ASHLEY

42

   That's it. I can't take it anymore. I can't take any of it. I'm in over my head, sinking into a bottomless pit and I'm powerless to stop it. Everything is crashing in on me, bruising me. The bruises are internal and no one can see me plummeting. No. I have to put on a brave face and tell everyone I'm okay. That's what you're suppose to do, right? Tell everyone around you that you're fine, that everything is going to be okay when in reality nothing is okay.

   It's kind of like when someone close to you die. People run around like chickens with they're heads cut off to try to distract you from the pain because no one is suppose to admit that they're sad. They tell you your loved one is in a better place and that they have gone up to heaven. No one dies and goes to heaven. When someone die their soul goes to rest and they wait for the coming back of Jesus Christ.

   Everyone knows that. Everyone. And yet, for some reason they keep telling those sad and broken people that their loved one has gone up to heaven.

   People will tell you anything but the truth if it means they earn the reward of your trust and they look good and you're not sad on the outside. Its cruel. Down right cruel.

   I curl up into a fetal position on the soft purple material. World outside my room just seems all too surreal. Nothing is real outside of this place. The world is filled with unwanted truths and heartache.

   It should be the other way around, right? I dumped him. I'm the one that broke his heart so why does mine feel like it's been ripped out and stomped on? Letting him go seemed like the best thing at the time. I was hurting him in more ways than he could have known. I couldn't even tell him about having sex with Kenneth. He already crushed. No sense in making it worse.

   Kenneth stopped texting me says ago. He finally got the hint. Looking at him every day is like an ongoing reminder of the stupid and impulsive decision I made. Surely I'm not actually attracted to Kenneth like that. I can't be. We use to be best friends. He was like family. You don't grow feelings like that for family.

   I messed up so bad. I always mess up because I fail to consider the consequences and how my actions could affect someone else.

   The insistent racking at my door pulls me from my thoughts. My eyes linger over the white rectangle as if willing the person on the other side to go away and leave me to my drowing. "Bria, it's me. Can you open the door?" Kayla's voice sounds on the other side. I squeeze my eyes shut as if that would make her disappear. "Bria if you don't open this door I will pay somebody to knock it down. Wouldn't want that so just open the door."

   "I'm not leaving," she says with a huff when I don't respond. Clearly she isn't getting that I want to be alone. I can't get mad at her for being such a good friend. She cares and wants to know what's going on. I haven't told anyone about the breakup but Angela was quick to figure it out, especially since she knows I cheated on him.

   I crawl out from unsee the covers and move to answer the door. "What?" I ask in a groggy voice.

   "Don't what me." Kayla push the door open further and charge into my room. She plops down on the bed.

   "At least it doesn't stink in here," she comments.

   I roll my eyes. "Kayla I really just want some time to myself right now-"

   "You had time. You don't need more. What you need is to get out of this house. Its starting to feel a bit," she pause searching for the right word, "stuffy," she finish.

   "It feels comfy in here."

   "No. You don't need comfy. What you need is to come out with me and the girls tonight. We miss you babe."

   "I can't." I would much rather stay at home and sulk all by myself. The world out there is cruel and I'm not sure I can keep dealing with it.

   Kayla doesn't seem to be taking no for an answer. She wants me to get out of the house and put on a brave face like I'm really happy and enjoying myself. See, that's what I mean by people always wanting you to cover up your true emotions. A night out won't uplift my spirit. If it could that would be great but, no. "I dont even have anything nice to wear out." I grumble.

   A smile forms on her glossy lips and she reach down to pick up a bag I hadn't realized was there before. "I got it covered. The outfit I picked out is so cute yet not too dramatic for you. Go try it on."

   "I didn't even say I was going."

   "You didn't say you weren't. Now go get dress," Kayla responds in a sing-song voice. She hands the bag over and claps her hands together. I'm curious to see what Kayla picked out for me. I trust it's something very stylish. Kayla knows her stuff when it comes to high fashion. She should be a designer or a stylist. Yeah, a stylist would fit her so well. She could play dress up every day with other people.

   I rub my forehead with unnecessary force. I can already feel a headache forming. Ugh, I would much rather stay in bed but unfortunately it's become clear that Kayla isn't giving me that option. "Fine. Just let me go shower."

   After a long, soothing shower I'm dressed in the outfit Kayla picked out for me. All black like my darkened mood. At least she understood that part. Kayla is dressed in a contrasting outfit. She looks good and...happy.

   I wish I didn't have to put on this smile. I wish it would just come to me and that I would feel better. Guess we don't get everything we want out of life.

   We pull up to 'The Strip' and I can feel my stomach drop to my toes. A crowd of people line the walls and they look excited to go in. For some of them this is their first time going clubbing. I can assure them it's not all its cracked up to be. We get out the car and head straight for the door. After a quick pay down and some groans of protest from people waiting in line we enter the club. I guess now is the time to put on that happy face I'm so good at.