Between Living and Love || Complete ✔

//8//

I was a perfect Sunday afternoon. When a fire broke, when a life was taken by a tragic accident.

Her funeral was held this morning, we didn't want her to be in this world any longer than she had to; she has to receive the rewards she deserved. We're all still dressed in black, Carrie, slowly taking her makeup off, Jenny and Lisa eating ice cream at the kitchen counter, Falynn upstairs, still sobbing over this horrible, horrible loss.

I'm here in the living room, thinking back on ways I could've saved her. Ways I should've done to prevent this from happening. Maya is still at the cemetery, she's using the car which means we aren't able to leave the house until Maya gets back. God knows what she's doing there.

Buzz. Buzz.

An incoming call from Alex. I don't feel like talking to a playboy right now, so I swiped to the right and declined the call.

Buzz. Buzz.

Another call from Alex. *Swipes to the right*

Buzz. Buzz.

I gave in and accepted the call.

Alex: Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday. I was h-

Emma: Where were you this morning? You were supposed to have your speech at Ella's funer-

Alex: Don't...bring it up.

I had every right to though, she was my best friend and not to mention, his own crush. He was too much of a wimp, that he couldn't attend the funeral. The only time we can say things we couldn't to her, apologize and forgive. He had one chance and he lost it.

Emma: Why? You didn't show up for her funeral.

Alex: I just...didn't... feel like I deserved to.

Emma: Of course, you don't deserve to. But she was still a friend isn't she. According to you, she's more than that.

Alex: I...i...

He stutters, I can hear him sniffing. It's like he'd been crying.

Emma: Wh-why are you crying? You're not the one who started the fire, you shouldn't...cry.

He continues to sob, I felt bad for him because I'd scolded him. You can't blame either of us this time since he really didn't know what to do and for me, I'm just straight up honest when I'm stressed, angry etc. I can hear him taking a breath like he was calming himself. It seemed effortless as he didn't need that much time to get himself together.

Alex: I wasn't crying, just disappointed. In myself. For not being able to get my shit together just so I could talk during Ella's funeral. I couldn't see her for the last time, before that casket closed. I couldn't see her in a peaceful, white dress, she must've looked like she was sleeping.

Emma: Alex... I...

Should I tell him? I'm going to tell him, but is it really the best time to? Is there really a good time to tell someone you're dying? No. Then should I tell him my feelings towards him, is it the right choice? No. Well I can't just leave him hanging there, I have to come up with something.

I really want to tell him though, even if it wouldn't benefit either of us. Even if I find out the heart-breaking truth, even if I know I'll never get to him.

Emma: I...

Alex: You what?

Emma: I...

Get your shit together Emma!

Emma: I just wanted to tell you that...

Alex: That you what?

Emma: *sigh* That you can visit the place the funeral was held in tomorrow. It's me, Maya, Falynn, Jenny and Paul.

Alex: Paul? Is he new?

Emma: No. Paul Wan. Would you like to come? We're all saying our own little goodbyes before we graduate.

A long silence overpowered the awkwardness between us. He took a deep breath followed by a few "umm's".

Alex: Sure. I'd like that. What time?

Emma: Tomorrow straight after biology class, meet us in front of the staff parking area.

Alex: No problem.

Emma: I guess I'll see y-

Alex: You can't use that goodbye phrase with me soon. I'm leaving.

Emma: Did you accepted at Archaeologists Foundation? Your dream job?

Alex: I guess you could say that? It won't matter anyway.

What does he mean by that? Is he really giving his dreams away? After all this time- 4 years?

Emma: Ok then, I'll see while you're still around then.

Alex: Thanks. For letting me come with you guys. And for everything else.

Emma: No problem. Friends are always here for each other. Besides, I know you'll do the same for me. I have to get going now. Bye!

Alex: Yeah. Friends...bye...

We hung up. Why did he sound so...sorrowful? Did he go through something tragic other than this? I understand if it was a family problem but at this point, I really don't know.

I feel like I'm forgetting something here. Something...important. I hope it won't affect me badly because I can't seem to get it to click to my head. I don't know what it is, but I feel like I had to do something. Maybe my abilities to store memories are taken away, that makes me 45% KPD infected. How nice. I just hope I can remember the way to the cemetery, I don't want us to get lost.

As I slowly climb up the stairs, Falynn's sobs are still very active. I go inside the room anyway, then made a sharp turn towards the bathroom. Slamming it shut as I enter. It can't be, I just couldn't believe that Ella was actually gone. I hoped it was a prank, but no human without a heartbeat can continue to live. She went four hours without showing any signs of life.

Tears shed my eyes, black eyeliner running down my face with concealer and blush following. My stomach turned, my head spun, my eyes burnt like hades had visited. I face towards the sink and turn the faucet to the right, exposing cold water to my heated face. My stomach still turned and my head still spun. Immediately kneeling to the toilet bowl, with my hands holding my hair up.

It's coming. It's coming.

I thought of Alex at that moment. Very unusual time to think of someone who doesn't love you back. That's when it hit me. Hanahaki Disease. Am I really going through the first stage of falling for someone who doesn't love you back? Am I going to vomit lilies, followed my blood red rose petals just to warn me when I'm going to die? Is my life really going to be like this for the rest of my fucking life?

I get ready to see beautiful, pale white lilies to appear before my eyes. I get ready to feel the painful, tickling sensation it gives as you cough them up your throat.

It's coming. It's coming.

It came. I close my eyes, not wanting to accept my truth. I take a peek to see nothing but clear water. It didn't come? So, I don't have Hanahaki Disease after all. It still doesn't explain why I thought of him. I don't get it.

I just don't.