The Ambassador's Daughter

Chapter 35

Bucky found Louise, later that day, sitting on the bench by their tree. "It's good to see you out of bed." He said, sitting next to her. She leaned her head against his shoulder silently. She breathed deeply, savouring his smell mingled with the smell of the jungle and gardens around them. She enjoyed feeling his body next to her. She loved him deeply. She didn't want to leave. But she also loved her mother deeply and didn't want to leave her alone. She sighed deeply, her breath shaking as she struggled to make up her mind. "What's wrong?" Bucky asked, his voice had an edge of worry to it. As if he knew she had some news to share he wouldn't like.

Louise looked up at him and he saw her red eyes and splotchy face. Bucky knew she'd been crying. Recently, judging by how wet her lashes were and how red her eyes were. His jaw clenched, even as he put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer to him. "What's wrong?" He repeated.

"My mother wants to return to the United States." Louise said simply.

"Good," Bucky said gently, "She shouldn't stay here if she doesn't want to. Without her husband's job, she has no reason to stay."

Tears welled up in Louise's eyes again. "Bucky," She paused struggling to keep her composure. Just until I tell him! She begged herself, Keep it together until he knows! "Bucky, she wants to take me with her." The look of shock on Bucky's face was too much. Louise dissolved into tears again. Bucky pulled her close, stroking her hair and holding her tightly. He could feel her tears beginning to soak through his shirt. His mind was racing.

She couldn't go back to the United States! What did America hold for her that Wakanda didn't? The answer to that was obvious: Her family, her education. But Bucky wasn't in the mood to consider this revelation with a rational mind. He wanted to be selfish, to keep her here with him. To know that she was near and that she loved him. But then a little voice in the back of his mind, which sounded annoyingly like Steve, spoke up. If you love her you have to let her go.

Gritting his teeth and forcing himself to sound more upbeat than he felt, Bucky finally spoke. "You should go, Louise." Louise pulled back from him, her brow furrowed as if she couldn't figure out his angle.

"What?"

"You should go back with your mother." Bucky said again, hating how much the next words cost him. "She needs you." Louise gaped at him. This was not the reaction she had been expecting. She didn't really know what she had expected, but it certainly wasn't acceptance of the fact that she would be leaving him, probably forever. And definitely not encouragement.

"You know what this would mean, don't you?" She asked. "We'd probably never see each other again." She stood up and moved over to the tree, gently running her fingers over the scarred wood.

"Oh, I'm sure once she gets settled into her new life you could come back." Bucky said in an offhand sort of way. Louise whirled around not believing her ears.

"Have you met my mother?" She demanded. "Do thing there is even the slightest chance she will let me come back once she gets me on American soil? I know I'm nearly twenty-two, but that doesn't matter to my mother! I'm her only family now! She won't be letting me go anywhere!" Her dark brown, red-rimmed eyes flashed angrily. Why wasn't he taking this more seriously? Why was he just sitting there, siding with her mother? Suddenly, a thought struck her and she sagged against the tree. "Don't you love me?" He had told her he did. Not that long ago, either. She was completely confused. The Bucky she thought she'd known and the one she was now presented with where completely different. She didn't know what to think.

At her question, Bucky's heart constricted painfully in his chest. "What if your fiancé was here? Or your husband?" He suddenly burst out, lurching to his feet and taking her hands in his own. Louise blinked up at him.

"What?" She asked, looing slightly dazed.

"Marry me." Bucky replied.

"But you said-"

"I know. I was trying to be selfless. It doesn't really work for me." Bucky said, smiling shyly down at her. Louise blinked, trying to catch up. She was hopelessly confused now. Did he love her? Did he want her to leave? She pulled her hands away and rubbed her forehead. She felt the beginnings of a terrible headache coming on. "Marry me, Louise, then you can stay here and your mother will have nothing more to say about it."

Louise looked up at him and summoned all her strength. "No," Her voice barely louder than a whisper. Her heart broke at the look of hurt and confusion that flashed across his face.

"What?" He asked, hoping he'd heard her wrong. But really, how many affirmatives sound like 'no'?

"No," She repeated, her voice shaking, but stronger. "I will not marry you just so I don't have to leave. I love you too dearly to ever become the shackles that hold you back. If we got married just so my mother couldn't take me back to America with her, I know that someday you would look at me and see that shackle. And it will kill me. I won't do that. To either of us." Relief flooded through Bucky. She wasn't saying no because she didn't want to marry him. She was worried that he was proposing for the wrong reason. He could help her see the truth. Bucky took Louise's hand and led her back to the bench.

"That will never happen." Bucky assured her. He settled himself next to her, holding her hands in his lap. "Let me tell you why. When I was Hydra's puppet, I knew a life only of pain, guilt, anger, and hate. They took every memory of any other emotion from me. Every time I woke from cryo, I knew that more pain and guilt and anger. I dreaded going back, just as I dreaded waking up. It seemed no matter how hard I fought it, I was always too weak to stop them. Then, suddenly I was free. Natasha and Steve had toppled SHIELD and, along with it, Hydra. I was free to remind myself of other emotions. To be myself. And I hid until I couldn't hide anymore, until Vienna. All the emotions Hydra had cultivated in me came back, but I had Steve and he kept me safe. He brought me here and I chose to go back into cryo.

"Then, not so long ago, Steve woke me up. He told me there was this remarkable woman I had to meet. That she would be able to see me as even he couldn't see me. The War change us both so much. But Steve assured me that this woman would see through all the years to the man I really am. So, more out of curiosity than any real hope she could be all Steve said she was, I met her. And she was so different from anyone I'd met in a long time.

"Slowly I began to see myself as she saw me. I even began to feel a new emotion. I began to love her. To look forward to her visits and her company. She helped me see that not only had I been a victim, but I was still allowing myself to be one. But I could be more, I could be stronger than a handful of words. But then something terrible happened. Someone tried to take her from me, because of what I can do. And I knew that I would do whatever it took to get her back. And I did. But they hurt her, and tried to use her against me. But I had found something so much stronger than fear and guilt. I was not triggered. I knew, in that moment, that I would never be triggered again. And so I got her out. I made her safe.

"But now someone else wants to take her away from me. And I want her to be happy. If going back to her country with her mother will make her happy, then I want her to go. I want her to stay here with me. But I want her to be happy more. So here I am, offering her a choice." Bucky paused, and looked up into Louise's eyes. Her mouth was slightly open, as if this was all a revelation to her. "Louise, I really do want you to be happy. So I'm offering myself as an alternative. If it would make you happier to go with your mother, I will step back and let you go. But I love you more than I ever thought I would deserve to love someone. I want to marry you, for all you've done for me and all that you are. Will you marry me?" Bucky fell silent, looking at his lap again. Louise couldn't make her voice work. She opened and closed her mouth several times. Finally, she took Bucky's face in her hand, lifting his face to look at her face. She nodded.