One More Try

Chapter Eight ~ Where Did Your Heart Go?

(A Few Days After)

Even after a week the doctor still has me on this feeding tube. Although I haven't gained any weight. Which this proves it's not working and it's just my body fighting against whatever it's fighting against. The doctors are pretty shocked at this thing and how it's not working. They haven't figured out what else they can do. I don't see why they can't just give up on it. I'm just a hopeless patient. There's no point in saving me if I can't be saved. 

Today was like any other day. Dad had planned for us to eat and then go out. I didn't want to go out as usual. But as you figured I had no choice. Dad wasn't going to tell us where we were going either so it didn't help my anxiety. I mean I really shouldn't care where we are going because it really shouldn't matter. Dad wasn't going to tell me anyways so I had to figure it out for myself. 

Once I was finished getting dressed I decided to come downstairs. Dad looked at me funny. "What are you looking at dad?" "Just at my unhealthy child." I rolled my eyes and finished walking into the kitchen. "Dad I thought you said you'd stop saying that. It's not helping you know?" He smiled and ruffled my hair. "I know I just can't help it. You still look like a skeleton." I closed the fridge and gave him a dirty look. "And you look like an ass." Sam came into the kitchen in between our conversation. He was laughing once he had heard what I had said. "Don't get started you two. Try and have a stress free morning." "Fine I can try." Sam scoffed and moved me out of the way to get something in the fridge. "Dad I gained a pound." He looked over and nodded. "Dad do you even care?" He looked up from the newspaper. "Yeah I do. It's not like it's something that big. One pound, I'd rather it be the thirty four pounds you lost." I felt my heart sink. I thought he'd be proud. I guess not. He then slammed the newspaper down. "Why do you look like that for?" I stared for a moment and then answered. "Well I thought you'd be at least happy for me. But I guess not." He then threw the newspaper at me. "I never said I didn't care. I was stating I'd rather it be more than one. Let me get you some more feed and we can go out okay?" I nodded and smiled. 

Once I sat down dad came over and put more food into that weird thing I had to carry around. "Dad how much longer do I have to use this? I've kept my food down. So can't they take it out?" That sick feeling I knew all to well came back to me before dad answered my question. This food tube thing wasn't making it better it was making it worse. It wasn't just food that was pushed through this tube it was medicine too. So that could be a part of my nausea. I placed my hand onto dad's arm. "What's the matter sweetie?" "I'm gonna be sick. Dad I'm gonna be sick. I'm not feeling too well..." And that's when the vomiting began. I threw up all over dad's shoes and clothes. I then tried getting up. "Dad what's happening?" I was shaking like a leaf. "Sammy it's okay. I don't know what's happening. You're doing so good. How can this happen?" Dad fell down onto the ground with me. He seemed to be crying. "Daddy what's wrong?" He just held onto me. "They told me this may not work. It's clearly not working, and I don't know what to do." He started wiping tears with his shirt. "What do you mean dad? It's working quite fine. I just had a little set back. We're gonna be okay."  "Sam this time it's not going to be fine. You're not going to get any better. This is it." Sam then crouched down to our level. "Dean I'm gonna call the doctor and see if he can come in. You two need to clean yourselves up. Please do so." He patted dad's back. "Sam I want you to know that I love you and I'm sorry I couldn't help you." I looked at him funny. "Dad I'm not dying. You've helped me a lot. Dad why are you saying these things? I'll be okay." He shook his head. "No you're not. You're not going to be okay. You'll never be okay. This is the end Sammy. This is it." 

I then did the unthinkable. I smacked dad right across the face. That got his attention real quick. "Dad listen to me. You promised me one thing and that was to never give up on me. You haven't so far. I'm not going anywhere dad. You need to stop acting like I'm going to end up dead or already am. You promised me that one day I'd be okay. You just can't give up on me. I'm the only thing you have, and you can't just give up on me like that. I never gave up on you when you were in all your drunken episodes. I was there for you when you were in the hospital when you over drank yourself and almost died. I was there for you and never once lost hope. That's all I'm asking for dad. Is for you not to lose hope. There's still hope. I can't promise I'll get better. But I can try even more. I can try harder. Please dad just don't give up on me. I don't need this right now. I need you more than ever." I myself began to cry. "Please dad." He looked at me and tried to smile. "Sammy I know. I know I said I wouldn't give up on you. I know I said a lot of those things. Trust me I can never give up on you. You're the only reason I'm alive and I'm the only reason you're alive. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought giving up was the best thing to do. I'm sorry." I hugged him getting vomit all over myself too. "Sweetie you don't have to." "I have to." Then we heard footsteps coming towards us.