Preciously Broken

CHAPTER 18

Chapter 17
Nag iisa ako

Medyo down ako this week. Kasi my grandma in father's side called last week. Nothing new. Just like what she always say na, okay lang 'yong nangyari, they still love me and my mom, they're not communicating with dad, and dad is not with the girl.  Just I don't know what to feel. 6 years almost na nila pinamumukha ang mga salitang iyon.

Ever since I was a kid lagi nalang nila pinagmamalaki mga lalaki kong pinsan although proud sila sakin pero 'di kasing tuwa pag kasama nila iyon. I just feel that they don't accept me. Pag ako magaling, magaling din sila.
Sensitive, oo, but its true. Like kailan nyo ba ako maappreciate?

I've done everything. Sabihin na nilang naiinggit ako, pero it is the truth na "hello may apo pa silang iba di lang 'yong dalawang lalaki" kahit iniiwanan sila, di manlang alalayan or whatsoever. I just don't get it.

Random thoughts gone through in my mind. Nasa coffeeshop ako, vacant ko for 3 hours. I'll just upload a blog nalang. About sa nararamdaman ko, well may makakarelate rin naman siguro sa ipopost ko.

I'am alone

The world is big,
People may be a lot,
But you're still the only one.

May mga bagay sa mundo na mapapaisip ka at mararamdaman mo na nag iisa ka. Nag iisa kang iniiwan. Di tinatanggap. O kaya naman binabalewala ka. Sa kinarami rami ng tao sa mundo magiging mag isa ka pa rin pala.

Alam nyo ganto kasi 'yan. I've tried everything. I changed myself, physical, mental and emotional. Reached every goal and thought na matatanggap na ako at maappreciate na ako. But I was wrong.

To think how many diplomas, medals, certificates, awards, accomplishments, money, that I need to be appreciated? To be welcome? 'Yong ako naman ang ipagmamalaki? 'Yong magiging proud sila sa akin. Like how many times do I need to prove that I have a worth?

You thought na bakit ako nagiging ganto? Eh kayo bakit kayo naging ganyan? It feels like I've never done anything right.

I cant say that my friends understands me all the time, boyfriend left me, parents are parted, my family who isn't proud of me. I always think that I have everything, but everytime that I look back at this freaking situation, I'am alone.

Nag iisa akong lumalaban para sa pamilya ko, pangarap ko, sarili ko, para sa lahat ng nilalabanan ko.

Aanhin ko ang lahat ng ito, kung di pa rin iyon sapat para sa inyo?

I sacrificed everything just to make you happy and contented with me, but why does it seems that I was never enough?

This girl was always left alone. Broken, miserable, crying, gumuguho ang mundo. She may achieve all of her dreams and desires, but she is still alone at the end of the day. The happiness that she wants can never be found.

I do have friends to lean on, but sometimes I feel that I'm out of the league. My boyfriend who cheated to me almost two or one and half year ago. Family problems. Me , myself and I, dying everyday alone with the feeling na MAG ISA LANG AKO. Walang makakaintindi sa akin, basically not everyone can understand everyone. It is only you to lean and depend on, not anyone else.