Between Living and Love || Complete ✔

//1//

It was the 5th year in grade school, when you and I first made eye contact. When we were strangers. When if a boy touched a girl was still counted as "cooties".

It wasn't love at first sight. For all I know, we were complete strangers, the other girls in the class fell for your looks. Some fell for the way you talk. Some just did. They just liked you for reasons that can't "explained". I swore to never fall for a guy like you, but something about you dims the light in me. It's silly, but in the end, I feel in the deepest hole of love.

Fine. It might not be love. For you don't feel the same. You have her. You have stumbled upon this creature that walks down the halls with pride. Her light brown hair shines in the sun, turning it golden. Her name rings when you call her and she never misses a chance to love.

When I first met you, Alex. We were strangers but there's more than meets the eye. I felt it when we first met. It was so insidious yet, charming. I feared to love, for I know what lies ahead. First loves never work out. Why? Because I've been there. It was very upsetting, knowing what you used to think was your one and only, is getting involved with someone without KPD. Those fucking years I spent in medical school. Useless. Entirely a waste of education.

Nothing I've ever gone through made me this insane over someone. It's never been like this, I thought I would be able to avoid love if I were to encounter one.

I still remembered when you first said hi to me. It was like magic; it felt like the sun rose behind you and you everything stopped. It was very stupid of me to call it love at such a young age. I'd consider it a small crush. Something everyone has to go through at least once. Even if it meant they would never be able to confess. Even if they aren't real. Even if they don't exist. I remember when I had a crush on a Disney character. Can't remember his name, nor do I want to remember it at all.

It was last year, when I was first diagnosed. KPD. It removes your abilities to do the smallest things and the simplest things very quickly. Dr. Grace told me that I lost over 40%of my abilities. I think it's complete bullshit. I can still talk, explain that. I can't complain though, even if I were to die tomorrow, people wouldn't notice. Nobody would. They'll probably find out when they realize that I am no longer coming to school, not answering to text messages, not picking up phone calls and not breathing.

KPD. The worst thing I've had to go through. As weird as it is, I don't seem to care that much. I think, my mind has learnt to accept the fact that I might eventually die one day. Maybe tomorrow, tonight, next week. Who knows. I'm not as magical as Peter Pan, nor am I as lucky as Pinocchio. I can't fly and never age. I don't have a magical fairy to make my wishes come true. But if there is one thing I know, I may never be able to live happily with the one I love, I'll never be able to answer with a prompt positive response, because I won't be able to talk.

Besides my shitty disease, there's Alex. He might never see me the way I see him. I know that for a fact, mainly because he's taken. I'm being honest right now, not because I'm jealous, but it's what I see every day. They don't look like a happy couple. They never seem to look at each other in the eyes, they don't give each other romantic gazes. I don't think they're going to last. I don't know, maybe it's what they do. It might be what keeps them together all this time. Who knows.

Anyways, bear in mind that whatever I say right now, is what goes in my head. Yes, I do talk to myself. It isn't weird, I promise. My mom is taking me to my next doctor's appointment tomorrow with Doctor Grace Wellington. She sounds so British, not going to lie. She's actually the most American person I've ever met in my life. Pretty annoying as well if you ask me.

No medication that I've taken has helped me so far. Na...thing... The one I'm currently taken is meant to slow the process of "the removal of actions in the memory" or what Doctor Grace says "RAM". I really don't think she's been in a single ICT class. Not that I know, I just doubt.