Silent Love [Watty Awards 2013 Finalist]

New Writings.

Hey guys,

I have begun writing again. I'm starting with posting my letters or random thoughts on things about life. Please check it out.

Letter 2

I'm a very secretive person. I don't like people to get to close, because they tend to hurt you the most. it's seems the more you open up to someone is the more vulnerable you get. 

the fact that you let them see your flaws, and give them a chance to help you correct or work on them is such a scary thing. the fact that you want to change them or work on them is even scarier. 

and yet, I've been doing just that. 

for the past year, I've taken the time to do me, to work on me and be the best version of me. I've finally fingered out my career goals, what I want to do and where I want to be. I've finally taken the steps to make my dreams come true. 

but sometimes I have to sit down, pause and reflect. 

I know I've come a long way. I used to be a bitch. a big one at that. and lose my temper at the drop of hat. and then, probably destroy the friendship or relationship that I had because of that temper. I

I used to be a rebel. and not listen to my parents, do what I wanted and be my own person. but my parents had valuable lessons to teach me and for that, I'll forever be grateful. I'll never be able to thank them for the way they got me out of trouble every time for me to jump back into it. 

I used to be a perfectionist. well maybe, I still am. I must be right. I have to be awesome and great. and for a while, I was unhappy, seeking something that wasn't there. I was prioritising the wrong things and blaming everyone else for my position. and ultimately, I failed to recognise that it is my fault that I have deteriorated to such a maniacal level of arrogance and ignorance. and eventually one day, I came to a realisation. 

god put people in our lives for a reason. 

he gave me friends. someone who loves, someone who cares and someone who believes in you even when you have ceased to believe in yourself too. and those are the people of a lifetime who carry on doing for you without asking in return. 

and ultimately, you've become one of those people in my life. one of the most important ones. I've known you for so long, and been your friend for so long that to me, I don't know a difference. if I didn't speak or message you through some source of social media for more than a month, something is wrong. and to be honest, I have three friends like that. 

so, this past week, makes me go back to why we're even friends in the first place. like why do I deal with you, why do we talk, etc. and I don't have a reason I can actually write with words. 

but what I do know, is you're like my best friend. I basically include you in everything I do in my life whether it's for your opinion, just to update you or to brag. and this friendship is one I can't walk away from. 

but it seems since this past Christmas, I may have to do that one day. and that day seems to be coming sooner rather than later. 

we've been arguing about too many things. expecting things, I don't believe should be expected as yet but things we both want. I can't stand the arguing. especially when I feel like I'm fighting for something that may never happen. 

and so, I've realised, I don't like seeing you with anyone else, especially if it's for fun and not a serious thing. I wouldn't have liked it even if it was three years from now. 

and I feel like it's been dragged on for years, and that we'll never get our chance. so, what's the point of continuing something you don't think is going to happen. eventually hope for something you want dies because it seems as if it's never going to happen. why am I hoping for a dead end? 

there's this voice in my head asking me why am I still here waiting for a plane that's forever delayed. eventually I must rebook for a next flight. and I feel as I need to walk to that counter and book it. and sometimes I do. but then again, I end up in the same damn terminal letting flights pass me by because of a what if, a maybe. and obviously, I want that chance. but how long do I have to fucking wait? 

and I think I've come to the conclusion that I'm done waiting. whatever happens, happens. and eventually, things will get better. and wherever life takes me, I'm going to go with it.