Synesthesia [Woozi+Hoshi]

+43

I woke up, and it didn't take long to figure out, unless I had a really detailed dream and somehow it was a coincidence that Soonyoung was now holding me close to him and stroking my hair, laying with me, I had kissed Him.

He'd been the one that was gentle, that made me feel so.... 

Damn you, Soonyoung.

He was staring at me. He knew I was awake, he must have known that if I knew he was the one that had kissed me, my beating the shit out of him wasn't far off, but he just stared at me, his hand absently stroking through my hair.

"Does it hurt?" Soonyoung asked, his voice a deep dark green.

I frowned, not knowing what the hell he was talking about, him stroking my hair, as much as I hated to admit it, felt good, there was no pain from that.

"What you go through, is it really that bad? When you think about life, does it seem empty?" Soonyoung stroked my hair softly, "Does it hurt enough that you changed your mind?"

I looked at him, still perplexed by what he could possibly mean by all that, and not sure how to answer.

Soonyoung sighed, "I thought I was disgusting to you...a faggot, why did you kiss me back...?"

His eyes were glossy with tears, I could see it now, the shine to his eyes, the welling of tears, and it sounded like screeching in my head.

My immediate reaction was to ask questions back, "Well, why did you kiss me?" And I immediately regretted asking the question.

"Because I love you, okay?!" Soonyoung retorted, his voice strained and breaking with tears, "I've told you how many times, I love you, I care about you!! I act brave and like it doesn't matter much to me, but the reality is...it hurts a lot..." he paused, "it hurts so much to love you and know you don't love me back.... but...." He looked away, swallowing hard, "I can't help it so it just hurts....and I don't know if its just me... o-or..."

Soonyoung couldn't finish, his voice breaking and the water in his eyes finally pouring out. And it wasn't a softy dignified cry, it was loud, and ugly and sad, and hard to watch.

My eyes could see mixes of colors, all sorts of things the sound of him crying making me see, the things I heard with the sight of it was discordant and impossible to understand as any one sound, all of it just didn't make sense in my mind, it all just confused me.

There were so many different emotions in the tears, so many different feelings and emotion...

What have I done....

"Soonyoung....?" I tried, hardly getting his attention at all, he was crying so hard, so I touched his shoulder, but he just edged away.

He looked so sad....so vulnerable and soft, his cheeks now wet with tears and his eyes going puffy and red more than probably by the end of this.

I felt sorry....i felt horrible....I felt like I messed him up once again when we had just started to sort of get along again. Because I'm unlovable, because I'm impossible, because I have a disease that deludes my senses.

Suddenly Soonyoung threw a ring of keys at me, and I looked up in time to catch them, looking at them, "My House keys....." I didn't think to be angry for once, I was just dumbstruck.

I heard Soonyoung shuffle and I look up to find him backing further away, "I thought....." He started, sniffling a lot, his voice a gray-blue, "I thought if I could have one night....just one night.....that I'd be able to....able to deal with it.....the fact that we were just going to be friends and that's it...." Soonyoung turned and faced away, putting his hands on his desk and sighing deeply, trying to gain himself again, voice breaking, "Part of me wanted to think maybe I could convince you I'm not all that bad...."

I didn't think of him bad, at least not that bad.... but I looked down anyway, knowing I probably did go too far, my inexperience with anything but a soundboard hadn't gotten me compassion exactly.

"Part of me wished you'd decide you loved me back..." Soonyoung sighed, "You seem to sometimes, but we both know you won't let that happen...."

He wasn't wrong, and that hurt me a bit.....hearing the truth. As many problems as I had, i considered relationships just as bothersome. For me it took total trust. It didn't take much for me to panic, and i didn't believe anyone

Soonyoung turned around and faced me, smiling sadly and shaking like he was hurting, "So answer me, is it hard? Does it hurt? To live like you? Does it hurt so much every once in a while you toss me some false sense of hope that we might be together to amuse you and lighten the pain? Am I a gay little toy you can keep throwing a ball and watching run around excited only to find you never intended on actually giving me anything??"

He was getting angry, but his voice looked the same to me.

He cried in front of him for a while, obviously wanting to say something, but unable to, his mouth opening and closing while he closed his eyes tight and cried.

"I love you...." Soonyoung finally got out, "I adore you...I l-love you.....I c-care for y-you s-so m-much...!!" He said before falling and kneeling on the floor, his hands trying to hide his crying face, or just trying to shield himself from me, I couldn't tell.

"But what If I love you too...."

---

a/n:

yeah, I'm just gonna leave it there for a second IT'S AN UPDATE THO SO I MEAN

but seriously you guys, lately I have been focusing on ignite, just because I haven't looked at my works in (in some cases) MONTHSS 

Yes, I know that is a long time, you guys but my life has gotten the busiest it has in a long time and the most stressful, and real life has to come first you know? I'm working through this with my mom (who is the best, no liiie) and she's helping me stress less so like, this is why updates are possible, 

THANK MY MOM YOU GUYS!!!

~neri~