The Devil Wears Skinny Jeans

Chapter 7: The New Recruits

Derrick was sitting in his throne watching Lucy do the splits on a nearby table. It fascinated him in more than one way. "You see the trick is to dip into it slowly... like with sex" she giggled. Just then two hooded demons walked in pulling a middle aged woman who was yelling.

Lucy jumped up. "OOOooo! Great, you get to meet a new recruit! I'll help you answer the many annoying questions so you can learn." The woman squirmed and squealed angrily. "This one looks feisty!" She said with a wide smile.

"WHo are you people!!! WHere am I!? I demand some answers!" She yelled with arms crossed. "Hiya!" Lucy said. "I'm Lucy, sister of Satan, co-owner of Hell Incorporated. This is our intern Derrick, he's in training so please be patient." She winked at Derrick.

"Is this a joke!! I can't be in hell! It's not possible!"

"How did you die?" Derrick asked curiously, wondering if she had memories of it, since he didn't.

She was still angry but she thought for a moment. "I think... I think I got in a car accident."

Lucy nodded as if this was normal. "So what do you wager is naughty about this one?" She asked Derrick. "Why are we graced with your presence?" She asked the woman.

The woman's defensiveness came back. "WELL... surely there has been some mistake. I am a born-again christian with Jesus Christ in my heart. I ~belong~ in heaven." She nodded to herself.

Lucy giggled to herself while Derrick wondered what all the rules actually were.

"Well dear, I ~love~ to be the bearer of bad news, so, unfortunately that's not enough to get into heaven. Sorry if that's what they told you, but you also have to be a good person."

"I ~am~ a good person. And you're wrong, the bible says anyone who has Jesus in their heart goes to heaven."

Lucy smiled genuinely. "I know it says that, some of the authors are here." She continued the smile but with a twinge of bitch.

The woman gasped.

"Can I guess what's wrong with you?" Lucy mocked. "Not an alcoholic right? You look too annoyingly proud of yourself. OOOOo I know! Derrick look dear, I believe we have a racist in front of us."

The woman was becoming more and more agitated. "I am not racist."

"No, of course not. But you do happen to believe that Mexicans need to go back to Mexico and stop abusing the system, and you love to share statistics about how black on black crime is much more common than white on black crime, right?"

She gave a twisted face. "Well those things are true. That doesn't make me a racist. If anything the whites are the oppressed ones now."

Derrick cringed and Lucy nodded in approval of her own judgement.

"I bet she's homophobic too" she whispered to Derrick.

The woman thought for a moment. "What about my CHILDREN!" She began to ball to herself. Lucy was unaffected. "Are they alive, love?"

She nodded. "No worries then, with a mom like you they might end up here when they grow up. But if not we have a couple options here in hell. We actually offer a rehabilitation program for people. If you can truly stick to the program and prove to an angel that we invite here that you understand your mistakes, they can get you a spot upstairs. Unfortunately, some people truly do never change. In that case, your relatives in heaven can come visit you here anytime."

She was still crying. "But I don't deserve to be here!!" Lucy shrugged. 'Literally, you do, or you wouldn't be here. I don't make the rules. Okay I'm tired of you. The demons will show you your room, you can ask them or your fellow hellmates for help. Bye"

And the demon guards took her away.

"Thoughts?" She asked Derrick with a smile

"Do you guys really have a rehabilitation program?" He thought this was pleasant, he wished people on earth knew the truth.

"Oh yeah of course. Spending eternity here gives people plenty of time to think about themselves. You know, meditate, reflect inward, all that hippy mumbo. It works for some. But me, I'll always be bad" She bit her lip with excitement. "It's just too fun"