Flip the switch (VD)

The hardest goodbye {2}

Zara's POV:

So, after going round town, very carefully by the way, I managed to get a job at one of the clothes stores, bump into Matt who instantly forgave me without second thought and spoke about how excited and happy he was that I was back. Me and Matt were never overly close but I still care about him and couldn't be happier that he's forgiven me so easily. I had that weird dèjá vu thing again though, not long after leaving Matt. But overall I think it's been quite productive. I'll have to enroll properly into school tomorrow as it's closed today.

It's now 5 o'clock and Bon mentioned that Elena should be home at 4, I've been sitting in my car down her road for 45 minutes. I'm just too scared to go in there. I'm too scared to face her. To hear the harsh words that may or may not fall from her mouth with ease. Too afraid of her looking at me like, like I'm a monster. The way people looked at him. I'm not prepared for that. He's a real life monster, like the kind you hear about in old tales or the kind of thing you'd tell your friends and siblings about in attempts to scare them. He's the closest thing we, on earth, have to a monster.

After I finally pluck up the courage to get out of my car and, slowly, walk over to the Gilbert house. Once stood outside the door, I froze. Unable to knock. Almost like my whole body became paralysed in an instant. Come on. Just knock. That worst thing that can happen is she closes the door on you. I'm right, I normally am so no surprise there. I knock then take a short step back ready for the impact of the door. I stand for a second, then another, then another, then begin getting clammy hands and a dry throat. I hear the door start to open as I stand there not knowing how to react when the door finally is fully open. Once it is, I see a much too familiar face. She looks exactly the same. She looks just as stunned as I feel. We're silent for a moment, just staring at each other. I decide to try and break the silence. However my brain doesn't get the 'play it cool' memo.

"Elena. I'm so sorry. No. More then that. I'm disgusted with myself. I shouldn't have left the way I did without even saying a word to you, I mean you needed me and I left without a goodbye and I was so selfish and horrid and was too busy thinking about myself. Elena-" I'm cut off short as I get pulled into an embrace. This is not what I was expecting. I didn't realise I was crying until I let out a quite sob into her neck, then realise she does the same. "Elena I love you so much. I missed you."

"I missed you too Zee. More then you realise." This makes my sobs louder as I cling on to her as she does the same.

"I'll never leave again, I swear." I feel her nod as we simply hold each other for a while. I felt like we were children once again. Children who yelled out of rage due to a fight about who gets to play with a certain toy. Children who are so fragile in this moment that if it was pictured, neither would be able to look at it without feeling how I feel right now. Even after years. The feelings are so raw, so real, nothing could take the love we have away. Our friendship is stronger then this. And I'm glad. Glad I have my Gilbert and I'm not letting her be alone ever again.

"Come on. Let's go inside and get out of the cold." I nod at her as we walk inside, sniffing and probably looking like a mess. The house is the same. Everything in place. Everything so clean. Jenna must've took her new role with ease. We go into the kitchen as she makes us both a hot chocolate with the little marshmallows that always get stuck to my lip. We drink. We talk. It was good. Until she asked. "Zara, why did you leave?" I look down at my nearly empty mug.

"Elena, its complicated-"

"No. Don't give me that. I know complicated. I LIVE complicated. I can deal with complicated Zara." Her words sound harsh for the first time. "I needed you. I needed you here. Zara you never even shot me a text or gave me a call you just left! Like what the hell? My parents died you knew how much pain I was in so what do you do, you leave me. Not only that. but I was that last to know you were going and, may I add, I didn't even know till you were actually gone. Explain that to me Zara because I want to act like everything's okay but what if its not?" Wow. I cant say that her out burst shocked me, but I wasn't expecting it all at once ya know?

"Elena, I'm so sorry. I know I don't deserved to be forgiven, but please try to understand. " I try to think of a way I can describe my situation without describing it at all. I would normally try and lie my way out of the situation but I've never been very good at lying to the people I care for. "Have you ever been told someone else's secret, that includes you so much, that it's almost your secret too, but not enough to be given the right to go and tell the world?" She goes quite and looks into her mug and nods. "Elena, this is not my secret to tell, not fully at least. Trust me I want to tell you so bad, I want to just be able to tell anyone and everyone. I wish it was just about me. But it isn't. If I tell you it could be dangerous." To this she laughs a little, as if my statement is ironic? She comes to sit next to me on the island in the middle of her kitchen.

"I understand. If you ever need to tell someone, or think you gain the right to tell someone. I'm here to listen. I just don't understand. Everyone else, they got goodbyes. The got something. You even texted Jer goodbye." I turn to look at her.

"You were to hardest goodbye. I tried. I tried so many times. It was killing me so much I had to get rid of my own phone cause I kept writing texts then deleting them, or hovering my thumb over your name but never brought myself to press the button." She smiles a little which is not true reaction I was expecting. Leaning my head on her shoulder I tell her how I really did miss her and told her I was sorry, again.

She leans her head on mine. "I know Zee. It's all okay now." Somehow she didn't seem fully confident in her own answer, but decided not to mention it and just stay in this blissful moment.