Girls Astray. [Complete]

That Girl: Lolita's entry

Published.

Hi Mummy.

A mother is a girl's first and last best friend. They say. Mother's love you unconditionally. You can literally scream at them, cry on them, vomit on them, force them to do whatever you want and they'll still be there. Like they're chained to you. A love chain. The chains cuts into their flesh slowly making it bleed. The cut gets deeper and deeper- slowly but surely and they don't realise how much they're being hurt- being fed off, until their hands and feet fall off completely. Their beautiful child juggling with their limbs, smiling and laughing for a while, until the boredom sets in or self-righteousness, maybe?

They should put that on Mother's day cards.

You're not so much chained to me through love though, are you? It's obligation. Duty. Responsibility. You work, you grind, your eyes are deep hollows of blackness, your skin a murky sick yellow, turned to faded paper- so thin it's almost transparent. Every vein that pumps the blood that keeps you alive for us visible, fragile, exposed. Every day, every night you're working to keep me alive. To keep my blood pumping, my limbs moving, my eyes seeing.

And yet, you never see me. You keep me here for, what?

Am I a reminder that you were beautiful?Am I a reminder that you were in love? Or that you wanted to travel and paint? You wanted to go to Art school? You were a shining promise of what could be and what will come.

Until you had us. The leeches that drained your life. Why did you keep us? I often wondered that. You never seemed to want us. I hardly ever saw your smile, even when Dad was around. We never got hugs or kisses, we got shuttled from person to person, place to place. What was the point in keeping us?

I get it now. God, I understand now.

We'll both be in that deep, red, fiery pit of despair later. After we meet out match, our judgement. We'll meet and burn and compare our equally selfish choices. The ghosts of our sacrifices will haunt us. The mothers we should have been. Unnatural women. Unnatural mothers.