ANXIETY (𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘺)

Chapter 5

Status: edited

Pony's P.o.V.

I waited all day for Johnny to come back. But he never did.

I felt terrible! I didn't want to do anything. All day, I just stared out the window, praying I'd see a familiar blue jean jacket walking up the road towards my house.

Unfortunately, I never did.

Soda basically had to pry me away from that stupid window once it was time for dinner.

"What's the matter Pony?" he asked.

I just shrugged. "I'm fine."

He gave me a skeptical look, as he handed me a plate. Darry had to work and wouldn't be back until later.

"Okay..." we both made our plates and sat down. "Listen, I'm gonna have to leave after I eat. I'm picking Sandy up and taking her out to dinner."

I nodded, and sighed at how lovestruck my older brother seemed to be. Sandy was his girlfriend who he'd been with for forever. I wished that I could experience something like it. "Are you in love with Sandy?"

Soda didn't have time to answer because at that moment, Steve walked in.

"Hey Soda!" He grinned, but his smile faltered when he looked at me.

I quickly pushed away my food, afraid that he'd think I was fat for eating it. I looked down, staying quiet.

Keeping my mouth shut is one of the only reasons why the gang accepts me. They'll always accept you, but you'll never really be their friend.

I slowly stood up and backed away, ashamed because I knew I had to be embarrassing Soda.

"I'm gonna go to my room." I whispered.

Soda and Steve were already headed out. "Okay, I'll be home soon. We'll talk later!" Soda called and left.

As soon as I got to my room I walked over to the window and stared out, letting the tears slip.

I'm such a screw up. I wish I was never born, everyone else's life sure would be easier. Soda and Darry wouldn't have to keep wasting money on me, Steve, Two-bit, and Dally wouldn't have to keep pretending to like me for my brothers sake, and Johnny...Johnny would never have to deal with me and my depression again.

I was just a burden to him and to everybody else I know.

I looked out the window as the last drops of daylight faded away, and then sank to the floor.

Usually, I love watching sunsets. They calm me and make me remember that everything has a new beginning.

But right now, it just told me that Johnny was still angry with me. He hadn't shown up all day, and I really missed him.

I let out all of my emotions with a mixture of sobs, screams, and whimpers.

I was sick, and wanted to end it all. They'd be sad for a little bit, but in a month they would get over it and things would be better for them.

A world without Ponyboy Curtis had to be better.

I shakily stood up and walked to the bathroom, opening up the cabinet. Hidden in the corner, was my old razor blade.

I slowly picked it up and teasingly ran it across my already scarred up forearm. Almost hesitantly, I pushed it down harder into my skin and slid it across.