The Light of Heaven

Chapter 3

After a few minutes of seeking, Clary found Jace in the rose garden. It reminded her of the first time they had kissed, in the greenhouse. Afterwards, they had hurt each other badly, by dismissing their love. They both knew they were lying, but Clary guessed they just realized it when it was too late. It was too late to fall in love, as they were brother and sister. She hated the period in which they were denying each other, and she hated not looking at him every second of her life. But she had to. Besides, she didn't want to hurt Simon either, who had been in love with her since she was six. It all became worse when Jace found out Clary's real brother was injected with demon blood. He wasn't that brother, but back then they both thought he was. When they had finally realized they weren't brother and sister, it was already too late: Valentine had murdered Jace. It all started there, even though it sounds more like it ended there. The Angel made Jace alive again, but then everything went wrong. Jace was controlled by Lilith, a demon, and when she died Clary's brother: Jonathan, whom they called Sebastian, as Jonathan was Jace's name, and they didn't want Sebastian to have the same. When this big problem was finally solved, Jace was literally too hot to be dating, as his body was full of Heavenly Fire. And now, when they finally could be together, Clary ruined everything.

"Jace," she started hoarsely. "I'm sorry. It - it wasn't fair to say those things to you, and - I'm sorry." Jace looked up at her. Part of her wanted him to kiss her, but the other part wanted him to say something back.

"Clary," Jace said, and from his voice Clary could tell he really was disappointed. Now she'd rather want him to scream, or use his words as weapons as he'd done ten years ago when they had kissed for the first time. "It's not that I wouldn't die for you, but it's just-"

"No Jace, please, I didn't mean it like that," she cried.

"I would die for you the way Jocelyn did, but-"

"I don't want you to die for me!" she yelled. Not because she was angry with him, but because she hated herself right now. "I don't want anyone to die for me, but everyone does, e-very-one does." She didn't notice Jace walking toward her, but when she felt his warm arms around her, she fell into them, and started crying louder. Tears were streaming down her cheeks.

"That doesn't make it your fault, does it?" Jace whispered. Clary could answer, and wanted to answer, but couldn't stop herself from crying. Besides, she didn't really want Jace's arms to let her go. With his thumbs, Jace swept the tears out of her face. Clary felt like she had to say something, but didn't know what. Therefore, she just hid herself in Jace's shirt again, which smelled like soap. It had always smelled like soap, and Clary couldn't remember him smelling differently.

"It wasn't my fault then, maybe," she said softly, especially the 'maybe' so that Jace wouldn't protest. "But it feels like, because she did it for me."

"And Shawn," Jace added, but only to make Clary feel like it wasn't only for her. "And you don't blame Shawn do you?"

"How could I possibly do that?" Clary asked in disbelief. "It was my mother's choice to save him, how could I then-" Clary didn't even finish her sentence. It sounded ridiculous, and she knew. Why would she blame herself, but deny Shawn has the blame then too? She looked up at Jace and found him grinning at her. He didn't say so, but she could feel the words on his lips. I told you so. To make sure he wouldn't say these words, which she was violently denying, she leaned into him and kissed him. She could taste the salt, and smelled the roses from the rose garden. It felt like the whole world faded, and like only they existed. This was how it always felt, and always would feel. It wouldn't change, it was just the way it was. A soft laugh came from somewhere in the garden, but Clary and Jace hardly noticed. The footsteps came closer, but still seemed to be careful, as if it didn't want to disturb them. Just like the first time, Jace pushed Clary away from him soft and carefully.

"I think we got a visitor," he whispered, and Clary looked away. She saw Imogen stand a few feet away from them, her hand covering her mouth. Her red-golden hair was curled a little, and made her look very cute. Then she giggled.

"Mommy and daddy are alright again?" she asked. Clary looked up at Jace and smiled.

"We're better than alright."