We Just Are (GU #1.5)

19 : jasper

Hindi ako makapagsalita. Nakatulala lang ako kay Jasper, hindi makapaniwala na siya ang nasa harapan ko ngayon. I mean if I could not only feel the doorknob against my palm, I'd really think that this is a dream.

Pero hindi. Gising ako. At ang kaibigang ilang taon ko nang hindi nakikita ay nandito ngayon, nakangiting nakatingin sa akin.

"Celestine," he called again, his voice was unsure. Kita ko ang pananabik sa mga mata niya, pero mayroon pang ibang emosyon ang nakahalo doon. Guilt? Fear, maybe?

Jasper's smile widened, his eyes turned watery. And I don't know. My heart was starting to melt at that. At that point, it dawned on me how much I missed him. And he shared the same sentiment. Because next thing I knew a tear or two flowed down from his eyes as he said, "I missed you. I missed you so much."

At sa mga oras na iyon ay parang nag-iba ang ihip ng hangin, parang ibinalik ako sa panahon na nasa high school pa lang kami, iyong panahon na magkasama pa kami ni Jasper.

Naramdaman ko rin ang mga luhang nagbabadyang tumulo. Jasper saw it, he raised his hand, absentmindedly reaching for my face when he stopped midway, hesitating.

But then I finally smiled at him. Hindi ko lang mapigilan. Dahil kahit pa gaano ang sakit na naramdaman ko nung iwan niya ako, mas matimbang 'yung sayang nararamdaman ko ngayon na makita siyang maayos sa harapan ko.

And that smile seemed to be the signal that Jasper was waiting. Dahil ang sunod ko nang nalaman, nakahakbang na siya papalapit sa akin, ang mga bisig ay binuksan. And I was meeting him halfway, accepting his arms.

And when I already comforted by his embrace, I cried. I poured my heart out. Then suddenly, I was hitting him, his back with punches I knew that were too weak. Kaya naman natawa lang si Jasper.

Patuloy ko lang siyang pinagsusuntok saka mas lalong napaiyak. "Galit ako sa'yo, alam mo ba 'yun?" anas ko. "Iniwan mo ko! Tapos wala ka man lang paramdam. Hindi ko alam kung anong lagay mo. Kung buhay ka pa ba, o ano... Nakakainis ka! Alam mo naman na ayoko sa mga nang-iiwan, diba?"

Walang sagot akong nakuha mula kay Jasper. He just rubbed his hands on my back, trying to calm me down. At nang humina na ang pag-iyak ko'y nadama ko ang hininga niya malapit sa tenga ko saka niya mahinang sinabi, "I know. And I know also that sorry is not enough for what I've done, Celestine. But I'm here now. And I'm not going away."

Napapikit ako, inulit sa isipan ang mga sinabi niya. That sounded good. But I was afraid. What if, that was another empty promise? Hindi ko na 'ata makakaya.

I moved away from Jasper. "Don't say that," pigil ko sa kanya. "I don't want to hold onto unfilled promises anymore."

Jasper frowned. At alam kong guilty siya sa nasabi ko. That was why I was no longer surprised when he made an apology again. "I'm really sorry, Celestine. Hindi ko alam kung paano babawi sa'yo pero handa akong gawin kahit ano. Pro-" Napatigil siya nang mamalayang sasabihin na naman ang salitang "promise".

"Sorry," sabi niya ulit. "I just can't help it. I mean, I'm truly that serious to make it up to you."

I heaved out a sigh then. Jasper didn't need to do that anymore. Siguro, kung bumalik siya na nakakulong pa rin ako sa sakit ng nakaraan, talagang pahihirapan ko siya. Baka nga hindi niya pa ako nakausap dahil pinagsarahan ko na siya ng pinto. But I did change. There were things that changed. At hindi na ako 'yung CN na balot pa rin ng sakit ng kahapon. Tapos na ako doon.

"You're forgiven," I genuinely told Jasper that made him stop in surprise. Nagpatuloy naman ako. "I actually decided to forgive you even before. Yung kanina, it's just my outburst of emotion. But, okay na 'yun, Jas." I paused, repeating his nickname in my head. Ah, how I missed to say that. And I knew, Jasper did too. Dahil kahit sa nasorpresang mukha ay nagawa niya pa ring ngumiti.