The Distance of Love

Chapter 14 : Intermission in between acts

My sweet 16 went and passed and then a few days later on May 20th was Matthew's prom.  I was invited but not able to attend and that broke my heart for many reasons. This is because I had already found my dress which was a pretty white dress with lace on the bottom and and strapless i wanted to suprise Matthew with something different something I normally wouldn't be caught dead wearing but I fell in love with it because I couldn't find the red dress he wanted and even though it was not floor lenghth and i would have stuck out from the rest but I didn't care. It was on nights like the night of the 20th of May I fell asleep early because I would have no one to talk or vent too.These nights were very hard for me I was often prone to breaking down and crying because I just didn't know what to do I felt like I should have been there for him but i wasn't I felt like I wasn't doing enough.

Since that night I hadn't been sleeping right I was encaved in worry about myself and about Matthew there were a few reasons why I was worried for for him the main reason was because he was graduating from high school soon and I was just starting I was wondering how we were going to make it work. I was also worried if he was going to leave me behind for someone ealse and that is not a good feeling .I also still don't feel that on an educational level we are balanced his life is so much more intresting then mine I wonder what he thinks when I am not around I wish I could get in his head and just find out what I need to find out without having to stress over it.

I sometimes find it hard to tell him even the smallest of things because i feel like if I told him everything I feel at once and I would be a burden and I really don't like being a burden.I am worried about me passing I have been stressed and my anxiety is on the rise. I wish i could see him everyday because when i am with him all the worry goes away.I don't know anymore maybe I am just scared for the future or waiting on a miricle to happen. Just yesterday I broke down because Matg and I haven't been talking like we used to I can deal wit it ,it is just not the most ideal way I start loseing my confidence when our conversations get shorter I am trying my best to deal with it but with stress of school work it hasn't been easy for me I broke down crying yesterday just because we couldn't talk because of his senior trip to the great escape on top of school stress and getting little sleep prior to Friday. I called Aleah and she talked me through it I just hope when i tell him this he doesn't look at me as a coward or lower then I already feel.

My longing to see him makes me go crazy i know I will see him in July but to me that feels like forever. When I stay up late at night he is all I think about all i want by my side all I wish was laying there next to me so I didn't have to cry to feel something because I would finally feel complete and happy .Then I relise that is a long ways off and I am thinking ahead of myself and that causes another break down. These break downs are actually anxiety attaks and trust me they are hard to get through by yourself I just hope when he does see my first anxiety attack he doesn't freak out and he will know semi of what to do because it is simple. In the end I just hope he loves me for who I really am on the inside.