The Journal of a Young Trans Boy

April 26, 2017

I have no idea what I'm doing anymore. My grades are going down the drain. I'm unmotivated, unproductive, and exhausted. All I do is sleep. Like, way more than normal. Out of the 24 hour day, I probably sleep 17-18 hours, and it would be more if I didn't have school (some days, it is more. I sleep in math class).

I contemplate death so much, it's become a nuisance. I get vivid day dreams of different ways I could die in my immediate situation all the time, and when I think about it, I honestly wouldn't mind.

My therapist doesn't know why I go to her. She thinks it's just some mild dysphoria associated with being trans, but it's so much more than that. I just don't know how to talk about it. It's not like I'm depressed or something. I don't need any medication. I just don't have good days anymore.

I constantly feel worthless and unwanted. My motivation is down the drain; people just don't notice because my grades are pretty much effortless. I'm constantly exhausted and fatigued. I think about death and suffering way too much; it's always on my mind, and I welcome it openly. I wouldn't care if someone or something killed me today. I would finally be free from all this shit in my life. I just don't have the motivation to kill myself, or the guts, probably.

On top of all that, I have panic attacks all the time. They're completely unexpected and aren't even caused by anything! They just happen. My heart rate will start to accelerate and my vision will blur, and then my breath becomes shallow and I know what's coming. It's like a feeling of imminent death that cripples me and keeps me from going about my life like a normal person, but I'm not even afraid of death. I'm just afraid of the next time I have a panic attack, which could happen at literally any moment. I've only had them in school like three or four times, thank God. Most of the time, they happen at home, but that's just because I never go anywhere else. I had one at my school play a few months ago. I also had one at homecoming last September or October that my psychology teacher helped me deal with.

I honestly don't know what to do. They aren't even significant, really. They only last a few minutes, like twenty minutes tops (and those are the really bad ones). I used to think it was caused by the anxiety I feel from not passing as male and being perceived as female by others, but they happen so randomly that I honestly don't think that's the case.

I want to talk to my therapist about them, and the depressive thoughts, but I'm afraid she'll just throw medication at me. I don't want to take pills, especially not addictive ones.