ASHLEY

41

   My stomach is filled with butterflies right now. Feels like I can't even breathe. Everything in me is telling me to get out of this house and run for the hills but I have to do this. He deserves to meet with me. Where is weed when I need it? Ugh, I'm starting to think like a stoner. I stop my pacing and run out my room when I hear the doorbell ring. He's here. He's five minutes early. Of course he is.

   I walk to the door but for some reason I find it hard to open it. This is all just so overwhelming for me.

   After a deep breath realization sets in. Telling him to leave would only raise suspicion. I've been ignoring him all week. The knob is turned and the door is swung open before second thoughts come to mind. "Hi," he greets me with an unsure smile.

   "Hi," I try to smile. I want to but I just can't bring myself to. "Come in and have a seat on the couch."

   His cologne is heavy and it's manly scent invades my nose as he walks past me on his way to the couch. I picture cuddling with him and smelling like his amazing cologne. Those butterflies return. This is going to be so hard.

   Relunctantly I bring myself to stomach the idea of sitting next to him on the couch and so I do. I try to put a good space between us but he tries to close. I place my hand up, signaling him to stop. His thick eyebrows come together in worry. "What's wrong? You haven't been returning my calls or text. I was worried about you. Is everything okay?"

   "Just...I..." I can't do this to him. He cares about me so much and I'm about to put an end to that. I'm about to crush him.

   "Well?"

   "I can't do this anymore Isaiah." There. I just came right out and said before I change my mind.

   I turn from him, waiting for him to blow up at me. I spent all night planning how this would turn out in my head. The blame isn't on him. He has every right to be mad. Every right. Strangly the screaming doesn't come. I turn to Isaiah to find him staring at me with shock written across his face. "What did I do wrong?"

   Here he goes again taking the blame for me. I can't let him do that. "You did nothing wrong. You're perfect. There's just a lot of stuff I need to fix and I think a break will help that."

   "Bria when people say they want a break they usually end up breaking up," he says.

   "I'm hurting you, Isaiah. I don't want to but I find myself doing it a lot-"

   "What are you talking about?"

   Why can't I say it? Why can't I tell him I cheated on him with Kenneth? He deserves to know the truth. Its not enough to say I just can't do this anymore. I never wanted to be that person that breaks up with someone without giving them a legit reason but I can't bring myself to tell him. "You're so amazing. You are. That's what scares me. I don't want to ruin you for someone else, someone better. The two of us are so different. We were never going to work. You can't tell me you didn't see that."

   "Bria don't do this. It will hurt me more not being with you after all those moments we shared. You know what I really think is going on here?"

   Oh crap! He knows. I don't know how he found out but he did. Maybe Angela told him. She had to. That would be such a low blow. I didn't tell Aunt Jackie about her being pregnant. I'm going to kill her. "Isaiah I-"

   "You're starting to fall in love with me and its starting to scare you so you want to run away from me, from us," he says and rest his hand on my leg. That wasn't what I was expecting to hear.

   "That's not what I was saying," I whine. He isn't listening to me. He isn't getting the point.

   "Of course you're afraid to come right out and say it. You don't know how-"

   "Isaiah stop-"

   "I know I'm right. When you met me you weren't looking for a boyfriend. You only wanted someone to talk to. You weren't expecting to grow feelings for me. I know you don't love me but you feel something-"

   "No I don't! I don't feel anything with you!" The words are out of my mouth before I can restrain myself. I hadn't meant to come right out and say that but he wouldn't listen. I had to do something. I couldn't listen to him talk about how much he thinks I care for him. I care about him a lot. That's just not enough. Isaiah needs and wants love. If me pretending to not have feelings for him is the only way to get my point across them so be it. I refuse to drag him along any further.

   After a long pause I look up to find Isaiah staring at the shagging blue carpet as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. Nothing. Not a sound. Not a single movement.

   I've done it. I really did it; the one thing I was trying to prevent from happening I did it. He Will never forgive me for this. How could anyone? I'm a horrible person. No matter how much food I try to do I always end up hurting people in the end. I'm so messed up. I was right about one thing: Isaiah is too good for me.

   "Isaiah-" I start.

   Isaiah abruptly shoots up from the couch. His tall frame towers over me. "I'm just going to go. If this is what you want then fine. I'm not going to give you into something you don't want to be in. Good bye," he starts for the door but I stop him before he can get too far.

   "This doesn't have to be good bye. We can still be friends." No we can't.

   "I don't just want to be your friend, Bria. But you don't want that. Good bye."

   This time I let him leave. I dont try to stop him there's nothing more I can say. There's no other option other than to let him go.