect everyone else. I was holding it not too long ago, hell, I was using it to kill people not too long ago. So why is it that I'm scared to hold my own gun right now?
Get over, Gerard. My shaking hand reaches down and quickly snatches it off the ground. Rotating it in my hand and examining it like this is the first time I've seen it. It's my gun, the same one I've always had and used. It's not any different, not at all. I'm just looking at it differently. I want to use it differently, that's why I'm scared. Not to defend myself, quite the contrary.
I continue rotating it around my hands, looking at it at every and all angles. Would anyone notice? Hell, would anyone even care? That's the real question. Would anyone care? I don't deserve to still be alive. I've done nothing to prove I'm worthy of surviving so why am I still here? I let them take her alive. In this world, things are better off when you're dead. If I had the guts to put this to her head...She would be better off dead but I don't want her to be. I just... just want her safe. It's eating me alive. Does it matter what I want if she's already dead? I don't even know if they kept her alive for this long. They could have killed her the second after I shut my eyes.
You promised! was the last thing she screamed. You promised! Should I be shocked by the last thing she said? I promised I would never let them hurt her and I watched them do just that. She has every right to say that I have no right to be distraught by her famous last words. I can't put her out of her misery and kill her. Even if I could, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to it. She's too innocent and sweet and kind. I could never kill her even if I had to. I can however kill myself. I raise my gun to my head but before I pull this trigger, I think of the others. The sound of the blast would alert everyone, Frank would be just open his eyes and see me dead. His eyes vacant and stained... No. I lower the gun. I can't do it with him lying next to me. The last things he told me just makes everything so much worse. Thank you, Gee. I love you more than words could ever say. In saying you love me, just made things harder at best. But those words change nothing. I still deserve to die. His body remains lying next to me. I can't do it. I can't kill myself with him here but I can't stay alive, not anymore. There's no room in this hell then again, there's no room in the next. I run my fingers through Frank's hair one last time. Our memories defeat us and I'll end this direst. Would anyone notice there's a corpse in this bed? Yes, they would notice. That's why I need to leave the base.
It would be easy to kill myself. Sticking the damn thing to my head and pulling back a trigger I have pulled back a thousand times before. I have ended so many lives, what's one more? What difference does it make that it's mine? But it's harder than I thought. It's not killing myself that's hard, it's the goodbyes. "The hardest part of this is leaving you," I whisper to Frank. He of course doesn't hear me, doesn't even stir. I look at him hard, trying to memorize and remember his face, his touch, the color of his eyes, the sound of his laugh and the vibrations of his voice. I gently bring his face towards me and lightly kiss him. I don't want to let go. Frank starts kissing me back and I wait a moment longer. Pulling away, Frank turns back on his side. He's still asleep, which is good and bad. Good, he can't stop me from leaving. Bad, I'm going to miss him.
I pick up my belongings off the floor and head back upstairs. At some point, the others came down because the diner is quiet. The two guards sit outside on the edge. I discreetly sneak out and start walking into the zones, blaster in hand. It's not hard to kill myself. It's a simple task in fact. But there's only one complication. I said my goodbyes but I'm still moving so now I have to just find a place. A good place, no. I don't deserve good of anything. A place that fits me. A place for Gerard Way.