Polarized | Finn Hudson

Sitting In Silence

I lost count of how many times I puked in the plane bathroom from being so overwhelmed.

I walked back to the chairs and sat down in the same one that faced mom and dad. She looked at me in concern while he just was still dug into paperwork and his laptop. He had a game tonight and all he could do was stress over it. I kind of felt bad, so I'd try pitching in to help every once in a while, but apparently I just need to relax according to them both. We talked about everything under the moon to try and catch up, but we all knew we needed more time than the three hours we had on the plane.

The signal came on that we were about to land and I buckled my seat belt. "Luna honey you look like you're about puke again." I shuddered at the name and put on a smile. "Nope, I'm all good." I grinned. I looked out the window and let my smile fade as we landed on the bumpy track. "So, we were thinking of throwing a party for you." Mom smiled to me. "My birthday isn't for another two months." I chuckled as our luggage was being transported from under the plane to a black van. "No silly, for your return! It can be any theme you'd like and you can pick out anything to wear." Dad said enthusiastically. "But, who all will show up? I don't know anyone and I can't have any of my friends from Lima.." I frowned. "You'll make some! I'm inviting some other people I work with on the team and they have kids around your age." He tried comforting me. We escorted ourselves to the van and got in, then leaving the airport.

"You guys don't have to, really." Though it would be really nice to feel beautiful for a night, I don't want to get attached here. I have a life at home, Lima, not here. I will be grateful and thankful for what all they do for me these next five months, but I can't let them wrap ropes around me so I'm grounded here. All I want to do is go to my temporary home and talk to Finn. All I want to do is go home to my real one. All I want is this to all be a dream.

(Finn's POV)

I woke up with my skin imprinted with dried up tears. I wiped the drool from my mouth and found myself under about seven heavy blankets. I remember coming home in a raging mess and mom sat with me, and I guess I fell asleep trying to muffle my tears. I sat up and looked at the time. She should've landed by now, but I can't communicate with her until she gets her new phone turned on her parents had gifted her. I crawled out of bed, peed, then went down stairs to find mom was already off to work. I hate being alone, so I guess I'll just drive and find somewhere to go. I reached into the fridge and pulled out the orange juice carton that mom specifically bought for me since she hated how I just drank straight up out of every tthing we had that wasn't in a can or cup. I took a swig before grabbing my keys and throwing on the navy blue hoodie Camila had gotten me and walking out the door.

It was pouring down rain, so I quickly rushed into my truck and slammed the door. I turned it on and just let my feet and hands take me wherever. It was getting too quiet, so I went to go turn on the radio, but there was nothing there. I forgot that I had taken it out because I liked listening to Camila talk or sing to me rather than the radio. I stayed silent and put my attention back to the road in anger and sadness.

Finn: I ponder of something great, my lungs will fill and then deflate. They fill with fire, exhale desire. I know it's dire, my time today. I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought 'cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

Some body did steal my car radio. The beautiful thing that meant the world to me, that sang the sweetest tunes I've ever heard. Some body smashed it up into a million pieces and made sure I couldn't be there to fix it when it happened.

Finn: Sometimes quiet is violent. I find it hard to hide it my pride is no longer inside it's on my sleeve my skin will scream reminding me of who I killed inside my dream I hate this car that I'm driving there's no hiding for me. I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real. I could pull the steering wheel.

After about fiftneen minutes of driving, I pulled up to the abandoned factory on the far side of town and maneuvered my truck through the break in the huge fence and parked on the side so I wouldn't get caught.

Finn: I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought 'cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

I untarped my drums from my truck and start hauling each piece in. I had them fixed yesterday because they were starting to become loose, and I had no time to take them back into my house. I had no idea what the hell I was doing, nor did I know why I was doing it, but I needed to get used to that feeling for the next five months of just being lost. I sat down on my seat and listened to the rain pour on the tin roof, echoing throughout the creepy and empty grounds, some holes in the ceiling here and there.

Finn: I ponder of something terrifying, cause this time there's no sound to hide behind I find over the course of our human existence one thing consists of consistence and it's that we're all battling fear, oh dear, I don't know if we know why we're here oh my, too deep please stop thinking, I liked it better when my car had sound.

I picked my sticks up from off my lap and started playing nornally.

Finn: There are things we can do but from the things that work there are only two and from the two that we choose to do, peace will win, and fear will lose. There's faith and there's sleep, we need to pick one please because, faith is to be awake and to be awake is for us to think and for us to think is to be alive and I will try with every rhyme to come across like I am dying to let you know you need to try to think. I have these thoughts so often I ought to replace that slot with what I once bought 'cause somebody stole my car radio and now I just sit in silence.

I felt tears start pouring down my cheeks. I never would've imagined in years I'd be this heartbroken. My mind understands she'll be back, but my heart doesn't. She doesn't deserve to go through any of this, she's had enough. Camila is the gasoline that keeps me running. And if I don't have it, I can't do anything. I'm just a being. I looked up through my eyelashes and saw a loose piece of the roof shift and rain started pouring in on me. I let out a ball of rage and kept hitting my bass pedal. I watched the rain splash on the pads as my pity turned to anger.

I started kicking the bass harder and then, I let all of my emotions out. I started beating hard on every pad and the cymbals. The lights that were built in started malfunctioning because they were getting wet and started blinking fast. I thrashed my body around and clenched my teeth together until they were about to break. My breathing picked up and more tears poured down my face. I went until I felt my hand go straight through the snare drum with my stick and I hit the metal stand. My lights were soaked and destroyed, and my sticks were about to snap. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath to myself. I can't let myself get out of control. She'll be back Finn.

.....I at least hope she will......