Mistake ♦ Romitri

Chapter 31

Dimitri and I were wrapped within another silence. It was deafening. It felt as if it was pounding us like hammers. There was no reason for the silence apart from that tint of uneasiness between us. There was a rope between us, dragging us together, yet it burned any time we moved. So, we stopped moving. We, once again, stopped trying.

But, the avoidance stopped and the rude words were silenced. I was just waiting for the day when Tasha would leave if that day were ever to come. Tasha was the only obstacle left. Without her, the rope would stop burning me, my words would no longer feel like fire and I could...I wasn't sure anymore. I couldn't return to myself- 'myself' was a rude, abrasive, head-strong girl with a deep-rooted attitude. I wanted to become something else yet I didn't want to lose me in the process. It was all so complicated.

That was where the silence originated, to avoid complication. Silence can cure many things, just as much as words but at the end of either comes the other. At the end of silence comes words, words much worse than if you were to talk first. Or, you talk and then you let the silence fall- that silence is more deafening that any silence that could have been had before.

It was cry or sob, now. There were no smiles. Those moments of hope were just another fracture in the ice that sending me deeper into the hole of despair. That's why, when another week rolled by, I asked to return to the therapist. If only once, I wanted to tell someone...something. I didn't care what it was, I just wanted to say something.

Dimitri agreed without hesitation and the next day, we were driving on that familiar road to the plain-featured office block that held the therapist's office inside. I almost ran out of the car as if to escape the suffocation I felt inside the metal box and took deep breaths. I had never been carsick before and I felt as if it wasn't sickness that was the problem.

I glanced at Dimitri, whose face was not unlike mine. We were suffocation each other, plain and simple. We had finally made up yet something was still in our way. Something that we couldn't get over. It felt like there was a secret laid before us and neither would fess up. Something was stopping us from trusting each other. Maybe that was Tasha, maybe it was just me, maybe it was my mental state. It all felt too much.

I rushed into the waiting room, not wanting to wait any longer than I had to. I had personally requested my previous therapist, Alberta Petrov. She was kind and wasn't as blunt as many of the teachers I had dealt with over the past month or so: she was the best, and only, choice I had.

When my name was called, Dimitri leant back in his seat. 'See you in half an hour.' He attempted a smile but it came across as no more than a grimace so I said nothing and rushed into the office, glancing down at the people below who were no bigger than ants.

I swung the door open and slammed it behind me, throwing myself in the same seat as last time. 'Hello, nice to see you-'

'I think I'm going to drink and I want help.' I interrupted, my words rushed, haste and hard to comprehend.

'Wow, that was...' Alberta shook her head and smiled. 'Talk to me, then.' I nodded and began to speak. I got everything out yet something had to hold me back. Every time it was Dimitri, Dimitri, Dimitri. But, I could never tell her the problem. Jealousy? I couldn't have that for a father-figure. Sadness? What reason did I have to be sad if it weren't for him being in a relationship with another woman?

None of my problems could be fixed without just saying it. But, it was illegal and she worked under the government. I couldn't say a word. 'Rose, I want you to tell me what's really going on.' I can't. 'Please, Rose.' I shook my head, throwing my gaze to the floor.

'Rose, I can't help you-'

'I can't tell you! Okay?' I shouted. I was sure the whole floor had heard it, Dimitri included. Alberta sighed.

'Another time you are going to tell me because, otherwise, this will just keep on going. I can't help until I find the source and you are refusing to tell me despite knowing what it is. This is up to you now, Rose. I can't do anything more without your help.' I nodded hesitantly.

'Maybe next time.' I agreed and stood from my chair, my legs trembling. I could barely hold my weight but I made it outside in time to fall into a seat and calm my shaking body. It was all on me now. This was my problem to fix but I didn't know how. How do you solve jealousy?

I looked up and scanned the room and what I saw only made it worse. A peck on the cheek and a few flirtatious words and I was ready to throw a punch. Tasha was here. Alberta must have notified her but it was clear that she hadn't come for me.

She was practically on Dimitri, nevermind waiting for me. I stood, the shaking now gone and replaced only with a tremendous anger. 'I'll be waiting in the car.' I spat, flinging my hair over my shoulder and pacing out of the building.

I couldn't believe it. Even the little bit that had just been solved was replaced with only worse thoughts.

I wanted a drink.

I wanted a drink.

I needed a drink.

I wanted to forget but what did I expect? It never made me forget. I believed it made me forget. It never did. It was just there to send me into delirium, a dream-like state where I could do what I want. It gave me freedom yet when it ended, it only trapped me in more.

I didn't know what to do. I was being closed in and soon I would be crushed.

word count: 1022

published: 06.04.17