A Love Worth Having

WHEN LOVE LEAVES

I got out of the tub and put on a bra and panties and I laid in the bed. I don't know if it was because I was really angry or relaxed from the bath but I fell asleep and I didn't hear Dell come in. We were supposed to leave no later than 6am in order to arrive on time to pick up my boys.
At some point during the night Dell came home. It was raining hard and he loved that type of weather. I woke up as he began finger fucking me. When I started to moan he kissed me. He laid on top of me and he made love to me and as always it was great. Afterwards, he told me that he loved me and I began crying excessively and I said "Dell don't say anything, just listen. You are one of the best things thats ever happened to me, and I love you so much but I have to think about my sons and their feelings. We can no longer be together, we have to break up". He got up and turned on the light. "Are you fucking kidding me? So the miserable bitch did get under your skin, huh? I guess older doesn't always mean wiser because you are acting really stupid right now". I immediately said, "it hurts me to have to do this Dell because I really do love you".

"Don't I get a say in this bullshit? I am a part of this relationship right?" he was furious.

"I have to think about my kids Dell, I am so sorry. You are free to be with someone your own age." I was trying to be rational.

He looked at me with contempt.

"FUCK YOU CAROL".

He managed to get half-dressed then he stormed out of the room. I heard the front door slam a few moments later.

I snapped back to reality and quickly ran to the front door. I opened it and yelled, "COME BACK BABY. WE CAN MAKE IT WORK" and he ran back into the house and we made love on the living room floor. That's what I would've liked to happen. Instead, I went to lock my front door. It was raining hard so I peered out of the window and his truck was still in the driveway. He started his truck and pulled out of the driveway. I watched until his truck was no longer visible. I leaned my back against the front door and I slid down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I cried and I cried and I cried. After crying for at least an hour I peeled myself from the floor and went into my bedroom. I looked at the clock and realized it was almost time for me to start getting ready to leave. I showered and I cried the whole time. When I exited the shower I looked in the mirror and my eyes were puffy. The longer I looked in the mirror the more I hated myself. To make matters even worse I was so nauseous.

It was still raining at six o'clock in the morning so I wore Dell's hoodie when I left my house to pick up Zay and Valente. I had to keep wiping the tears from my eyes because I could barely see the road while I was driving. I didn't turn on the radio or anything I needed complete silence. I hated myself for what I had done to Dell and I hated Cynthia for what she had said to us. Once I was within 15 minutes of the camp, I practiced smiling so that I could appear to be mildly happy when I saw, my children. I arrived right on time and within a couple of minutes, I saw my sons handsome faces. It was drizzling and when they got close enough I got out of the truck and I hugged them then I started weeping. They put their bags in the hatch and when they got into the car I looked at them and smiled then I started crying some more. Zay asked, "Mom, what's wrong?". I said, "I am so happy that you guys are with me". Halfway home they informed me they were hungry so I stopped at a chain restaurant and allowed them to eat. I told them they could eat inside and they didn't have to rush. I stayed in the truck and cried. I cried so much that I had to open the door to vomit because my stomach was in knots. The kids stayed in the restaurant for 30 mins then they came out. When we were back on the road Valente said "mom that is a nice hoodie you have on, Dell wears one just like it in one of his videos". I started crying at the mention of Cordell's name and Zay said "Mom, you are acting weird".

When we arrived home I quickly walked to my bedroom and closed the door. If my door was closed, the boys knew they were not able to go in. I didn't want to have to explain the men's clothes in my room. They never used my bathroom so I knew they would not see the men's body wash or the extra toothbrush on my sink. We stayed in the living room looking at pictures of them from camp. Just then somebody knocked on the door and for a second I had hoped it was Dell. Valente opened the door, it was Kass and her two oldest kids. Valente said "what's up aunt Kass?" and he and Zay gave her a hug. Kass said "so how is the happy family?" and I was shaking my head "no" and she looked very perplexed. Kass said, "Zay and Valente take your cousins to the backyard".

Kass and I went into my room and she asked me if I had been crying. I said, "yep, and about to start back any second".

"Let me guess, Cynthia?" she was clinching her fists.

"It started with that bitch and it ended with me. I broke up with Dell" my voice was trembling as the words escaped my mouth.

"Girl, I know that's your sister but say the word and I'll beat that ass" Kass was always ready to fight.

"What if I was keeping him from something or someone better than me?" I inquired.

She advised me that although Dell was young he was capable of deciding if he wanted to be with me. She also let me know if he didn't want to be with me he wouldn't have stuck around. I said "he was pissed at me" and I started crying again. Kass told me that she knew that Dell would come back because she could tell how much he loved and cared for me. She gave me a hug and she let me literally cry on her shoulder. She and her kids stuck around for a couple of hours and when they left my kids asked if they could go to their friends' house and I allowed them too. I told them to be home no later than 11 o'clock that night.

I decided to clean the 1st floor while the kids were gone to distract myself so I started with my room. I took off my earrings to place them in my jewelry box and I reminisced about the time Dell and I had sex and it started with me standing at my jewelry box. I started crying. After I cleaned it was barely one o'clock but I laid down because I was exhausted. I felt incredibly nauseous so I ran to my bathroom and threw up. I brushed my teeth and crawled into the bed. I felt like I had the flu because I was so nauseous and tired. I laid in bed all of that day and I pretty much existed for an entire week, kind of how Dell did when Demetrius died. I was hardly eating because everything I ate upset my stomach. I would laugh and joke with my kids one minute then I would cry and be very sad the next minute. To make matters worse there was a section in my closet occupied by Dell clothes and his scent lingered in my room and throughout my house, there was no escaping my feelings for him. I wanted to call him but I feared being rejected, I wanted to show up at his house but I thought that Naomi and Albert hated me too. I missed him so much and it was tying a knot in my stomach.

*please vote and/or comment*