Catboy

11

"Go away?" Arin asked, tilting his head to the side. "You mean go up north or something?"

"Yeah," Julian replied. He was standing just outside the door connecting the two apartments. Normally, he avoided Arin's place like the plague, but he was the only one with a car, and that meant that Julian needed his permission to go away. "For a weekend. Something like that. It'll be short," he promised. "It's kind of a going-away thing."

"Going away?"

So he doesn't know, then. 

"Uh, yeah. Lloyd's going to go train for a few months at another high school, over in Quebec," Julian lied. "I thought it might be a good idea for us to say goodbye." The words tasted bitter, the goodbye more finite than he would have liked it to be. "I was thinking of going up in two week's time- on the Friday morning, get back on the Sunday night."

"I'll probably be out. I'll be staying at my friend's place or something," Arin said, and Julian felt relief shoot through him. No need to convince him to stay away. Thank god.

"Yeah, that's- that's fine, don't worry about it," Julian told him. "Just, uh- can I borrow the car? We kind of need it to drive up."

There was a pause as Arin considered. Julian held his breath as he watched his brother, wondering if he had asked far too much.

Finally, Arin nodded, and Julian allowed himself to smile.

"Thank you," he said. "Thank you so much."

"No problem," Arin smiled, and, for the first time in weeks, he seemed to actually be nice. "Just make sure you don't fuck it up, 'cause you'll be paying the bills."

"Right. Won't fuck it up. Got it." Julian turned to leave, putting his hands back into the pockets of his hoodie. Before Arin could close the door, separating the two of them once again, he started to speak one last time. "And hey, thank you for taking care of Lloyd when I wasn't around."

He was surprised to find that there wasn't a speck of sarcasm in his voice. Arin seemed to notice it too, and stared at him in silent shock. Julian chose to acknowledge that with a small smile, and then left. He heard the door close behind him, and knew that he was alone in the apartment.

What the hell was that?

"'Thank you for taking care of him?' Like hell," he muttered to himself. "Why did I say that? It's not like anything bad's going to happen." Another thought rested in the back of his mind, unspoken, worrying.

And even if bad things did happen, it's not up to me to say Lloyd's goodbyes.

"Fuck," he whispered through gritted teeth as tears sprang to his eyes. "Stop trying to make everything the worst-case scenario. He'll be perfectly fine."

What if he gets sick?

"Stop."

What if he gets hurt?

"Stop."

What if he dies?

"Stop!"

"Stop what?" he heard, and spun around to see Lloyd standing behind him. "You okay there?" Lloyd's face was riddled with concern, and he reached out to try and touch Julian's shoulder. Julian flinched away, and he withdrew his hand in an instant. "Shit, man, what's wrong?"

"It's nothing," Julian said, his mind finally starting to clear. He could feel the usual fast heartbeat starting to return to him, staring down at the other boy. "I'm just tired."

"You sure about that?" Lloyd reached a hand out again, and, this time, Julian let him pull him into a hug. He could feel how fast Julian's heart was beating, hammering away at his chest. 

Can he feel my heartbeat? 

I sure hope not.

Because, although Julian couldn't quite feel it, Lloyd's was going just as fast, and he was fighting to stay calm. Someone or something had hurt Julian, and Lloyd was going to make them- it- pay. 

But first, he was going to get Julian to calm down. He pulled away ever so slightly, leaving his arms wrapped around Julian's waist but leaving himself room to look up at him. Their faces were close together. This is like that time in the locker room.

Lloyd tried to look away, tried to clear his throat, but he couldn't move and no sound came out. He tried to think of what he should say next, but nothing came to him. All he could see was bright yellow-orange eyes, grey hair and a mass of scarring.

Scars. Right. Scars.

Julian was leaning in, ever so slightly, slowly getting closer and closer. Part of Lloyd wanted nothing more than to fall forward, kiss him, love him, forget that the world outside existed.

But he knew that that would only ever lead to heartbreak. He would be in hospital soon, sick, dying, dead. He didn't know exactly how serious the infection was, but he didn't want to find out. 

And he didn't want to drag Julian into that. If he was going to die, he would be leaving Julian behind, a cruel and unfair punishment. He would leave behind a world of sadness, and it would never, ever be worth a few stolen kisses here and there. Waking up to someone else, sitting on the kitchen bench and watching them make coffee- it would never be worth tears, or funerals, or 'sorry for your loss'. It would never be worth anything. It would never be worth everything.

All the love in the world would never be worth death.

So he took a deep breath, cleared his throat, and pushed Julian away.

He instantly saw the hurt in the taller boy's eyes, but he tried to ignore it, tried to forget about it. It wouldn't matter in a few months anyway- he would either die, or Julian would move on with someone else. Even though every bone in his body was screaming, yelling about how unfair it all was, Lloyd knew he deserved it in the end.

It wasn't like he pretended that he was innocent, that he was friendly and always right. He knew what he was doing when he let himself into Arin's room at night. He knew exactly what he was doing when he pretended to be upset over Arin's new girlfriend, even though he couldn't bring himself to care at all. He knew exactly what he was doing when he forced Julian away, even though he wanted nothing more than to hold him down and kiss him until his legs were weak and his heart beating in his throat. 

But these things were fair, in his world. These things were what he had deserved, and so he had made them for himself.

Julian, on the other hand, had deserved nothing. Not the scars that covered his face, not the family issues, not the years of torture and pain he had had from his mother. He didn't deserve any of that. 

And yet, he still got it.

"You want a coffee?" Julian asked, breaking Lloyd out of his reverie. He gave a small nod, muttered a thank you. Julian left, and Lloyd watched him go, trying to get himself to calm down, to hide the heavy sadness gripping his heart.

"Oh," Julian called from the kitchen. "You need to pack your bags. We're going away in two weeks."

Lloyd instantly perked up. "What?" he yelled, trying to make sure the other boy could hear him.

"We're going away for a few days," Julian shouted back at him.

"Why?"

"To say goodbye, of course," Julian replied, and Lloyd felt his heart sink.

So that's all it is. A goodbye.

Of course. 

"You okay?" Julian walked back into the lounge room, holding two mugs of coffee in his hands. Lloyd took his, gave a small smile. "What's wrong?"

"... Nothing," Lloyd replied after a moment. "I'm sorry, I'm just... I'm just tired."