ANXIETY (𝘫𝘰𝘩𝘯𝘯𝘺𝘣𝘰𝘺)

Chapter 7

Status: edited

Pony's P.o.V.

I don't know why I did it.

I don't know why I kissed Johnny. It had just been on my mind, with him being so close to me.

I wanted to try it, mainly to prove that the feeling I had was nothing.

But it wasn't nothing.

As soon as our lips connected, my stomach turned a thousand flips and my head started spinning. I got this overwhelming urge to pull him closer to me.

I had never felt that way before, and I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to kiss him again.

But I couldn't.

Halfway through the kiss I realized that Johnny had mentioned that he was in love. It sure as hell wasn't with me, so I quickly pulled away, and told him it was a mistake.

That voice in my head began to grow very loud.

He's only kissing you because he feels bad! It shouted over, and over, and over again.

So I told him I didn't like it. I mean, I actually didn't like it...I think...

Being queer is wrong. My body probably only reacted that way because I had never kissed anyone before.

Yeah, that's it. Just hormones.

I swear though, I'll never deserve Johnny. Never have, never will.

Even after what happened, he still continued to be my friend. His note proved it.

I smiled while reading it, and then safely tucked it into the can with the other three.

Johnny's notes were the only thing That could make me smile.

I put the can back under my bed and walked downstairs, seeing the entire gang in the living room.

"Hey Ponyboy!" Two-bit yelled loudly. "Nice bedhead." Everyone else laughed at that while I looked down and dug my foot into the carpet.

I tried to smooth out my hair as best I could. This is what happens when you're ugly. You get made fun of.

I frowned and sat down on the floor, far away from Johnny. I still didn't know how to feel.

I liked the kiss, but did I like him?

It's possible that I only felt that way because I had never kissed anyone before. That seems like the most logical reason.

I mean, I didn't think I was gay, but...

Soda sighed and stood up. "I oughta go get dressed for work."

I stood up and quickly followed him, prepared to ask him about my feelings. I wouldn't say that they were about Johnny of course.

"Hey Soda, can I ask you something?" We had just walked into our bedroom.

He seemed surprised that I was talking to him, but seemed to quickly shake it off.