adventurous // wolfstar au ✔️

f i f t e e n

a/n: i keep writing super duper long chapters when i should be studying!!!! anyway, hi guys, i hope u don't hate me for this chapter, it's a bit longer than they usually are so i hope that's ok!! i hope u're having a nice day ok i love u!! i've had too many cups of coffee today i'm literally bouncing up and down right now!! ok love u bye!!

remus isn't sure what he's expecting two days later when he hears the doorbell ring, but it definitely isn't this.

"sorry," is the only thing he can say to the fuming, furious lily standing on his doorstep. it scares him, a little, that she doesn't say anything, and he fumbles to grab her keyring off the hook by the door. "um, here are your keys..." he flinches when she snatches the key out of his hand.

"what the fuck is wrong with you?" she demands when she can find words. "what the fuck, remus?"

"i..." remus doesn't know, he doesn't know what the fuck is wrong with him, and he also doesn't know how to tell lily that. so he just starts to cry, front door wide open, lily staring at him so disgustedly. staring at him like he's too fucked up to love, even though he knows he is. he also wants to ask where sirius is, if he's okay, if he hates him. he bites his tongue with the force of trying to keep the question down.

"you broke his heart," lily adds.

"i know," remus whispers, voice thick with tears. "i broke mine, too."

lily's gaze finally goes soft. "remus..."

"i have to go, lily...i have to finish cleaning before my dad gets home." the excuse is true, but it's also true that he doesn't want to see her. he feels like an asshole as he pushes the door shut in her face. he slides to the ground, sobbing, his chest constricting with every breath.

then he picks himself up off the floor, wipes his face, and gets up to clean the kitchen. he can see from the window over the stove that his neighbor and kinda-friend peter pettigrew is outside, reading a book in the sun. he must feel remus watching, or something, because he looks over and waves.

"hi, remus," he calls a couple minutes later, knocking on the glass sliding door that leads to remus' backyard.

remus pulls the door open. "hi, peter."

"you okay? you seem kinda sad."

"i don't really have time to get into it right now," remus responds, scrubbing the countertops.

"okay," peter responds, but he hesitates before leaving. "well, i'll help you clean, and you tell me all about it."

- - -

"so you left?" regulus demands. sirius doesn't know what else to do other than go back to boston with james.

"yeah? i guess? i don't know, reg. he clearly didn't want to be with me, so i didn't...i didn't really see a point in chasing after him. i thought about it, but..." he takes a drag of his cigarette with a shaky hand. "i don't know."

regulus wrinkles his nose. "i hate it when you smoke, sirius."

"bite me." he takes another drag of his cigarette.

"sirius, you have to go find him. come on." regulus gets up, tugs on his arm. they're both still staying at james' house, though they're looking for an apartment to share.

"right now? regulus, it's nearly 2am and it's, like, a 22 hour drive."

"why do you know how long of a drive it is?" regulus asks, smirking.

sirius rolls his eyes. "because we dropped lily off there and then came home."

"you were there and you didn't go find him!?" regulus shouts, and then smacks sirius upside the head.

"ow, you --" sirius cuts himself off. "jerk," he finishes lamely, hating that he almost called his brother a wet sandwich.

"sirius," regulus says, much gentler now, sitting beside his older brother. "i know it's scary. but i can tell just from the way you talk about him...remus is special."

sirius stares at his shaking hands. "yeah," he mumbles. "yeah, he is. but he doesn't want me. he left without a word."

"so let's go ask him why."

"regulus, no."

"why not? why are you so scared of putting yourself out there? you said he just disappeared, right? maybe it wasn't about you at all. maybe it was something bigger. let's just fucking go, sirius. we can't hide in the potters' living room forever."

sirius is scared out of his fucking mind. and, it turns out, that fear is exactly what he needs. "go wake james. if we don't go now, i'll talk myself out of it."

- - -

for the second time in forty-eight hours, remus is entirely speechless.

he has a huge bruise blooming on his cheekbone from where his dad had thrown a can of beer at him (he missed a spot when he was mopping), so he has the thought that this could be an illusion. he could have a concussion or something, right? i mean, there's no other way that sirius fucking black could be standing at his doorstep, right?

so. remus is entirely speechless, and sirius is standing there, jittery, nervous. neither of them know what to say.

"you smell like smoke," blurts remus. god, he's so nervous.

"how could you do that?" sirius demands. "how could you leave me? how could you -- how could you worm your way into my heart like that and then just go?"

remus' eyes well up with tears. "i..." he puts his hands to his face, presses against the bruise. this can't be real.

"hey, sweetheart, stop that," sirius says. his voice hasn't been angry this whole time, and it makes remus feel worse. remus lets out a sob at the pet name. "let me see."

"no," remus sniffles, stubborn. he knows if sirius touches him, he's done for. he has to let him go.

"i'm not going to hurt you..."

remus moves his hands, but he keeps his eyes shut. he can't deal with this. god, it's all too much, and it becomes even more overwhelming when sirius gently touches around the bruise. remus lets out a little whimper when he touches a particularly sensitive spot, and sirius jerks his hand back, murmuring out an apology.

"you should be okay. just ice it," sirius says.

"i'm sorry," remus whispers. he supposes he has to start somewhere, assuming that this isn't all a hallucination.

"huh?"

"i'm so sorry," remus gasps, and then the explanation is pouring out of him, pouring out like water, and he can't stop it. he couldn't stop rambling if he tried. "sirius, i know you must hate me. and -- and you should! you should hate me, because i'm awful. i'm so awful...i...i let my dad beat the shit out of me because i'm too scared to stop him. i do everything because i'm scared and i left because i was scared...because boston is so far...it's so far. and what i feel for you is so much, it takes up so much space, i..." remus is crying again. "fuck!" he puts his hands to his face again. pushing on the bruise grounds him.

"stop it," sirius says, voice so gentle. it makes remus cry harder. "babycakes, you gotta stop this. please look at me."

remus tries to. he uncovers his face, opens his eyes. god, sirius is so beautiful, it actually makes remus' eyes well up all over again. "i'm trying," he tells him.

sirius is so fucking in love. "oh, baby, i know you are. can i please hold you?"

remus hesitates. "why...why would you want to?"

"please," sirius repeats, and remus nods. and god, it feels so nice to be held by him, by someone who knows how to. remus nuzzles his face into sirius' neck, and now sirius is the one who wants to cry.

and there, in sirius' arms, remus whispers it, the truth. he isn't even sure sirius can hear him, but he says it anyway. he says, "boston is too far. i got scared that we would be stretched thin across so many miles, and i love you too much to want to say goodbye. so i ran."

holy fucking shit sirius loves him. "i love you too much to let you run," sirius whispers back. "i'd travel the goddamn world to find you."

and then poor, sweet little remus is crying his eyes out, safe in sirius' arms.