Acoustic Memories

|| on fireworks, gunshots and russian concentration camps : a rant ||

okay. let me just start off by saying that i'm a very big believer of positive thinking and optimism. i believe that everyone should see the best in everyone else and i believe we shouldn't complicate our lives. i believe we should be kind and everyone deserves a second chance. i believe no one is born a murderer and mistakes should be forgiven, alright?

but let me tell you a small story. this evening around three hours ago i was watching a live stream and we heard a loud sound. the girl was distraught and casually said she said, either that was a gunshot or fireworks. i'm hoping it's the latter. and we all were like, what? so she checked the window and she was like, there aren't any fireworks, but i should probably get away from the window. that'd be better. and after a while since she was pretty much very scared, the stream cut off.

and when this happened, i thought about the concentration camps in chechenya . and then i thought about this secret that i got for the sub rosa series a few days ago, and i still haven't written that poem. i can't do justice to it yet. sometimes i feel really glad that i'm not in the midst of all this. and then i feel bad that i'm relieved. and i go mad and actually have the audacity to feel helpless for not being able to help people. and i thought, maybe if given a chance, would i actually end those who cause so much pain and suffering? i thought, yes. yes i would.

and then i remembered. this one time in class we were discussing the invisible man by hg wells and when our teacher asked us if the end was justified, whether griffin deserved to die or not, i was the only one of an entire class who said no. i said, no, sir, i don't think anyone deserves to die. and he laughed.

he then asked me, what do you think should be the appropriate punishment for rapists? do you think they should be given death sentences? and i thought, sitting in that class so long ago, no. i dont think so. they should be given another chance. because my little stupid brain was actually so.. incompetent as to actually grasp the idea that people could be bad. intentionally, unreasonably bad.

but now when i think about it, if i was placed in contact with the head of the chechnya project, or even with a rapist who had plans to rape more people and destroy more lives, i think, maybe yes. maybe i would pick up the goddamn gun and shoot the goddamn person. (of course i would shoot myself afterward, i dont have it in me to live with the guilt of a murder,) but-

what makes me different from them, then? we both are ready and willing to kill for what we believe in.

i don't know. i really don't know.

this was written long ago and i didn't realise i hadn't posted it yet sorry