A Love Worth Having

FORGIVE BUT DON'T FORGET

April 1st, 2012 marked a year since we lost our son. Cordell was extra loving with the baby that day. Cordelia was only a month old but Cordell told her about her big brother in heaven, it was incredibly sweet. Dell had angel wings added to the tattoo that he has in memory of our son and he has Cordelia footprints on his left arm.

On April 6th I had my six weeks' check-up. I was healing very well. Breastfeeding had caused me to lose the couple of pounds that I gained during my unknown pregnancy. My doctor gave me the green light to have sex, but I wasn't sure if I was ready. I mean I was still really attracted to my husband and I had forgiven him for cheating on me, but I definitely couldn't get the image of him having sex with someone else out of my head, no matter how brief he claimed the sexual encounter was. Cordell had arranged for his parents to keep the baby and the boys even stayed the night with them.

Dell and I went to dinner the evening of my checkup and we went to the movies too. We had a nice date. When we went home he ran us a bubble bath and we bathed together. When we got out of the tub he wrapped me in a towel and led me to our room where he had lit a bunch of candles. It was so quiet and he did everything to make sure that the mood was just right but I was still apprehensive. I guess he sensed my anxiety so he kissed me and my body melted. My body wanted every inch of him inside me but my brain wouldn't allow it. He said, "you are so sexy, who would believe that you gave birth 6 weeks ago?". I smiled and said, "thank you handsome". I put on panties and a nightgown and I threw my hair in a ponytail. He looked so defeated but he walked to me and hugged me. I said, "I have to make a phone call; I'll be right back". I went into the basement because I didn't want him to hear me. I called Kassidy, I felt like I needed to talk to her. It was kind of late but I called anyway. She answered and I said, "Kass, I still think he's the most handsome man on earth but I can't fuck him, what's wrong with me?" She said "Carol, you have a good man. He's young, attractive, has his own money. I'm sure that the hoe that he fucked wasn't the first one that made a pass at him. He messed up big time, but he apologized to you and the boys, he even apologized to me. Be thankful for him because he wants your forgiveness. Don't lose your good man to another woman, believe me, some other woman, young or old would be more than happy to have him. Don't isolate him and don't push him away. He needs to feel like you still want him or you run the risk of losing him for good, and I know you really don't want that. Now go and fuck your man unless you want him to be somebody else's man." I said "I love you whore" she responded, "I love you too tramp".

I took my ponytail down, fluffed my hair and walked up the stairs. When I entered our room my tall, handsome, super sexy husband was laying on the bed in his underwear. He looked at me and asked" what's wrong? I crawled onto the bed and I laid on top of him and I said "Make love to me now."
"Are you sure?" he asked.
"I'm sure that I love you and I want you to know just how much". He laid on top of me. He passionately kissed me and it reminded me just how over the top in love with him I was. That night we did every possible sexual position. He took his time, he was gentle and patient and he made sure that I knew that he wanted me. We started on the bed and made it to the floor and ended against the wall. I was exhausted and dehydrated and I loved every moment of it.

I fell in love with my husband all over again that night. Not because the sex was amazing but because he made me feel like I was the only woman in the world. I believed that he truly loved me and I realized I didn't want to be without him. I said "that was fun". He looked at me and smiled and I knew that we were going to be alright. We talked for a long time that night before we gave in to our exhaustion.

The next day when I woke up he was already awake, I guess he missed the baby. We showered together and he took me out for breakfast. We went to his parent's house in the afternoon to get Cordelia. The boys were there too but Zay had his own car to get them home. Cordell and I were smiling a lot because we shared an awesome night together. Ma noticed just how much we were smiling and she pulled me to the side and said "I'm glad to see you guys are so happy" .
"I forgive him" I replied.
She gave me the biggest hug and we stayed there for a while. When we went home Cordell ordered take out for all of us. My entire family sat at the kitchen table and ate dinner. We laughed and talked the entire time. All of us took turns holding and spoiling the baby. Every time that I looked at Dell he was already looking at me and he'd wink at me and I loved it. I didn't have any grudges that I was holding on to and it felt good to be free from anger. I dreamt about an awesome husband, provider, and father for my children. Cordell was all of that and more. It was unfortunate that he cheated on me, but he took full responsibility for his actions. Oddly enough it may have brought us closer as a family because he completely realized what he stood to lose if he cheated again. I looked at my beautiful daughter, my handsome sons and my super sexy husband and I silently thanked God because I had everything that I ever wanted.

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